Ultimately Caitilin won the competition (that's pronounced like Kite-illin' -- yeah, I know. Poor girl), and despite getting dirty and breaking a nail, she was pretty psyched. Next up was the guys' competition. Unsurprisingly, they had to massage the girls. Did I say "unsurprisingly?" Apparently this was a very surprising revelation for Krystal who registered complete shock at this turn of events. Seriously, did she not notice that she'd spent the past twenty four hours teaching Brad about massage? Anyway, the girls all sauntered out to the tables in bikinis, and immediately Richard had a look of pure fear on his face. It was like he'd been ordered to execute them with a shotgun. Of course, things soon went from bad to worse as the guys placed their trembling mitts on the women. Richard immediately noted a certain "thrill", which we'll unfortunately assume was a massive erection. Joe, meanwhile, tried to explain his various techniques, ultimately revealing his plan to employ "fisting." Wow, he's really become quite comfortable with the female body, yes?
Just when I was ready to rev up my snarky engine even more, Krystal then had to come along and rain on my parade with a thoughtful comment. She noted that the guys really underestimate themselves and really could do so much more if they only believed in themselves. Dammit, you! Why must you bring substance to this show?? What is this newfangled reality show notion that people think of others??
Anyway, Chuck won the competition, consolidating all this week's power between him and his partner Caitilin. Richard immediately began an ingratiating and annoying campaign for their affection by coating his nose with mud (brown nosing, get it? I do hope he realizes the origins of that pun lie in feces though...) and waltzing around with a giant sign. Everyone thought this was the most annoying thing ever except Scarlett who bizarrely thought it was HILarious! Then again, she thinks lamp shades and tinfoil balls are funny too.
Well, Chuck HATED this performance and chided Scarlett's giggling, saying "Don't reinforce that." THANK YOU. A lot of people think Richard is an actor playing the dork, but having met enough dorks like Richard in my life, it's a sad reality that when these socially repressed people suddenly feel comfortable, they seem to explode into bouncy nine-year olds. Not to speak in generalizations or anything, but, well, it's true. And I am a social psychologist. Okay, now I'm just talking out of my ass. Point is, I believe Richard is truly like that.
Finally, it was time to find out who would be heading into the ELIMINATION ROOM (window shutters banging! Crows flapping away!). Before facing Brian McFayden (I wanted to say McFeydumb again, but thought it would be too much), Mindi was kind enough to teach Richard about the virtues of a "good, natural tuck," and honestly, if that's the only thing he changes, that will be enough. Dayenu!
Well, Caitilin burst into tears as she elected Erika and Joe to enter the Elimination Room, and in the most Shakespearean twist yet, Chuck sent in... Krystal and BRAD! Oh no! The love that dared not breathe now faces certain extinction! Star-crossed indeed! Actually, it may be a good thing because according to Brad's lower lip, he may just have herpes. Of course, herpes or no herpes (it's about suppression), Erika immediately became a mess, bawling that she might never see Brad again. Uh, it's been six days. I think you'll manage. At least she drew some introspective conclusions from this Geek-Beauty romance, saying "I am kind of shallow." Maybe if you want to meet more guys like Brad, you can try being, I don't know, less shallow?
I feel like this would be a really good moment for "Candle In The Wind"Anyway, my favorite part of the show began: the light trivia of the ELIMINATION ROOM (thunderclap!). Actually, even better than the basic questions is the peanut gallery, which always provides entertaining commentary. This evening, my favorite remark came from Joe, who when Erika answered a question surprisingly correct, told Brad, "THAT SUCKS!" Eh, you had to be there.
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Comments (23)
Hilarious Recap! I about fell off the couch when Joe was "fisting" the girls. I am so sorry to see him go! His wildly inappropriate and inadvertent comments where great! Poor Mindi- Dick is the biggest tool ever. I wanted to throw up when Chuck and Rich had the heart to heart and hugged at the end. Just gross.
1 of 23 | Posted by Kelley | Posted on June 9, 2005 12:36 PM
Dayenu!
Didn't expect a little jew humor to be slipped in there, too funny B-side!
2 of 23 | Posted by Amanda | Posted on June 9, 2005 12:39 PM
Hey, B-Side. I actually *am* a social psychologist, and you're absolutely freaking right about that Richard guy. Be proud.
3 of 23 | Posted by Angie | Posted on June 9, 2005 1:24 PM
i actually think brad looks more like dean cain during the lois & clark years than tom cruise...
thanks for another amazing recap, b-side!
4 of 23 | Posted by ikellybside | Posted on June 9, 2005 2:21 PM
Had you only recapped Hell's Kitchen, it would have been sufficient. But you also brought us this show. How many more blessings may we anticipate you bestowing upon us this summer?
[I'm just disappointed Amanda beat me too this fantastic reference]
5 of 23 | Posted by BigMax | Posted on June 9, 2005 2:40 PM
Thanks for the recap! Thanks for pointing out this show! I love it! God, it's just like high school, only the really popular girls are forced to talk to you. Some of these boys are going to get some major ass after this production is over. That Ashton is their Henry Higgins. Bless him (and I never thought I'd say that about Ashton Kutcher).
6 of 23 | Posted by Bob | Posted on June 9, 2005 3:06 PM
Damn you B-side! I swore I wasn't going to pick up any new shows this summer and just anxiously await Big Brother. After you recommended this show last week I decided to watch and now I'm hooked.
