So, those 59th annual Tony Awards. Nothing like a chance to see Hugh Jackman and other leggy drag queens in a variety of "liberal" situations. I confess that I quasi-missed the first few minutes of the show because I was too busy doing an inventory of all my illegally obtained pharmaceuticals—next time I'll have Lindsay Lohan help me.
I don't think I missed a whole lot at the beginning: there was a montage of moments from various musical disasters, a brief appearance by Julia Stiles and her silky contrabass, and some outlandish displays of Jackman masculinity, such as sequined pants. Anyway, after about forty minutes, I finished arranging my Paxil in neat little rows and was free to watch.
HIGHLIGHTS:
8:15pm
At one point I catch Mr. Jackman looking into the crowd, saying he sees "so many people who go both ways." That's just your reflection in the Teleprompter, sweetcheeks.
8:40pm
By golly, Christina Applegate just fell into the orchestra pit—just like her career after Married With Children! Those Tony producers are so crafty this year, what oh what will they think of next. Ms. Applegate is really cute onstage, but while presenting it seems like she's expending nearly all her mortal will in an effort to keep her eyes from crossing. They have special contacts for that you know.
8:42pm
After a man-on-man kiss with his partner (gasp, on network television!), choreographer Jerry Mitchell gives his acceptance speech for, well, Best Choreography. In the course of about thirty seconds, he singlehandedly and preemptively out-gays everyone for the entire evening, which is a really tall order on Tony night. You just won a BEST CHOREOGRAPHY award for LA CAGE AUX FOLLES and then KISSED YOUR MAN-FRIEND—did you really need to throw in a PINK POCKET SQUARE ON TOP OF IT ALL? WE GET IT. GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY.
8:44pm
Odd couple #1, Jeff Goldblum and Emmy Rossum, come out to present. Ms. Rossum seems to have turned into a mini Penélope Cruz—perkiness, giant head, tiny shoulders, teensy pencil neck, the whole works. Someone call inmigración! While Mr. Goldblum talks, Ms. Rossum fills all her "quiet time" with insipid, googly-eyed smiles and aimless clapping. Get this girl some posterboard and it'll be just like she's curbside at a high school cheerleaders' car wash.
8:48pm
To rescue us from boring speech after boring speech, we get a number from the veritable musical thrill-a-thon A Light in the Piazza. Per Mr. Jackman's request, the set includes a bare-assed statue of the male form.
8:54pm
Continuing the thrill-a-minute motif, Doris Roberts comes on to talk about how nice it is to see television and film actors connect with a live audience. As she MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT DOING.
8:58pm
Now presenting are odd couple #2, Allison Janney and Dennis Haysbert. My god does he look bored while the white bitch is talking.
9:00pm
Chita Rivera, now older than Stonehenge, makes a flub while presenting a tribute to her deceased friend, renowned lyricist Fred Ebb. CBS bleeps her out—as it turns out, for uttering that most odious of curse words, "Jesus." JESUS, and I thought John Ashcroft was bad.
9:09pm
Kathleen Turner comes out with her hooks in some fresh young meat, Liev Schreiber. She is in full throaty form. Seriously, you haven't seen masculinity until you've seen Kathleen Turner these days. Hugh Jackman could take a pointer or two. Ms. Turner peppers her podium time with a few deep, husky "MMMM"s and ends with a punchy "NNNGH."
9:13pm
To make Ms. Turner's voice seem dainty by contrast, they immediately bring out the only person who could possibly accomplish such a task, James Earl Jones. O Tony producers, thy tricks, so transparent. Mr. Jones starts off promisingly, with a nice "MWAHAHA" and a booming "THE NOMINEES ARE," but is cut short when Ms. Turner rushes the stage, rips off his head, and bellows, "YOU SHALL KNOW MY FEMININITY, MORTALS!!"
9:14pm
Once Ms. Turner is tranquilized and caged, Mr. Jones's companion, Leslie Uggams, picks up where he left off. It's a cliché to compare dresses to curtains or sofas, but really, I've never seen anything like this. There must be more than 50,000 yards of fabric and frills in Ms. Uggams's outfit, all in an appalling purple. Ms. Uggams LOVES pronouncing A Light in the PIAZZA in "authentic Italian." Yes, let's all say it together, ARRIVEDERCI! BOBOLI!!
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Comments (23)
Great recap...Sara Ramirez was way over the top...or at least her friends "left" and "right" almost were...yuck...
1 of 23 | Posted by alohaguy | Posted on June 8, 2005 4:54 PM
I am snorting with glee...thanks for making my night. Watching would have ruined it. HEE-LARIOUS!!!
2 of 23 | Posted by Gidget | Posted on June 8, 2005 5:54 PM
Jesse L. Martin sang Razzle Dazzle as a tribute to his Law & Order partner Jerry Orbach who originated the role in musical Chicago.
The Academy Awards should take some tips from the Tonys: only performance awards given out. Cut the sound, editing, makeup, costume, etc. that the Oscars go through and stick them with the other technical awards and cut the lengthy broadcasts.
3 of 23 | Posted by Stevie | Posted on June 8, 2005 7:14 PM
"Razzle Dazzle" also has lyrics by the late Fred Ebb so it was a two-fer.
4 of 23 | Posted by Leslie | Posted on June 8, 2005 10:10 PM
what they used to do is present the lighting, sound, etc. awards on PBS from 8-9, and then the rest of the more 'fun' telecast from 9-11. and somehow they managed to freaking drag these out for that other hour WITHOUT REALLY adding those awards back in.
