TVgasm Recaps

There's no other way to say this: I loved Beauty & The Geek. Yeah, I know that I called Hell's Kitchen my summer guilty pleasure just yesterday, but I had no idea that The WB -- let alone exec producer Ashton Kutcher -- would win me over with this feel-good "social experiment." Honestly, the only reason I checked this show out was because I happened to have read a smattering of positive reviews on the internet. Still, despite the buzz, as the show opened, I feared this would be just a sanctimonious version of Average Joe, and the sudden appearance of waxen MTV vet Brian McFayden didn't help matters either.

The show immediately perked up, however, when we found out that this would not in fact be a matchmaking series. Instead, the dorks and bimbos would be learning from each other to make their lives richer! Okay, okay, so that sounds cheesy, but never fear: there's enough reality show embarrassment to keep this "social experiment" from venturing into Ty Pennington schmaltz territory (one of the girls erroneously pegged Herbert Hoover as the reigning president during the Civil War. Upon learning it was in fact Lincoln, she clenched her teeth in embarrassment and groaned, "That's right. D-DAY!").

By the time this premiere episode had come to a close, I found myself oddly giddy. I don't know why really, but a season pass has already been set on the Tivo. Unfortunately, I don't have time to recap the episode tonight, but hopefully by the end of this weekend, there should be some more Beauty & The Geek lovin' from TVgasm. And if you skipped this show due to the WB's horrendous marketing, be sure to catch the replay tonight (Thursday) at 9 PM.

Love was in the air on tonight's episode of Beauty and the Geek as "life-sized Barbie model" Erika (provided Barbie had snacked on a few ring-dings) and "life-sized Tom Cruise model" Brad (provided Tom Cruise had snacked on a few reality checks) engaged in that oh-so-taboo activity: inter-species romance! Yes, the Beauty and the Geek crossed social boundaries by officially becoming lovebirds; thus serving as the most encouraging bit of news for Mensa members since Summer Roberts first locked lips with Seth Cohen on The OC. But lo! Could the social fabric of our high schools be upended by such revolutionary cheerleader-on-geek action? Or would the powers-that-be destine Erika and Brad to a fate much like Lisa and Eric's on season three of Big Brother? Read on to find out...

Who isn't enjoying Beauty and the Geek? Until Big Brother rolls around, this is going to be the most enjoyable show on television this summer. As the show wears along, we'll naturally find out more and more about each of the participants, like they are all actors or something. We also get to find the pieces of their lives that they choose to show the world. I haven't done much searching to find the out information about the Beauties, but the Geeks were a little easier. It turns out a friend of mine knows Shawn, and pointed me to Shawn's Blog.

Overall, Shawn's blog is fairly interesting, and there are some juicy nuggets of gossip in there, but it is lacking a lot of what the anonymous internet looks for when we seek to invade someone's privacy. For that, we give you the blog of Joe Hanson, the most recently eliminated geek.

From watching the show, you could tell that Joe Hanson was a geek, but you could also tell that he had oodles of personality just waiting to get out. Looking at his blog, he does not disappoint. Not only does he have a picture of himself in drag, but he links to some of his original movies that he made.

But what tops this blog above all others (so far, at least) is that we are introduced to Joe's alter ego, Bino White. Bino White is a rapper, and he has plenty of songs to download. His original music isn't bad, and you have to listen to his remix of The Game and 50 Cent in "How We Do."

Bino, we love you.

If you have any more links to websites or blogs of any of the Beauties or the Geeks, send us an e-mail.

From left to right: Girl, Girl, Olivia Wilde, young Cruella DeVille, Lauren.

Ever wonder where your aspiring television personalities got their start? Well, if you said "working as an extra on The Girl Next Door," you might be on the right track. The teen comedy was playing on my TV when I turned it on the other night, and literally within moments, I encountered this gaggle of ladies laughing in a two-second cutaway shot. My first reaction: "Hey, was that Alex from The OC?" A quick rewind-and-pause on the Tivo confirmed that it was in fact Olivia Wilde (a trip to the IMDb also verified this). But even more exciting was that upon studying this still frame, I discovered none other than current reality star Lauren from Beauty and the Geek. Yes, the bubbly "lingerie model" -- famous for her self-described IQ of 500 -- has joined the ranks of so many other reality stars who have served us well in the field of extra-ing. To be fair though, unlike those pesky Bachelorette fellas (ahem, Jerry, ahem Ryan, ahem FABRICE), Lauren's bio on the Beauty and the Geek website freely admits that she's an actress. Damn, is there anything this show can't do honorably?

