All the teens are placed in really nice model-like homes in Boise, Idaho, because the one thing teens have coming out of high school is awesome FICO scores. If they wanted to make this more real, they would have shoved them into a studio apartment with a broken AC unit in the window and a drippy kitchen faucet so they know what it's really going to be like. But maybe the parents providing the babies for this experience were like, "Oh hell no is my baby going into Section 8 housing." Speaking of parents, they are all living in the same neighborhood for easy access to their kids and to any ass-kicking that needs to occur with the teens, and yes, it does occur. J'adore this show!
We skip the honeymoon phase and now move into T-minus one day until the bundles of poo arrive. The teens awake (so it's probably noon) to a pregnancy belly gift, and the girls all have to wear it. I'm not sure how Kelsey is going to wear it, because she's got some huge gozongas and I'm not sure how she will buckle it on. Sean is ecstatic because, "this is what it will be like for her for nine months if she gets pregnant." Or at least for the last month since 24 hour old zygotes don't usually add 50 pounds to your body the first day. "I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she will be miserable all day." I'm torn people - I hope she's miserable too, but what a douche for saying that out loud.
Switch over to Daton and Morgan, the latter of which must think the pregnancy suit is some cool, new floatation device for her surfboard. Morgan is enjoying it too much. Over with Kelly and Austin, Kelly puts hers on while Austin (here it comes) LAUGHS at her, and the few men who watch this show are all like, "You'll be paying for that later." And the rest of your life, if you marry her. Kelly is not pleased about wearing the pregnancy suit, but I bet next time she'll read the fine print of the reality show contract. Austin goes back to bed and Kelly is pissed he laughed at her. Really pissed. And this volcano erupts like it's on a Brady episode, and yes, everyone is about to get doused with viscous sulfur just like Marsha's friends.
I'm a spoiled brat and YOU'D BETTER DO WHAT I
WANT I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL CALL MY DAD!
The teens are going to parenting classes this afternoon, because really it only takes that long to learn how to take care of a baby, and Kelly princesses, "I don't wanna go!" because she's fat - I mean, pregnant. She sits on the toilet, crosses her arms, and waits for Austin to do something. Austin puts on deodorant. She gets even madder, but Kelly, don't underestimate powder fresh pits when someone is making fun of how low your boobs are going to get when you are done breastfeeding. Then she starts swearing and looking at him like, "Do something." Austin, get out now while you still can! That look isn't going to get any nicer 10 years down the road.
Kelly takes off the pregnancy suit and slams the door. Mature. Everyone is waiting downstairs for her while she spoiled-brats that she isn't going. Austin says he giggled at Kelly because of how she looked pregnant and, "She didn't like that." No shit, Dick Tracy. "I don't understand girls." Well, that one is probably never going to change. All the other girls come upstairs to try to get her to come to wear the suit and come to the hospital, but she gets pissed, refuses to go, and slams another door. Seriously, we are one day in and already she needs voted off the island. Austin leaves her and goes to baby class. Maybe they will help in him learn how to deal with her!
Behind door number three? Five-headed Hydra called Kelly.
So they head off to baby class where the NBC censors apparently fell asleep at the wheel because some nurse actually has a mannequin of a woman's lower half spread eagle, and pulls a baby out of the birth canal, and I immediately scream, "Sweet Christ did we have to see that?" If that didn't put the words "birth" and "control" together for these kids, nothing will. Ick. Austin walks into the room alone and all the other guys are thinking, "Why aren't you at Hooters?"
The Vagina Monologues: Baby Talk Edition
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Comments (10)
Thank you, oh Dearest Crabby, for recapping this horrible show. I want to run screaming out of the room just from reading this, so I know I couldn't bear to watch it. And what is it with a baby suddenly being a hot accessory item like a pair of Prada shoes?
Honestly, I thought the whole thing was ridiculous back on "Friends" when Rachel got pregnant. You saw her by herself a lot more than with the baby... yeah, 'cause that's what single mothers do. Sheesh.
Babies = loud, need diaper changes, have to be fed, puke often. Cats = quiet, poop in a box, eat for themselves, puke only hairballs.
Hmmmmm...... I'll take the cat option please! :)
(No insult meant to any parents out there - I'm sure your kids are great.)
1 of 10 | Posted by teri00 | Posted on June 30, 2008 9:43 PM
That recap was hilarious.
2 of 10 | Posted by cuzimbtyful | Posted on June 30, 2008 11:56 PM
Okay, so I must say I love this show seeing as how I have a 13-month-old, and I KNEW this was going to be drama.
I love it, because at the end, those kids are going to appreciate their parents and all the hard work they put in (hopefully) and have an understanding of what parenthood is really like..not three days at a time, but FOREVER.
