HIGHLIGHTS:

8:15pm
At one point I catch Mr. Jackman looking into the crowd, saying he sees "so many people who go both ways." That's just your reflection in the Teleprompter, sweetcheeks.

8:40pm
By golly, Christina Applegate just fell into the orchestra pit—just like her career after Married With Children! Those Tony producers are so crafty this year, what oh what will they think of next. Ms. Applegate is really cute onstage, but while presenting it seems like she's expending nearly all her mortal will in an effort to keep her eyes from crossing. They have special contacts for that you know.

8:42pm
After a man-on-man kiss with his partner (gasp, on network television!), choreographer Jerry Mitchell gives his acceptance speech for, well, Best Choreography. In the course of about thirty seconds, he singlehandedly and preemptively out-gays everyone for the entire evening, which is a really tall order on Tony night. You just won a BEST CHOREOGRAPHY award for LA CAGE AUX FOLLES and then KISSED YOUR MAN-FRIEND—did you really need to throw in a PINK POCKET SQUARE ON TOP OF IT ALL? WE GET IT. GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY.

8:44pm
Odd couple #1, Jeff Goldblum and Emmy Rossum, come out to present. Ms. Rossum seems to have turned into a mini Penélope Cruz—perkiness, giant head, tiny shoulders, teensy pencil neck, the whole works. Someone call inmigración! While Mr. Goldblum talks, Ms. Rossum fills all her "quiet time" with insipid, googly-eyed smiles and aimless clapping. Get this girl some posterboard and it'll be just like she's curbside at a high school cheerleaders' car wash.

8:48pm
To rescue us from boring speech after boring speech, we get a number from the veritable musical thrill-a-thon A Light in the Piazza. Per Mr. Jackman's request, the set includes a bare-assed statue of the male form.

8:54pm
Continuing the thrill-a-minute motif, Doris Roberts comes on to talk about how nice it is to see television and film actors connect with a live audience. As she MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT DOING.

8:58pm
Now presenting are odd couple #2, Allison Janney and Dennis Haysbert. My god does he look bored while the white bitch is talking.

9:00pm
Chita Rivera, now older than Stonehenge, makes a flub while presenting a tribute to her deceased friend, renowned lyricist Fred Ebb. CBS bleeps her out—as it turns out, for uttering that most odious of curse words, "Jesus." JESUS, and I thought John Ashcroft was bad.

9:09pm
Kathleen Turner comes out with her hooks in some fresh young meat, Liev Schreiber. She is in full throaty form. Seriously, you haven't seen masculinity until you've seen Kathleen Turner these days. Hugh Jackman could take a pointer or two. Ms. Turner peppers her podium time with a few deep, husky "MMMM"s and ends with a punchy "NNNGH."