Also appearing in The Girl Next Door (literally three or four shots later) was Average Joe: Hawaii alum David Daskal, who has long since been revealed to be an actor (okay, okay -- so maybe this isn't the most earth-shattering post). Screenshot of Mr. Daskal after the jump.

The ratings are in, and I'm happy to report that Beauty and the Geek has been steadily improving with viewers week after week. This is great for me because it fills my head with quiet delusions that maybe, just maybe, with my little corner of the internet, I've possibly helped this show gain the popularity it so deserves. That's right, WB -- we here at TVgasm have surely added twelve new viewers to your show. You can thank us later (seriously, I'm thinking a basket from Snookie's Cookies).

The fun times keep rollin' on Beauty and the Geek where this week, the guys faced that most daunting of challenges: getting women's phone numbers. Oh, but that's not all. They also had to ask their female roommates out on dates AND endure head-to-toe makeovers. Yes, it was all about the geeks this week (the beauties had some perfunctory arithmetic to deal with, but whatever), and furthermore, it was all about Richard. The once amusing Woody Allen wannabe has now officially become annoying, but not just to me or the rest of the audience. Chuck, who'd been growing increasingly impatient with Richard, graduated to full scale hostility. This ain't the Real World; so we weren't about to see any beat downs and broken skulls But as far as inter-geek social relations go, this rivalry was about as close as one can get to a nerd fist fight.

I love fortuitous encounters. Just twenty minutes ago, I was talking to my friend about having to write my Beauty and the Geek recap when who should come strolling by? I'll give you a hint: hips. Give up? Well, it was none other than Richard, hyperactive geek extraordinaire. Walking down Sunset Boulevard with wide pants and all, Richard seemed ready to tackle whatever activity had sent him to the streets. Of course, there was no way I was going to let him get by me without a little gossiping. I immediately called out his name and said that I love his show. I full on expected him to act crazy and do some of his patented Richard schtick, but alas, he was disappointingly subdued and, dare I say, normal. Nevertheless, I told him that I write for TVgasm, which in retrospect was a mistake as it immediately put him on guard. Unlike other reality stars who just love the attention, Richard seemed actually uncomfortable, despite his politeness. Then again, that may be the whole geeky, social awkwardness thing again (not me, him). When I told him that I met Lauren and that she was with The Miz, he looked at me like I had five heads. "I don't know these people," he said.

As for TVgasm, he had never heard of it. He asked if it was scathing, and I did not lie. What I really wanted to ask him was why he was such a nutjob on the show, but I figured I'd let him off the hook. He did say the experience was great and then informed me that a rather large bug was crawling up my shirt (I quickly disposed of it). Finally, in total blog-whorish fashion, I asked if I could snap a photo of him with my camera phone, but surprisingly, he shied away. What happened to Mr. Entertainer? Where's the guy who admitted just last night that he can't resist performing? I think the whole blogging thing made him paranoid. It seems as though I instilled fear in his being. Maybe he was afraid we'd do something to the photo to embarrass him -- as if there wasn't already enough footage on the WB to that instead. Hey man, you're the one who wore the dunce cap.

She may have only lasted about four weeks in the reality television universe, but Lauren from Beauty and the Geek is determined to make her impression. Not only did we spot her with The Miz a few weeks ago, but now she's popping up in other reality shows as an extra. TVgasm reader Burka gave us the heads up that Lauren will be on next week's Stripsearch, the show which VH1 coyly refers to as a "man pageant" (actually, it really isn't, and in fact, it's kind of entertaining watching these macho guys learn the fey art of stripping). Now, to be fair, I'm sure Lauren's "bachelorette party" was taped before her tenure on Beauty and the Geek, but that's not going to keep us from labeling her a "reality whore." I mean, she's not a "whore" but... well, you get it. Anyway, more screenshots of Lauren next week after her musclebound episode airs...

