8:05pm
The details of the red carpet coverage are best left unspoken. I must point out, though, the true high point of the atrocities, which was the song that bridged the gap between the celebrity arrivals and the start of the actual awards. If you think you've heard bad lyrics before, think again. This was probably the worst two minutes of television I've seen since that time Nancy Reagan showed up on Diff'rent Strokes.

8:06pm
Appropriately, the opening drumroll coincides with a sudden closeup of Queen Latifah's formidable bustline. She herself turns out to be the first presenter. The audience is a little unresponsive, with the sure-fire Martin Luther King Jr. mention only tepidly received. You're supposed to CLAP, you Nazis.

8:08pm
Natalie Portman and Adrien Brody come out to present. Ms. Portman looks like a little pixie straight from Audrey Hepburn Camp. They announce Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture, which goes to George Clooney for Syriana. He gives a nice little gracious speech before ruining it with a lame Jack-(Abram)off joke. Stick to political DRAMAS buster, not comedies.

8:11pm
The same pair presents Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture to Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener. Normally luminous—though by no means Laura Linney luminous—Ms. Weisz channels the Bride of Frankenstein with her upswept hairdo, beyond-the-grave eye makeup, and random flap of mummy fabric sprouting from her cleavage.

8:18pm
Jessica Alba comes out with Luke Wilson, who looks like he needs to make the switch to husky-size jeans. Thanks to an audience shot we learn that Barbara Hershey has decisively usurped the Botox World Championship from Kylie Minogue, its previous holder.

"Sure, my boobs may be sagging. But my face? TIGHT AS A DRUM, BITCHES!!"

Best Supporting Actor in a Series/Miniseries/TV Movie goes to Empire Falls' Paul Newman, who wisely chose to skip this event altogether.

8:20pm
Teri Hatcher and Brandon Routh step onstage, only to be overshadowed by a quick cut to Camryn Manheim's nearly 14 hectares of glitter-covered buxomness. Best Supporting Actress in a Series/Miniseries/TV Movie goes to Sandra Oh for Grey's Anatomy. Excellent! Only she can't find her way to the stage. It's probably because the liquor's been flowing for all of twenty minutes and she's already sporting the notorious Asian flush. Excited and effusive, she forgets nearly everyone's name except for one special mention—"My rock, Margo." Ah, if only I had a rock named Margo. Then I could go places.

8:27pm
Not a half hour in and we already have worst dress of the evening—Drew Barrymore. The best way to approximate this look would be to give Peter Pan double-D breasts, no bra, and a strong, cold headwind. Drew, my dear, you can see those pointer sisters from two miles away.

"I do so love flying, Wendy, even if it gets a bit nippy"