Well, it's been a fun show, but every Beauty and the Geek faces an inevitable truth: Brian McFayden must surface. Yes, the pseudo hip host with the semi man-tits and the partial bangs reared his waxen head to inform the boys and girls of their next challenge. The beauties would learn about car maintenance. The geeks would learn about massage. And Brian would learn about talking with his upper lip. Okay, maybe not. But dare to dream!
Now I personally thought the girls had a tougher assignment ahead of them because their challenge actually required learning specific skills, but after seeing the guys' reaction to massage, it became obvious that this would be a much more even playing field than expected. Richard for one looked like he had just encountered the schoolyard bully as his face became crestfallen and vacant. "He's ghostly white!" exclaimed Mindi. Uh, "more ghostly white" actually.
Anyway, the teams all headed off to study, and we soon caught up with Joe who was performing the most awkward massage EVER on Erika. It wasn't so much that he was kneading as he was pinching -- sort of like he was hunting for an extension chord under a big, thick carpet. Lauren meanwhile took a crash course on vehicle upkeep courtesy of Bill, the reigning car expert from Hazzard county. When he pointed to the car jack and said it was capable of lifting two and a half tons, Lauren misheard and balked, "That's two and a half tons???" Yes, Lauren. It's the heaviest car jack in the world, and you could lift it with your bare hands. God, I love this show.
Did I say that Joe gave Erika the most awkward massage ever? I apologize. That honor was reserved for Richard and Mindi who entered low-level Annie Hall territory with their attempts to massage each other. First came Richard's feeble effort to touch, let alone massage, Mindi. Similar to Joe, he seemed unable to grasp the concept of kneading, preferring to lightly graze with the tips of his fingers instead. Frustrated with his antics, Mindi decided to demonstrate proper massage techniques on her partner, but this plan soon met with disaster. Richard quickly recoiled from her touch, and even though Mindi had barely applied any discernible pressure, he squirmed in pain, ultimately protesting, "My shoulders are damaged!" Apparently his shoulders were made of sugar wafers.
Realizing that it was better to give than to receive, Richard and his brittle shoulders swapped out again, opting to take a second chance on Mindi. "I am your masseuse!" he declared confidently -- although, technically he was her masseur -- you know, because he's male. Unfortunately, the second time was a no-go since Mindi had seemingly caused irreparable damage to Richard's osteoporosis. Because his shoulders hurt so badly, Richard called off the entire exercise, saying that they should try again the next morning. I would call him fragile, but I don't want to insult egg shells across America.
The next day, teams met up with Brian McFey-Dumb (heh, that was sweet. I questioned his intelligence AND his masculinity) and learned that the girls would have to check a car's oil, replace the air filter, and then change a tire. First one to complete all three and honk the car horn would win. Oh, and they'd have to do all this whilst wearing Daisy Dukes (and yes, Bill did have an enormous boner over that). Well, the challenge got underway and for the most part, everyone was doing surprisingly well. Everyone except Erika, who clearly was not the life-sized version of Auto Mechanic Barbie. It wasn't that she had trouble checking the oil or replacing the filter or unscrewing lug nuts. No, her problems were more basic: she couldn't open the hood. Now, I think we've all had those three mortifying seconds where we question our self-worth as our fingers search for the latch under the hood, but seriously, FIVE MINUTES?? Mindi had similar problems, but eventually she was able to get the damn thing open - without the help of Richard no less who gazed upon the car as if it were a giant masseuse coming to snap his bones.
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Comments (23)
Hilarious Recap! I about fell off the couch when Joe was "fisting" the girls. I am so sorry to see him go! His wildly inappropriate and inadvertent comments where great! Poor Mindi- Dick is the biggest tool ever. I wanted to throw up when Chuck and Rich had the heart to heart and hugged at the end. Just gross.
1 of 23 | Posted by Kelley | Posted on June 9, 2005 12:36 PM
Dayenu!
Didn't expect a little jew humor to be slipped in there, too funny B-side!
2 of 23 | Posted by Amanda | Posted on June 9, 2005 12:39 PM
Hey, B-Side. I actually *am* a social psychologist, and you're absolutely freaking right about that Richard guy. Be proud.
3 of 23 | Posted by Angie | Posted on June 9, 2005 1:24 PM
i actually think brad looks more like dean cain during the lois & clark years than tom cruise...
thanks for another amazing recap, b-side!
4 of 23 | Posted by ikellybside | Posted on June 9, 2005 2:21 PM
Had you only recapped Hell's Kitchen, it would have been sufficient. But you also brought us this show. How many more blessings may we anticipate you bestowing upon us this summer?
[I'm just disappointed Amanda beat me too this fantastic reference]
5 of 23 | Posted by BigMax | Posted on June 9, 2005 2:40 PM
Thanks for the recap! Thanks for pointing out this show! I love it! God, it's just like high school, only the really popular girls are forced to talk to you. Some of these boys are going to get some major ass after this production is over. That Ashton is their Henry Higgins. Bless him (and I never thought I'd say that about Ashton Kutcher).
6 of 23 | Posted by Bob | Posted on June 9, 2005 3:06 PM
Damn you B-side! I swore I wasn't going to pick up any new shows this summer and just anxiously await Big Brother. After you recommended this show last week I decided to watch and now I'm hooked.