Sniff sniff. My summer pleasure is gone. After several hilarious and heartwarming weeks, Beauty and the Geek wrapped up its solid rookie season tonight, and while we all cared who would take home the $250,000, the real question was how ridiculous would Richard be in this final hour. Well, he was pretty crazy, but his behavior wasn't any different than in previous weeks, which might be why this finale -- while sweet and funny -- didn't quite have that spark we saw in the early episodes. Maybe I've sort of become immune to Richard's shenanigans, especially after last week's over-the-top campfire episode (which I apologize for not recapping). Either way, whether you loved him or hated him, Richard is bound to become a small reality TV legend. The Urkel of The Fishbowl.

One of the surprise hits of the summer was Beauty and the Geek, a show that took a bunch of guys with brains and no social skills and let us watch them as they gained the pity of a bunch of actresses from Los Angeles. During the process, these actresses learned that there is more to life than getting into the Tropicana and driving an SLK 350. Through it all, the producers found enough entertainment to have us laughing, crying, and, well I mostly laughed. I guess I am just a heartless bastard.

If you are one of those guys who thought "God, I suck more than that! Why can't I get a chance to meet a hot chick and rub her down?" then look no farther. Posted in craigslist, there is an open casting call this Wednesday for any "wiz with computers, science, physics, and mathematics." If "your social life always taken a back seat to your acedemic career" then show up at Jillian's at Universal Studios and be prepared to fend off all of those kids from Northridge for your chance to appear on the show.

You have your orders, now go get 'em tiger!

This being the beginning of the new year and all, networks are trying to push a lot of new programming ahead of the return of new episodes for more established shows, and new seasons for others. We've been trying to give you a heads up on some of these shows, and the latest is Beauty and the Geek. For those of you not familiar with the show, it pairs up some beautiful young women (who may be lacking in geeky knowledge) with nerdy young men (who don't have much more than geeky knowledge) and they compete in a set of tasks designed to make the smarter or cooler, depending on need. Although there is still some question as to how much the participants in this show are real people as opposed to actors looking to be on TV, the challenges were fun and where would we be if we never learned about Richard? The new season starts next Thursday (check local listings), but the WB will be running repeats all this week and next as well as the ubiquitous casting special next Wednesday. If you missed it last summer, it's definitely worth checking out now.

Unfortunately, while I managed to catch Thursday's season premiere, I missed the casting special which aired Wednesday night, because I forgot to move it ahead of Lost on my TiVo's Season Pass Manager. So, how 'bout Eko staring down EdHill's giant moving, thinking fart? What will the writers of Lost pull out of their collective asses next? I'm guessing they'll say Ana Lucia's in such a foul mood because all her eggs are rotting and no one will mount her.

It's really too bad I missed the casting special, because from the few clips they showed before tonight's episode, it looks like it was a real hoot. Take this guy, for instance. When asked how geeky he would rate himself on a scale of 1-10, he answered, "a solid E to the Pi." Personally, I think he looks more like a solid "Bo to the Bice", but that's just me.

One of the great things about living in Colorado Springs is that I'm close to some of the world's best skiing: Copper, Breckenridge, Keystone, Loveland; all are within a two-and-a-half hour drive from my house, depending on traffic. One of the not-so-great things about living here (besides Focus on the Family) is that as a second-tier city, we don't have a local WB affiliate. Instead, our cable company picks up Denver's WB station and rebroadcasts certain programs on one of our public access channels. Usually this works fine, but last Thursday we had a big snowstorm which totally messed up the new episode of Beauty and The Geek. The video kept dropping in and out, and the audio was mostly non-existent, so even when I did get a picture, I didn't get enough sound to do a proper recap.