However, I want to punch Alicea and Sean both in the face every time their faces come up onscreen. Alicea wasn't even really trying to feed him. Maybe Karson's different from my son, but my son is picky with eating, and I'm sure with his teething, he's not going to lunge for the spoon. It actually needs to be INSERTED into his mouth, not waved in front of his face. And I hate that Sean was trying to exacerbate the problem and make the baby scream more and cause more issues to turn his girlfriend off. Do you not realize you're screwing with a human life to prove a point? Not nice, and the baby will do it all on her own, thankyouverymuch.
However, I'd like to whack all the parents upside the head too. I don't care if I'm across the street. There is no way I would leave complete teenage STRANGERS to take care of my son. No emotional attachment, so they don't really care. Maybe it's because my son had a heart defect that needed to be repaired at five months, but I'm worried about leaving my son alone with my husband, much less teenagers we don't know.
I need a break, but not THAT bad.
3 of 10 | Posted by narcissistic | Posted on July 1, 2008 5:07 AM
DC, I was so excited to see that someone was recapping this show!!! No one at work is watching it and I had to talk about it with somebody. God, that Alicea is one selfish B. And whatsherface who wouldn't wear the pregnancy belly, it was going to be for what, 18 hours?? I think her paycheck should be docked for that.
4 of 10 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on July 1, 2008 6:11 AM
I thought the show (and your recap) was great. Of course, most of the (selfish) people that most SHOULD watch it (potential parents; those who have parents but don't respect them; blind/deaf people) probably WON'T.
My youngest is in college, but I well remember the day my wife left me alone all day with our first baby. I thought I could watch both the baby and all the football on TV. I was a Marine sergeant, what's so complicated, right? What a quick course in mom appreciation THAT was! I never again resented her "getting" to stay home with the baby while I "had" to go to work with my buddies.
I agree that there is NO WAY I'd leave my child with these genetic mistakes.
I wish I'd had a wise, patient mentor like Miley's dad back then.
5 of 10 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on July 1, 2008 8:26 AM
fire@will:
"most of the (selfish) people that most SHOULD watch it (...; blind/deaf people) probably WON'T" What, blind/deaf people are selfish and don't make responsible parents? Surely that came out wrong.
Crabby, great recap! I wanted to string up Alicea for checking out after a the mom held herself in check as well as she did. And Kelly...How desperate must that Austin be to put up with that sort of childish narcissim. She can't possibly be that good in bed [much too selfish] so what could possibly lead to such pussywhippedness.
And don't even get me started on Sean. What a prick. He sees how much the baby likes him then trashs her while rubbing his hands together crowing about how his evil plan of manipulation against Kelsey is working superbly. She deserves better than being saddled with him for the father of her child, that's for sure. She doesn't need a baby right now, but she never needs one with him. Maybe this show will teach her that at the very least.
6 of 10 | Posted by Splotchie | Posted on July 2, 2008 2:33 PM
Not that it matters, but Daton seems a little gay to me. Maybe that's why there relationship is in the crapper.
Alicea is a dumb, selfish c*nt plain and simple. Her mom had her early and now she wants to have a kid early? To quote Julie Roberts in PRETTY WOMAN: "Big mistake. Huge!" Someone give that girl a hysterectomy pronto. Okay? Okay.
7 of 10 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on July 3, 2008 8:25 AM
Well this was just hilarious. I haven't seen the show, but maybe I don't really want to...?
I'm pretty sure that teens aren't the only ones who can be persuaded that child rearing is awful. I'm afraid one episode of this and I will never want to have babies.
8 of 10 | Posted by hollywood sucker | Posted on July 3, 2008 9:51 AM
Crabby:
EXCELLENT recap. For a non-parent, you really seem to "get" it!
I've taped every epi so far for my three teenage sons, but then after watching them, I can't see the "reality" in this reality show. Teens with cul-de-sac homes, stainless appliances, granite countertops, jobs that start at 9 am, make-up, decent hair, AND a maid service? (The teen twits aren't cleaning that house, folks. No way.) Puh-leeze. No one with a crying baby, a job, and a spotless house has time to flat-iron her hair. No one.
9 of 10 | Posted by TheVoiceOfReason | Posted on July 11, 2008 7:23 AM
I keep forgetting to watch this show and after reading the recap, I programed the DVR.
Mama broke her foot when I was six. My sister was 3 and my brother wasn't even walking yet. Daddy took a few days off and he called the phone company before lunch the first day to put the phone on the wall. He couldn't keep my brother from playing with the phone beside the couch. :>)
He also told Mama that he would never again ask what she had been doing all day.
He kept that promise.
10 of 10 | Posted by Gertrude | Posted on July 16, 2008 10:13 AM