Testimonials

They stalk around the park as though in a dark forest, and in the light of day it seems pretty goddamn ridiculous. I have to really give them props for committing to the character. These people have serious imaginations. Who cares if it stems from a complete lack of emotional maturity?

"Be vewy qwiet. We're wabbit hunting."

After Dave's compelling fake death scene, he loses every ounce of cool he's gained since living at the mansion. Contact lenses do not a stud make.

Across the country, in Davis, California, we welcome the return of Sam-urai.

"My eyebrows alone can Judo-chop you!"

He's showing Nicole around his hometown, and would anyone care to guess at their first stop? My guess would have been a liquor store or a male strip club (that's where he works, right?) but no, it turns out to be my third guess, the gym.

These two crazy kids argue the virtues of exercise endorphins versus chocolate endorphins while Nicole attempts (and just about pulls off) a gynecologist joke on one of the weight machines.

Finally, some real action on this show.

Next up, Nicole, wearing an unfortunate purple/orange color combination, accompanies Sam to a bar around what looks like 2 or 3 o'clock in the afternoon. They meet up with some of Sam's buddies (who appropriately all wear the button-down shirt/khakis uniform and stiffly hold their beers with a polite smile frozen on their faces) and Sam's brother, "Tequila" Joe. Throw a pair of glasses on him and he could have been one of the made-over geeks.

Now THAT would have been a team. After a "small" Tequila tasting session, the boys get wild with what they call "The Matrix Dance." I'll let you figure it out.

I don't get it.

Next we go back to Bahstin, Tufts University to be exact, to get a peek at Nicole's life outside of the manse. Because she's a musicology major, Nicole finds an empty auditorium and decides to serenade Sam. That's fine but please, no more '90s techno.

She's actually rather good, despite her facial twitching, and Sam looks (or at least acts) quite enchanted.

"I've gotta get me some of that opera ass."

Later they meet up with Nicole's roommates, and considering the way Nicole used to dress herself, it all makes sense. There's a Geeky Asian, a Hippie, and a Lesbian.

Oh wait, that one's not a boy? Make that a Hippie, a Lesbian, and a Geeky Asian Lesbian. I wonder which of these categories Nicole fits into? I don't think she's a hippie.

Last but obviously never least is Jasmine and her fam in Columbus, Ohio. When she and Dave arrive at her house, Jas' mom and sister open the door with equally squeaky, squealy voices as Jasmine.

It's like a pack of squirrels fighting over their favorite acorn.

It's really cute to see Jasmine in her natural environment, and how close she is to her sister (who's a jock, the complete opposite of Jasmine, except in looks, in which case, they're nearly identical). They finish each other's sentences and giggle simultaneously. The family indulges Jas' narcissism by perusing photos of her throughout her entire life, and then we get to meet the kids that Jasmine baby-sits, which is pretty boring save for the return of Dave gymnastics.

Pssst. A headstand doesn't work if you have a jumping start.

This is also the same time we learn that Dave is 28. TWENTY-EIGHT. Dude, put down the light saber and get to growin' up.

Back in La-La Land, the kids are back in the stereotype bubble and we see Sam and Nicole wake up together, spooning. Ka-WHA?

Did I miss a plot point?

While the teams study "each other" as preparation for the final elimination, Jasmine dons her glasses, I can only assume as a symbol of her true transformation.

"E=MC2"

Yeah, I don't know how to do "squared" on a keyboard. So I'm used to doing all of my mathematical equations on paper, so sue me. Anyway, all of Jasmine's signals of change, symbolic or not, seem to disappear as she mispronounces "familiarity" four times in a row, differently each time. Oh well, you can't fight City Hall. Or cellular brain growth.

Each team reflects upon their levels of personal change throughout the competition, and while Dave makes drunken analogies to atomic elements, Sam and Nicole think about how far they've come since these two moments:

"I'm Princess Inexplicably Neverlaid!"

I mean, come on. He's a stripper, right????

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Posted in Beauty and the Geek by O. Snapp at 6:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Last Comment: pappy on Dec 3, 2007 09:30 AM.