Here's what I do know: The Geeks had to perform a karaoke version of Foreigner's Hot Blooded. The Beauties had to give a speech on politics. Tyson's Rubik's Cube solo helped win the karaoke contest; Cher's dead grandmother helped her win the speech part. Chris and Tristin went to the Elimination Chamber against Brandon and Amanda. Chris and Tristin won. Oh, and Cher evidently goes commando.

Here's what I don't know: the appeal of going commando. (For a guy, at least.)

And here, in no particular order, are some screen-grabs with silly captions.

Regardless, it got me to thinking about how my recaps for this show and The Bachelor are a real-life example of BATG's premise, with my Bachelor recaps being the Beauties and these recaps being the Geeks. Like the Beauties, people love the Bachelor recaps; and like the Geeks, everyone ignores these. Of course, that might have a lot to do with the show being on at the same time as Dancing with the Stars. If you don't watch this show, how can you know what the hell I'm writing about? Still, as you've no doubt noticed, I've never let my lack of familiarity with a show keep me from making fun of it, so why should you?

Did I mention I have a shot of a beer spokesmodel's ass?

This weekend marks Superbowl XL. I'll definitely be watching and although I don't know if there will be a liveblog, I will post my favorite ads on Monday. (I am really hoping the Bud Light daredevil has something great planned. ) There is an actual game going on, and although some people aren't giving the Seahawks a chance, I am hoping that the game is as closely contested as the last several have been (if we ignore that embarrassing showing by the Raiders a few years back). Halftime shows are a big deal ever, and after Janet, and the snooze-inducing Paul McCartney, the folks at the NFL have dug up the Rolling Stones for this year's festivities. Halftime is also when other channels try to take some ratings away from the network who won the Super Bowl Sweepstakes. One of those attempts is the Lingerie Bowl, a Pay-Per-View event were you can watch women in lingerie play football. It's almost as exciting as strip Texas Hold 'Em and 30% more educational as well.

Such an event normally wouldn't be a big deal except that Lauren (that's her on the right), former Beauty and the Geek participant and sometime paramour of The Miz, is scheduled to play this year. I am not sure how good the actual game is, but FoxNews.com has a video interview with Lauren and another participant. If they play football half as well as they speaka de English, it should be very entertaining indeed. To watch the video go to FoxNews.com (it won't kill you!), and click on "Video" tab at the top. When the FoxVideo player plays, "Half-dressed Halftime" should show up among the most watched on the right of the player, or click "FoxLife" on the bottom to bring it up. Sounds complicated, but well worth the laugh, especially the talk about injuries. You'll need Flash to watch the video. Thanks to MYL for the tip.

This week's episode kicks off with Chris and Tristin returning upstairs after winning yet another Elimination Ceremony. (Sure, it's only been two wins in a row, but I get the feeling these two are going to be nominated every week until someone takes them down.) Tristin is worried that nobody's going to be happy to see them. And while it's nice that Danielle gives her a big hug, it's not nearly big enough to overcome Cher's Eye Daggers of Death. If she could, I'm sure Cher would give Tristin and Chris both a big festering case of butt cancer.

Host Mike Richards calls everyone down to the library to discuss this week's challenges. The theme this week is Parties and Numbers. The Geeks will learn to throw a party, while the Beauties will be working with numbers. He tells the Geeks that the number of people in attendance is what makes a great party. Which, of course, is an outright lie. Because there's an AWESOME party going on in my pants right now, and I'm the only one here.

Regardless of how dull the last few weeks have been, however, overall the show was still a success. Be they Beauty or Geek, everyone who stayed in the house for this "social experiment" has said they learned something about themselves. And even though I fall in neither category--too male to be a Beauty, too socially adjusted to be a Geek--and only recapped this show, I too have learned a deeper truth about myself, and my relationship to my fellow man: I'm good at making fun of people. And, more important, I'm proud of the fact that I'm good at it. My mom was right: I am an asshole.

TVgasm body language expert Dr. McSpadden says: "Former geek Josh's body language reads softly 'AAAAAHHHHHHH, GIRRRRRL!'"

By Jordan

It's once again time for Ashton Kutcher's "social experiment" where a bunch of "geeks" get teamed up with a bunch of "beauties" in order to learn, grow, have fun, oh and of course win $250,000.  It's Beauty and the Geek 3!