I enjoyed the guy who thought he was doing good in his massage when the girl was yelling "ouch!" Good stuff.
7 of 23 | Posted by Scorpiella | Posted on June 9, 2005 3:22 PM
Was Brad an actor on Punk'd once upon a time or am I crazy? I swear I remember him from the episode with Jennifer Love Hewitt where he played a producer.
Not that I'd be shocked at plants on a reality show, but you'd think they'd be a little more careful if it's him. Anyone know what I'm talking about or recognize him?
8 of 23 | Posted by Mindy | Posted on June 9, 2005 8:16 PM
I'm glad someone else noticed that herpes outbreak on Brad. What is with this oral herpes trend?
9 of 23 | Posted by jayneatomic | Posted on June 9, 2005 8:22 PM
I might post more in a moment. But did anybody else have a crush on Joe, the guy who left last night? OMG! So frikin cute. I just wanted to squish his little head.
10 of 23 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on June 10, 2005 8:38 AM
Did anyone else notice that extra people in some shots were "blurred" out. I looked like ghosts in the background.
11 of 23 | Posted by jlassiter | Posted on June 10, 2005 8:52 AM
Ok, Brad is not a geek. So he's smart, big whoop. He's a hottie anyway you look at it. It wasn't a big suprise that one of the girls wanted to get with him. But that Erika chick who did, um, ewwww. That ton of makeup she wore did not make her attractive. And I'm affraid without the ton of makeup she might even be scarier. And the fake eyelashes just made her worse. Blech.
Ok, now first episode I kinda thought it would be cool to deflower Richard, the geek of all geeks. Because I'm really into dorky jewish boys with glasses who remind me of Woody Allen. But after last night's episode, eh, not so much. It was like the minute he got touched by his partner he freaked. And those pants are just so high. I don't know, I might still like to deflower him though, I have a thing for virgins as well.
Rock molestation, lol, oh man, wiping my eyes. Great recap.
So if anyone runs into Joe, give him my email >;o)
12 of 23 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on June 10, 2005 8:55 AM
haha...yeah...I noticed the "blurs" as well. It looks like one of the camera crews got caught in the crossfire of a scene that absolutely couldn't be cut...otherwise we would have missed the very dramatic man hug! And as far as some of the people being plants...I am pretty sure that they aren't. I actually know one of the people who cast this show, and they are all real people. Besides...it would be tough for even the best actor to show the true shock and fear that is on these guys faces when confronted with bikini clad women!
13 of 23 | Posted by Dan | Posted on June 10, 2005 10:35 AM
Is it just me or does Krystal look like she leaves an ugly sheen of oily residue on her pillow every night. That is one GREASY girl...not matter how many inches of makeup she piles onto that manish face of hers. Get this skank a Pro-Activ commercial contract STAT!
14 of 23 | Posted by TrojanMan | Posted on June 10, 2005 11:05 AM
I think that Brad looks more like Josh Hartnett. He has those smoky eyes, that confused look, and the mop head down pat.
Joe, we will miss you. You totally made Minnesota proud.
15 of 23 | Posted by Lyndsay | Posted on June 10, 2005 12:21 PM
drat...forgot to set the dvr to record the series and missed last night's episode. does anyone have a copy of it? or know when it will re-air?
16 of 23 | Posted by tribecatexan | Posted on June 10, 2005 12:57 PM
I wonder if Richard has sensory issues.
17 of 23 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on June 10, 2005 6:39 PM
By the way, my fav was Joe. I did not really Kelly (that means love for all you non amazing race fans) Erica because she spent too much time with Brad and basically ignored Joe.
18 of 23 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on June 10, 2005 6:50 PM
I also thought Erika looked like Leah from the Real World Paris. Even her mannerisms are the same.
Love the show and the recap!
19 of 23 | Posted by Deenie | Posted on June 10, 2005 9:45 PM
Outstanding recap, as usual...the great title, coupled with the photo of Richard and his porcelain shoulders, is a beautiful thing.
The description of Joe's massage as "searching for an extention cord under a big, thick carpet" has had me laughing since I read that precious nugget.
The slams on Brian McFayden have been dead-on (waxen - *snort*!). Is it just me, or does he seem as dorky as the male contestants, only with the shallow, self-absorbed nature of the females?
20 of 23 | Posted by HicksPub | Posted on June 12, 2005 1:06 PM
There's a picture of Erika circulating on the net. I saw it but lost it and cannot find it again. Looks like she had some stuff done to her face and a major overhaul on the nose and teeth. As for that hair!! She must have fake hair cause the pic I saw of her .. her hair is really short. U GO GIRL!
21 of 23 | Posted by Ty | Posted on June 12, 2005 1:08 PM
I was wondering how I could more information on joe because I thought he was cute and I didn't think he looked like a nerd at all,
so please tell me how can get pictures and stuff
22 of 23 | Posted by Brandy allen | Posted on June 13, 2005 11:53 AM
Have you seen the porno Krystal did when she was 18? It's listed on Ebay. You have to access the mature audiences section but the item number is 5590001762. Her name in the video is Gizelle and she looks alot younger and less greasy but still quite manly!
23 of 23 | Posted by Dwimmerlaik | Posted on June 16, 2005 9:49 PM