(don't get me wrong, i'm a theater major and all that, but this year's show, apart from the 'spelling bee' performance, was rather lame.)
hugh jackman really could've been awesome as a celebrity, if he had just kept his damn mouth shut, kept those gold lame (i don't know how to do the little e thing, shut up) pants off, and remained wolverine for eternity.
but no. no, no, no.
5 of 23 | Posted by Stefanie | Posted on June 9, 2005 5:50 AM
Ah yes, good points both. Did they actually announce Jerry Orbach's name though? I may have missed it during the applause for Jesse L. Martin. In any case, I'm used to the solemn instrumental dirges they play during the Oscars dead-person montage, so all the razzle-dazzle stuff seemed a little jarring to me.
6 of 23 | Posted by m_ruv | Posted on June 9, 2005 6:08 AM
wow, we get it, you can make gay jokes about the Tony's...kind of like shooting fish in a barrel. Didn't know that in order to be funny you needed to trash gays.
7 of 23 | Posted by Steve | Posted on June 9, 2005 6:14 AM
Oh LADY, any gay jokes (aside from the Jerry Mitchell jab) are directed at dear old Hugh. And last I checked I was a tad light in the loafers myself, so don't get your panties in such a bunch. GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY.
8 of 23 | Posted by m_ruv | Posted on June 9, 2005 6:44 AM
m_ruv, where ya been all my life? HILARIOUS recap of an event I didn't even know was blasting forth from my TV! "punchy NNNGGH!" "flanks!" "boboli!"
More outta you, please!
9 of 23 | Posted by Jess | Posted on June 9, 2005 7:00 AM
HI-larious. laughing my ass off at the berna peters butt jokes comment. also giant breasts. awards show recaps r the best!
10 of 23 | Posted by kt | Posted on June 9, 2005 7:54 AM
The reason why Jesse L. Martin sang "Razzle Dazzle" is because his friend, the recently deceased Jerry Orbach, sang the song when he debuted in the original production of "Chicago." And you know - Fred Ebb wrote for "Chicago" - so it was only fitting.
Cheers to Sara Ramirez's GIANT BREASTS!!!
11 of 23 | Posted by Andrew | Posted on June 9, 2005 12:00 PM
Weren't there two lesbian kisses? I swear there was. I can't remember who it was besides Cherry Jones. A costume designer perhaps? Anyway, wasn't this on CBS, the same station that banished the Victoria's Secret runway show from its airwaves forever?
And let's give a cheer for women who wear over a size 0 getting some awards and looking great in gowns they may actually have paid for.
12 of 23 | Posted by jayneatomic | Posted on June 9, 2005 8:09 PM
ok...first of all, you didnt even mention Adam Guettel winning for Best Score of a Musical. Anyone who trashes THE LIGHT IN THE PIAZZA doesnt know shit about theatre as far as I'm concerned...or they dont have good taste. Either way, this is a funny and interesting recap...although I def. wouldnt want to watch the Tony's with you...you'd probably sit there and bitch the whole time...or masturbate to Hugh Jackman...who you obviously bash repeatedely b/c you want his nuts so bad. I do agree with you about how wierd it was to have Al Sharpton be the celeb guest for SPELLING BEE's performance. That couldnt have been less funny. Well G'nite.
13 of 23 | Posted by dwreck | Posted on June 9, 2005 11:12 PM
You may be the funniest person EVER.
EVER!
14 of 23 | Posted by divarobbie | Posted on June 9, 2005 11:30 PM
You rock! Thanks for your wit. Have you considered running for President?
15 of 23 | Posted by Janny | Posted on June 10, 2005 7:59 AM
or...better yet....the President's WIFE?
16 of 23 | Posted by Janny | Posted on June 10, 2005 8:00 AM
So hilarious!
Brilliant review!
Made suffering through the worse Tony Awards show in recent memory almost worth it!
Will Hugh Jackman sue?
17 of 23 | Posted by Tom | Posted on June 10, 2005 9:01 AM
Oh my darlin'. This reminds me of the glorious Tony recap you did last year, which really got the 'gasm's momentum going. you havent lost your touch dawg!
18 of 23 | Posted by Leah3t | Posted on June 10, 2005 10:56 AM
All this mention of gaiety and none of Matthew Broderick?
"Dance with me, Matthew...."
19 of 23 | Posted by Mjkmn | Posted on June 10, 2005 4:02 PM
Okay this was hysterical... i still can't stop laughing at Aretha Franklin's moroccan gold shower curtain comment (maximized for her cleavage!)
20 of 23 | Posted by Jared | Posted on June 10, 2005 5:22 PM
Hey m_ruv?
You love Laura Linney?
You have taste beyond words.
21 of 23 | Posted by cutebutstupid | Posted on June 11, 2005 1:58 PM
I love West Side Story, but Hugh and Aretha were excrucisting.
And a major yea to Liev Schreiber winning. I love him!
22 of 23 | Posted by Victoria | Posted on June 12, 2005 9:09 PM
I liked this recap so much, I went into the archives and read last year's Tony recap. Great job! but do we have to wait until next year's Tony's for more from you? I hope not.
I love Liev Schrieber!
23 of 23 | Posted by Victoria | Posted on June 12, 2005 10:04 PM