By Jordan

Last week on Beauty and the Geek -  the Geeks performed standup comedy, the Beauties interviewed an author, and much like your average horror film, two of the four minority cast members were killed off as soon as possible. 

Has anyone ever mentioned that this show has the worst theme song in the history of television?  And I quote, "You've got the brain, I've got the looks, let's make lots of money.  You've got the brawn, I've got the brain, let's make lots of money.  MONEY!"  Did it take an entire team of writers to come up with this?  What other lyrics did this beat out?  You've had plastic surgery, I use Linux, let's make lots of money!  Sad.  I think the Facts of Life had a better theme song.  Even Charles in Charge sounded better than this.

Anyway, enough with the song lyrics and on to this week's show. 

By Jordan

Before I go into this week's recap of Beauty and the Geek, I would like to apologize to all of the Pet Shop Boys fans who read these recaps.  I had no idea that the theme song to Beauty and the Geek was an original song from the 80's.  Please forgive me for not being a Pet Shop Boys Fan.  I will do my best to never make an egregious error like this again.  Thank you.

By Jordan

Last week on Beauty and the Geek, our friendly Geeks got madeover to look, well, still geeky but slightly less so, and we learned that DENTYNE gum is the greatest gum ever.  That's DENTYNE.  Andrea and Matt got eliminated after some ridiculous questions, and Jennylee flipped out at Niels for sending her hookup interest Nate to the Elimination Room.  What'll happen this week?

By Jordan

Have you ever noticed that women will talk to any guy walking around in a park if he has a dog no matter what he looks like?  More serial killers and rapists need to invest in dogs. I think it must be in every woman's genetic code that if they see a dog they must speak with the owner.  Several years ago I realized that if there's one thing women love more than dogs, it's babies.  It's been scientifically proven that to women, babies are "cuter" than dogs.  So back then I thought up my Rent-a-Baby service in which I would rent out orphaned babies on an hourly basis to men who were trying to pick up women.  I realized that selling children was illegal, but renting should have been no problem.  I was wrong.  As the cuffs went on I thought, "maybe I should have just stuck with dogs."

Wednesday nights sure have become a difficult night for television. Between Beauty and the Geek, American Idol, Lost, The Knights of Prosperity, Top Design and the occasional college basketball game, I've got my DVRs working some serious overtime.

While going through the DVR last night, I also forgot that I had recorded an episode of the Dr. Keith Ablow show. "Now why would I do that?" I thought. I've never seen the show before and don't particularly trust anyone named Ablow. But then I remembered that the show was all about Beauty and the Geek and featured about half of the cast members. I wouldn't have even known about this if I weren't an occasional reader of Niels' personal blog, where he's been plugging his appearance for about a week.

In case you missed the Dr. Keith Ablow show (and I hope you did, that guy is a serious hack), not a whole lot of exciting things happened with our wonderful cast members. The biggest question was whether or not Jennylee and Nate are still involved, and we didn't even get a definitive answer to that. I'm guessing no. But at least eight months later, Nate has still managed to ward off his old caveman look, Cecille is still a complete idiot, and Niels still loves that hideous blue shirt he walked into the mansion in on day one. By the way, he's also a "dating coach" now, which is a big step for the guy who once felt ashamed to ask for a girl's phone number. And that will be the first and last time I ever watch the Dr. Keith Ablow show.

Oh it's been a long season over at the Beauty and the Geek house and it's all come down to two teams - Cecille and Nate vs. Scooter and Megan. Tonight, one of these teams will be taking home 250 large, and if there is a God, Cecille won't see a penny.

Honestly, has there ever been anyone on this show as hated as Cecille? Even Cher from season 2 wasn't hated this much by her fellow housemates and viewers. Personally, I kind of liked Cher, even though she was a bit of a fake and a little too full of herself. But I am vowing to never watch another second of this show if Cecille even gets a whiff of the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that is Beauty and the Geek. Much like her days from high school, she has clearly learned nothing. This wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for the fact that she's so proud to be stupid and unlikable. Hopefully it will all come back to her in the end...

