TVgasm Recaps

What would happen if you had a season of Starting Over without the life coaches? You'd probably get something like Bad Girls Club, a campy trainwreck of a show that's not really about anything in particular beyond fighting and crying. Seriously. And don't act like that's a bad thing. The premise of the show is that a bunch of "Bad Girls" are stuck in a house... and that's pretty much it. Yes, like putting a whole bunch of wind up toys in a blender, this experiment turns real messy real quickly. There's not much by way of substance to this series, but luckily there was enough destruction in the second episode to warrant a spot in the TVgasm lineup.

Last week, amidst all the chair-throwin' chaos of The Bad Girls Club, I wondered how soft-spoken, oft-lacerated Kerry could ever be considered "bad." After all, wasn't it she who was the victim of Ripsi's fists of fury? And wasn't it she who seemed more fragile than a thin wafer? And wasn't it she who spoke in those sweet, hospitable Southern tones? Well, Kerry may not be the physically violent type, but by the end of last night's episode, we saw that she certainly was no angel either. The word "cheating slut" might come to mind. Normally, I wouldn't be so harsh (okay, maybe I would), but hey, this is the Bad Girls Club. These bitches need to be tamed!

When last we saw our horny members of the Bad Girls Club, they were living it up with Steve The Pool Man and his plucky beanpole buddy Tomik. It seemed like all sorts of unfaithfulness was about to go down, what with Kerry grinding her nether regions up against Steve's sometimes bare chest. So what happened? Did Kerry cheat on her Brett Favre-ish boyfriend? Or did she walk the line like the good little country singer she aspires to be?

UGH. Who else is sick of these alleged "bad girls" not acting bad? Yes, it was another uneventful week on Bad Girls Club with nary a chair being tossed at all. Just about the only excitement was that a new girl came to the house, and that was about it. I'm starting to think this show should be renamed. Needy Girls Club? Passive Aggressive Girls Club? Unfaithful Girls Club? Whatever it's called, we've hit a dull patch, and if things don't get better, I'm gonna have to suggest something drastic for this show. Maybe letting lose a pack of rabid gerbils in the house (assuming I could go back in time an affect the production of the show. Which I can't). Speaking of rabid gerbils, let's get on with the show...

Here's some good news: Bad Girls Club wasn't totally lethal tonight. It was actually surprisingly fun, thanks to continuing clashes of Zara and Aimee. They're a perfect combo: Zara's a needy idiot with no self-esteem. Aimee's a prickly firecracker who refuses to take any bullshit from anyone. Normally, the Zaras and Aimees of the world stay away from each other -- Aimees can't deal with Zara whining, Zaras can't deal with Aimee barking -- but on this show, they've been held in close quarters, and finally, we've seen the first noteworthy eruption since the Age of Ripsi. And who was in the middle of it all? You guessed it: our favorite penis head. Tomik.

What a wonderful week it's been. I've watched 24, American Idol, The Hills, The Office, 30 Rock, and so on and so forth. Basically, I've watched "good" shows. That all had to come to an end as Bad Girls Club once again reared its ugly head tonight. Like the title says, this show is bad. Really bad. And yet, I'm finding myself drawn in against my better judgment. Maybe it's because Zara reminds me all too well of a drama-magnet friend of mine. Or maybe it's because I simply have very low standards these days. Either way, we're only seven episodes in, and the knowledge that there are at least another fifteen or sixteen left has reduced me to a whimpering bag of tears. Why, Oxygen? WHY???

I, like any person who's been watching The Bad Girls Club, expected the same old dreary story on tonight's episode. Zara says something dumb and everyone complains about it for the next twenty-two minutes. However, imagine my delight when the girls actually did bad things. Pranks went awry, fires blazed uncontrollably, and one scary-lookin' park ranger felt the wrath of four drunken, scantily clad idiot girls. Wow, looks like there's still some life in this show after all!

Something has happened to Bad Girls Club. The past few episodes have been -- dare I say -- enjoyable! Is it possible that I'm actually getting hooked on this show? Is it possible that I've finally given myself over to the weekly chaos that passes for drama on this show? I think the answer is yes, yes, and yes, especially after tonight's rowdy fight at the beach. The episode, brilliantly titled "Slap My Beach Up," finally returned the show to its rip-roaring Ripsi roots (unintentional alliteration) as fists flew and tears shed. You know, back on The Duel, MTV teased us for weeks with that notorious Tina-on-Beth punch, but that was nothing compared to the Ty and Aimee melee that went down on Oxygen. You go girls!

Remember last week when I was saying that I'd been caught up in the Bad Girls Club drama despite myself? Yeah. That ended today. Gone were the cat fights, and in their place was a boring episode that focused on the career ambitions of Leslie and Kerry. Thrilling. As you can imagine, the travails of a failed country star and an exotic dancer were less than captivating. In fact, as cynical and awful as this sounds, I have a hard time thinking that either of these girls can get a noteworthy career, especially after appearing on a lowly reality show on Oxygen. But hey, they might as well test the waters, pretend like they want bigger and better things until they inevitably enter the world of Professional Reality Stardom.

