If you remember last week on Baby Borrowers, we left Sasha in the middle of a bitch-ass breakdown over her complete and utter ineptitude at dealing with a toddler. She went so far as to call the baby a "baby." Heartless wench. With bags packed, she's ready to leave the island until Jordan calms her down and does what any real man would do: take her to the neighbors for cocktails.

"I don't have to be here doing this, you know?" She interviews. Well, you don't have to be in those spray-on jeans, but here we are. But no worries, I'm sure your kid will be all sunshine-out-his-ass.

So, here come the pre-teens and their pets! Snakes! Iguanas! Dogs! More dogs! And rats! And truly, they really give the dogs very little screen time which my furry babies did not appreciate. You know, if they actually stayed awake to watch the show.

It's chaos theory in pre-teen form. The horror!

We're at Kelly and Asshat's house, and they are still asleep. A mother walks up to the house with her three hellion boys and says, "Ring the doorbell," to which the boys just flat-out walk in the house. How about locking the doors? Also? Asshat is a traditional southern boy, so chances are you are going to get the business end of a Confederate gun once he's done loading it with gunpowder (and don't email me if that isn't historically correct, Dad). The boys just walk in, throw their stuff down, and start running all over the house. Now, I realize they know this is set up and that they are going to a "fun foster home" for a few days, but damn, woman, teach your brats some manners. Or don't complain when they jump into some guy's van and become an Amber alert, got it?

The mother yells up, "Sorry to barge in on you." Sorry you don't have any manners. Wouldn't it have been awesome if Kelly and Asshat got out of bed and were both totally naked, and the kids saw it and were scarred for life? Heh.

Kelly comes downstairs and sees the iguana, plus the rat (the snake's dinner - they have to "knock it out" before feeding the snake, which I did not need to know), the crabs (not on Asshat, on the table), then the iguana is suddenly in the bathtub, and Asshat is all, "I'd rather have the pets than the kids, put the kids in cages." Asshat, I think I'm falling in love with you. And I hate you for that!

Still easier than raising kids!

Kelly and Asshat's kids are 10, 7, and 6 years old, and I don't really care what their names are because I already can't stand them. "Welcome to our world," the dad says, laughing. Oh, piss up a rope. You're the one that built your world, so don't be dragging Kelly and Asshat with you. Or at least Kelly.

"So we have three boys," the mom says. Really? Because when they showed up they were all girls, dumbass. "And they have a lot of energy," she continues. Replace "a lot of" with "no" and "energy" with "manners" and we're good to go. Brats. "This is the manual for the boys, you're welcome to take a look at it." Something tells me it's as comprehensive and as interesting as my car manual. Snore! Just tell Kelly and Asshat the tire pressure and when the oil needs to be changed, and the rest we'll let the mechanic figure out.

The mother interviews, "We wanted to do this experiment so they would know how hard parenting really is." If we already figured that out, can we leave for cocktail hour? Because I'm dying for a Black Martini (1 part Chambord to 4 parts vodka, so icy it forms a martini slushy on the top...once you go black...yadda yadda).

Kelly: What's your name, little critter?
Critter: LUNCH

« Living Lohan: How Bout an Eggroll, Mr. Goldstone? | Main | Big Brother: Renny Is Not A Mastermind »

Posted in Baby Borrowers by DearCrabby at 12:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)
Last Comment: mandymax on Jul 24, 2008 05:40 AM.