"Huzzah!"

I've gotta say I'm pretty excited to be recapping this season of "Beauty And The Geek" even though I've never seen the show before, because if there's anything I can make fun of, it's 1) idiots, 2) sluts, and my personal favorite 3) idiotic sluts. And as a personal preference I seem to take a liking to nerdy (and formerly nerdy) guys, so it seems as though I'm made for this show. I apologize in advance if I make jokes that have already been made, but it's all new to me. I suspect that over the course of this season we'll be seeing some life-altering changes in both beauties and geeks, and hopefully by the end they'll all realize that each side has its charm and be less afraid of one another in the real world - sort of like when Jordan Catalano started actually talking to Angela in public on "My So-Called Life."

Tonight on Beauty and the Geek, as our stereotyped contenders moved into the house and got to know each other better, we learned why weed should be legal and how to fight stupid with stupid, in addition to seeing the nerdiest rappers since Snow burst onto the scene, oh so many years ago.

Last week, O. Snapp was busy fighting crime and making snappy puns in Canada, and meanwhile, on "Beauty and the Geek," so much drama ensued that I am tempted to call the Commissioner and have him switch me to administrative duties instead of field work. Apparently, to no one's surprise, the so-called "hot" guy and one of the beauties got it on like two little rabbits in the forest, to the extreme dismay of Geeky Girl. Just think, she came on to this show thinking she could meet some cool new people, show off her smarts, maybe meet a cute guy, get a makeover! And instead she gets screwed by her partner because he's screwing the cuter girl. Sorry if I sound bitter, this is a familiar tale to me, as I grew up looking just like our little Nicole, wearing dorky glasses and wretched vests. And unitards. I actually wore unitards. Now when I see her crying at the top of the show, not even four episodes into the season, I just want to hug her and tell her that she's a hottie to me!

Tonight was the episode we've all been waiting for: The Makeover Episode. That's right, it's that special time in practically every reality TV show when everyone who was previously hideous or hopelessly nerdy gets a free session with professional miracle worker and the chance to become socially acceptable (at least on the outside). I, for one, am hoping that tonight some of the chicks will get made UNDER, so we can see what's underneath all of that California bullshit, but I'm not gonna hold my breath.

This week, Beauty and the Geek taught us that the key to any good relationship is moral support, communication, and tight-ass pants (or, if you prefer, tight ass-pants).

The last few episodes of "Beauty and the Geek" have been, to me, like combinations of other reality shows. The makeover episode is like, well, every other reality show out there, the last episode was a combination of "Project Runway" and "Who Wants To Be A Superhero," and this week was a mix of "So You Think You Can Dance" and "Survivor" with a bit of those "Laguna Beach" Spring Break episodes.

Tonight on Beauty and the Geek, we learned absolutely nothing we didn't already know or could have inferred from past episodes: Sam is a dominator (and the recipient of some gender bias in his favor), Jasmine is afraid of bugs, and William and Jen want nothing more than to have a go at each other's jugulars (which usually means that underneath, they really just want to have sex. But I'm pretty sure they just want to sever some necessary arteries).

Nast.

Okay guys, tonight determined the final pair of teams for next week's season finale of "Beauty and the Geek." After all is said and done, I have to admit, I am pretty surprised at the teams that make it. The only way it would have been more surprising is if it had ended up differently. Or the same, but with more scandal. And entertainment.

Okay, kiddies, this is it. Our social experiment has come to a close. Tonight is the season finale of Beauty and The Geek. Can you stand the excitement? Have the last several weeks of tension, cattiness and drama proved too much for your weak stomach? What do you mean, no drama except for one time when two people made out in front of someone? Oh yeah, this season was real boring. Well, let's all raise a glass to the final episode. Thanks for not much.

An even more unconvincing paid audience than the one from "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Dear readers, I will torture you no more with my withholding of the announcement of this season's winner of "Beauty and the Geek." No, I shall not bore you with my excuses of how I was unable to record the show, then had to wait for it to come online, but then it didn't come online for a really long time (a week), and then I kind of didn't even care anymore. No, I won't do that to you. I will now unleash this information unto my fellow Gasmii. I mean, you know, after the jump.