Last week, I told myself I wasn't going to write about Bad Girls Club until I had seen an ample amount of interpretive dance/shadow puppetry. Things were looking bleak -- that is, until Pilobolus made my dreams come true last night on the Oscars. Now, with fresh images of guns and penguins in my head, I now have the strength to return to my six, idiotic hyenas and revel in their latest escapades. This latest episode brought fun in the form of tattoos, Tomik, and Steve the pool boy. Okay, maybe it wasn't fun at all. But hey, at least I got to see shadow puppets.

As another potential new writer for TVgasm, FirstTheWorst takes a stab at this weeks Bad Girls Club. Let us know what you think. -MYL

By: FirstTheWorst

Okay so after the culmination of last week's rather tepid episode, what did we learn? Zara's kind of a lesbian but wants to marry Jarad who is into starting fights at the skating rink, Kerry gets uninvited to parties and cries a lot, Aimee still wears a lot of makeup and DeAnn and Jodie did absolutely nothing of consequence. Riveting. Absolutely riveting. Oh, we also learned that apparently my dog hates this show, as evidenced by her departure every time she hears the show's theme song, "Love Me or Hate Me."


This is an actual shot of the opening segment. Smoking...uh, rules...?

Coming back out for a second stab at BAD GIRLS CLUB is FirstTheWorst. As usual, we love constructive notes!! - MYL

By FirstTheWorst

So was I the only one let down by the anticlimactic introduction of the New Bad Girls? There were no fistfuls of hair yanked viciously, nary a tear was shed...what's wrong with this picture? I don't know about you, but that's how I like my Bad Girls--engaging in drunken assault and then crying about it. Let's try to do a little better this week, Oxygen. I mean, really. Let's have some standards, shall we?

However...tonight's episode? Drama! Stupidity! Self mutilation! Whew. Let's begin.

Unable to spend a quiet night at home, our Bad Girls have chosen to go to a club and are busy gettin' down with their bad selves. It's very heartwarming...all the dancing, fun, and boobs being flashed...but, as we all know, this can't last too long. Everything's instantly ruined (for me any way) because here comes the biggest threat to feminism since, well, ever...JoJo! Joanna, tastefully clad in a leopard print dress from the Staten Island Hookers Collection, has cornered some poor soul against a wall and enthusiastically proceeds to grind her business on him, ignoring the fact that he looks scared, embarrassed and a bit like a General in some sort of gay military. He's dressed curiously in what appears to be a green army jacket covered with large gaudy flowers on the pockets and his tiny eyes dart nervously around, seeking possible escape routes. However, he is thankfully spared when Joanna spies something she craves even more then General Flowers--alcohol! Joanna grabs the bottle and downs it immediately, omitting any usage of a glass or even a straw to spare others the contamination of her mouth. Germs? Communicable diseases? Forget that! She's JoJo GoGo! She does what she wants!

GoGo Gadget...liquor bottle!

Before I begin, I'll just say this: I do follow the boards and yes, there was quite a bit of chatter regarding good old Tomik in last week's episode. Oh, I saw him. Twirling his drumsticks. Winking at the camera. Lord help me. I didn't catch him making out with Aimee, but maybe that's because I stop paying attention whenever he's anywhere near a camera. But anyway, for all those who require your Tomik fix, here you go...courtesy from me to you... it's T-T-T-Tomik! Your captain Tomik! (Don't say I never did anything for you)

Now with 20% more douche!

Ok. Now we can truly begin. But where did we leave off last? Oh right, the dramatic slashing of the wrists! Yes, DeAnn reaches for Zara's tattered wrists while Zara shrieks, "STOOOP!" But, interestingly enough, she doesn't really look that upset...in fact she's kind of smirking. Every time she holds up her hands over her face to cry, I suspect it's because she's getting ready to break into laughter. You can practically see the big yellow sign flashing over her head: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Yes, Zara is finally the Queen of Attention--all hail Dutchess Moron! But of course, DeAnn can't pick up that Zara's theatrics are merely for show so she repeatedly asks Zara why she cut herself. "I neeed to go hooome..." Zara wails over and over again. Yep, makes perfect sense, Zara. I do that too. Whenever I'm at work and I feel like going home, I just make a little gash with my steak knife and pray for the best. DeAnn is horrified and exclaims, "Her wrists are all torn up!" Uh...they are? You know, I realize this is supposed to be upsetting and all but let's not be melodramatic...these nicks are barely a step-up from a paper cut. They're not even bleeding, for god's sake. So you can put away your slutty nurse costume from the last episode, Joanna. Zara just might pull through.