To many, deciding "Of these two geeks, which one would I rather live with?" is sort of like having to decide between eating shit or going to Wendy's for lunch. For "Beauty" Tara, it's like deciding which parent you have to kill in order to survive in a bomb shelter without any food. This is Beauty and the Geek, and quite possibly the craziest hour in television since the Frost/Nixon interview. CW, anyone?
"I lack character."
Tonight's tale is one of epic proportions as it immediately escalates into last week's suspense driven by Tara's tough decision pickle: Will her partner in this next BATG chapter be Joe the Cowboy or Jonathan the Mamma's Boy!?
Turn down the lights, cue the music: Jonathan, your journey ends here.
...Oh, and your mom is outside to pick you up.
Now that everyone's all partnered up, the Beauties have taken it upon themselves to turn their Geeks into dolls of social experimentation; the Geeks were trained to 1. not sleep in their day clothes 2. understand the function of hair conditioner and 3. realize that their hygiene grade of yesteryear equals that of Paris Hilton's diaphragm.
It reminded me of the time my sister got New Kids on the Block dolls and tried to make Danny Wood look attractive. It took too long -- mission aborted!
Host Mike tells the gang in their next meeting that the challenge this week will be the presentation of a science fair: Geeks will study the laws of attraction and romance to help call-in advice on a radio talkshow, and the Beauties will present research on a bunch of subjects that end in -ology. HA-HA, BECAUSE THEY ARE OPPOSITES!!! GET IT!?!?!?
And there will be a cameo!
I wish.
It will actually be Dr. Drew, because god knows we haven't seen enough of him on television.
The rules of Geek/Beauty partnership are retained from seasons past: There will be 2 challenge winners who will pick 2 couples for elimination nomination. Proclamation!
Clearly, the Beauties and Geeks are terrified. How will the dudes deal with studying boners during a slow dance? How will the girls ever pick up a book if they can't read? That, my friends, is what we in the TV biz call HILARITY.
Sure, elementary-level science is hard, but that's only when you're in elementary school. In the studying process, it's evident that the Beauties thought "plate tectonics" was synonymous to "expensive China."
The same goes for the guys -- OH, ASHTON! The Geeks aren't familiar with the term "sexually active" only because they associate "active" to their World of Warcraft status. Not that I would know or anything. One geek even shouted "ear muffs!" That isn't a joke.
Man, tonight's shower is going to be AWESOME!!!
The Geeks are in no way prepared to give intimacy advice on-air, so the Beauties are concerned. But not concerned enough to give them a watermelon demo so that they actually know what fingering someone might feel like. Loyalty, my ass.
So no one's prepared; the geeks are uncomfortable with giving romance anecdotes and the girls are scared of ...facts? Or something?
UCLA physics professors Dr. Whowhatnow and Dr. Smartasfuck dropped in the Beauties' science fair to judge which presentation will prove the least embarrassing.
1st place gets a free abortion!
Beauty Challenge Rundown --
What genius have the Beauties put together in 24 hours?
Kristina, while presenting the process of a volcano eruption: "Like this volcano, we were under lots of pressure to put this volcano together! Once I put in this liquid, this will erupt!"
Tara, on energy conservation: "...75 times 4 equals 390."
Amanda, demonstrating plate tectonics:
Familiar.
Diva Randi, on another stupid fucking volcano: "I wore a Hawaiian-y dress to be the backdrop."
Leticia, on mobile solar energy: "I think the first vehicle was a 4-wheeled motorcycle."
Dear America,
Despite your suicide, the world will mourn.
Squeaky Cara, demonstrating the layers of the earth by means of a hard-boiled egg: "The oke," -- she meant to say yolk -- "...is the center of the earth."
Dear America,
We take that back.
I left out the part where she gave a well defined description of a seismograph, but that would only redeem her, and redemption on TVGasm isn't fun, so pretend Cara's momentary brilliance never happened.
Tiffany, on physics: Spared. Jim, her partner, is the type of geek asshole that likes to belittle others for not being versed on every fucking detail of the universe, and he had some pithy remark about her forgetting about kinetic energy. Dick.
After much deliberation (and by much I mean zero), the UCLA docs gave 1st prize to Cara.
Congratulations on memorizing shit you'll forget about in 2 hours.
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Comments (2)
I disagree....I'm going to miss Beardface. He cracked me up with his "Hells Plural Yeah" reaction to seeing the girls in the first episode. Plus, I was looking forward to seeing what Beardface looked like without the beard...on his face.
1 of 2 | Posted by manda | Posted on April 7, 2008 12:32 PM
I had mixed feelings about Jim. He was sort of creepy, in a unibomber way, but from some angles, he did look a lot like both Einstein (not the dog) or even John Lennon. I also wanted to see what he looked like without the beard.
Also, if only the geeks had gone first in the elimination, the other team would probably have won.
2 of 2 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 7, 2008 2:48 PM