Hey fans. Sorry about the late submission but I got assigned last and then my parents came in town so I've had my hands full. I haven't had time for a full recap of the first episode but I will return next week for an official point by point recap. In the meantime let's take a moment to get to know the staff based on their personal ads on yahoo.

Beauty and the Geek is back and it's more beautiful and geekier than ever with this season bringing us a surprising twist. Instead of pairing the beauties and geeks in teams they are now competing against each other after realizing that the romantic aspect of the show was a really stupid idea and would never work.

Beauty and the Geek is back and it's more beautiful and geekier than ever with this season bringing us a surprising twist. Instead of pairing the beauties and geeks in teams they are now competing against each other after realizing that the romantic aspect of the show was a really stupid idea and would never work.

Previously on Beauty and the Geek the girls try to decide who they should sacrifice.

...a virgin? Good luck.

To many, deciding "Of these two geeks, which one would I rather live with?" is sort of like having to decide between eating shit or going to Wendy's for lunch. For "Beauty" Tara, it's like deciding which parent you have to kill in order to survive in a bomb shelter without any food. This is Beauty and the Geek, and quite possibly the craziest hour in television since the Frost/Nixon interview. CW, anyone?

"I lack character."

To many, deciding "Of these two geeks, which one would I rather live with?" is sort of like having to decide between eating shit or going to Wendy's for lunch. For "Beauty" Tara, it's like deciding which parent you have to kill in order to survive in a bomb shelter without any food. This is Beauty and the Geek, and quite possibly the craziest hour in television since the Frost/Nixon interview. CW, anyone?

"I lack character."

Now that the Dorks and the Whores are coupled up, game dynamics are changing faster than the group's collective vocabulary --

Amanduh: "The girls and I wanted Jim to come back. That was the census."

Cuntcensus.

Take out your nail polish remover and start defragging your brain -- this week's Beauty and the Geek includes a MAKEOVER!!! Never seen one of those before, amiright!? AMIRIGHT!?

Now that the Dorks and the Whores are coupled up, game dynamics are changing faster than the group's collective vocabulary --

Amanduh: "The girls and I wanted Jim to come back. That was the census."

Cuntcensus.

Take out your nail polish remover and start defragging your brain -- this week's Beauty and the Geek includes a MAKEOVER!!! Never seen one of those before, amiright!? AMIRIGHT!?

Last week's Jenny Jones-esque makeover episode made for some great TV, but the CW brought us back to boring ol' competition grounds near the end, leaving us at a cliffhanger where the 4 remaining Dorks and Bitches had to choose who to send to the ominously named "ELIMINATION ROOM." Sending Cowboy Joe and his ho to the chopping block this week seemed long overdue, and sort of compensated this season's lost momentum, but this week (thanks to drama, dracula, fire, AND GHOSTS) things pick up to Michael Bay-grade epicness!

"Is that a mold in your pocket or are you ha-- ...oh it is? Awesome."

To many Californians, a trip to Big Bear is either 1. mandatory by order of parents or 2. mandatory by order of school field trip. But not for the Dorks and the Bitches; in fact, for them, having the CW send them off to Big Bear is like witnessing the reformation of The Beatles, or seeing God, or tripping out on some gooey Jenkem. Elation aside, one can only wonder WHO WILL DIE UNDER AN AVALANCHE? WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN AN EPISODE WHEN FACTORING IN VERY COLD WEATHER CONDITIONS?! WHERE AM I GOING TO FIT IN THE WORD "SNOWBALLING" IN A SEXUAL CONTEXT IN THIS ENTIRE RECAP!?!!?!?!?

Jessie Spano-grade Excitement

Season finales blow; saying goodbye to the people you've secretly held an emotional attachment to is really sad for about five minutes, and this is especially true in reality TV, where that slump could last for TEN minutes. Following the swan song to this season's Bitches and Dorks, it's going to be hard to imagine one night a week where sexism and classism are void from television. That's your cue to scoff.

"I HATE MAPQUEST."