I enjoyed the guy who thought he was doing good in his massage when the girl was yelling "ouch!" Good stuff.
7 of 23 | Posted by Scorpiella | Posted on June 9, 2005 3:22 PM
Was Brad an actor on Punk'd once upon a time or am I crazy? I swear I remember him from the episode with Jennifer Love Hewitt where he played a producer.
Not that I'd be shocked at plants on a reality show, but you'd think they'd be a little more careful if it's him. Anyone know what I'm talking about or recognize him?
8 of 23 | Posted by Mindy | Posted on June 9, 2005 8:16 PM
I'm glad someone else noticed that herpes outbreak on Brad. What is with this oral herpes trend?
9 of 23 | Posted by jayneatomic | Posted on June 9, 2005 8:22 PM
I might post more in a moment. But did anybody else have a crush on Joe, the guy who left last night? OMG! So frikin cute. I just wanted to squish his little head.
10 of 23 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on June 10, 2005 8:38 AM
Did anyone else notice that extra people in some shots were "blurred" out. I looked like ghosts in the background.
11 of 23 | Posted by jlassiter | Posted on June 10, 2005 8:52 AM
Ok, Brad is not a geek. So he's smart, big whoop. He's a hottie anyway you look at it. It wasn't a big suprise that one of the girls wanted to get with him. But that Erika chick who did, um, ewwww. That ton of makeup she wore did not make her attractive. And I'm affraid without the ton of makeup she might even be scarier. And the fake eyelashes just made her worse. Blech.
Ok, now first episode I kinda thought it would be cool to deflower Richard, the geek of all geeks. Because I'm really into dorky jewish boys with glasses who remind me of Woody Allen. But after last night's episode, eh, not so much. It was like the minute he got touched by his partner he freaked. And those pants are just so high. I don't know, I might still like to deflower him though, I have a thing for virgins as well.
Rock molestation, lol, oh man, wiping my eyes. Great recap.
So if anyone runs into Joe, give him my email >;o)
12 of 23 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on June 10, 2005 8:55 AM
haha...yeah...I noticed the "blurs" as well. It looks like one of the camera crews got caught in the crossfire of a scene that absolutely couldn't be cut...otherwise we would have missed the very dramatic man hug! And as far as some of the people being plants...I am pretty sure that they aren't. I actually know one of the people who cast this show, and they are all real people. Besides...it would be tough for even the best actor to show the true shock and fear that is on these guys faces when confronted with bikini clad women!
13 of 23 | Posted by Dan | Posted on June 10, 2005 10:35 AM
Is it just me or does Krystal look like she leaves an ugly sheen of oily residue on her pillow every night. That is one GREASY girl...not matter how many inches of makeup she piles onto that manish face of hers. Get this skank a Pro-Activ commercial contract STAT!
14 of 23 | Posted by TrojanMan | Posted on June 10, 2005 11:05 AM
I think that Brad looks more like Josh Hartnett. He has those smoky eyes, that confused look, and the mop head down pat.
Joe, we will miss you. You totally made Minnesota proud.
15 of 23 | Posted by Lyndsay | Posted on June 10, 2005 12:21 PM
drat...forgot to set the dvr to record the series and missed last night's episode. does anyone have a copy of it? or know when it will re-air?
16 of 23 | Posted by tribecatexan | Posted on June 10, 2005 12:57 PM
I wonder if Richard has sensory issues.
17 of 23 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on June 10, 2005 6:39 PM
By the way, my fav was Joe. I did not really Kelly (that means love for all you non amazing race fans) Erica because she spent too much time with Brad and basically ignored Joe.
18 of 23 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on June 10, 2005 6:50 PM
I also thought Erika looked like Leah from the Real World Paris. Even her mannerisms are the same.
Love the show and the recap!
19 of 23 | Posted by Deenie | Posted on June 10, 2005 9:45 PM
Outstanding recap, as usual...the great title, coupled with the photo of Richard and his porcelain shoulders, is a beautiful thing.
The description of Joe's massage as "searching for an extention cord under a big, thick carpet" has had me laughing since I read that precious nugget.
The slams on Brian McFayden have been dead-on (waxen - *snort*!). Is it just me, or does he seem as dorky as the male contestants, only with the shallow, self-absorbed nature of the females?
20 of 23 | Posted by HicksPub | Posted on June 12, 2005 1:06 PM
There's a picture of Erika circulating on the net. I saw it but lost it and cannot find it again. Looks like she had some stuff done to her face and a major overhaul on the nose and teeth. As for that hair!! She must have fake hair cause the pic I saw of her .. her hair is really short. U GO GIRL!
21 of 23 | Posted by Ty | Posted on June 12, 2005 1:08 PM
I was wondering how I could more information on joe because I thought he was cute and I didn't think he looked like a nerd at all,
so please tell me how can get pictures and stuff
22 of 23 | Posted by Brandy allen | Posted on June 13, 2005 11:53 AM
Have you seen the porno Krystal did when she was 18? It's listed on Ebay. You have to access the mature audiences section but the item number is 5590001762. Her name in the video is Gizelle and she looks alot younger and less greasy but still quite manly!
23 of 23 | Posted by Dwimmerlaik | Posted on June 16, 2005 9:49 PM