First off, let me just say that this is going to be an interesting recap of Big Brother. First of all, I'm starting late -- 11:19 PM, specifically. You can thank a general restless nature / occasional ADD problem for that. The good news is that I have opted to sacrifice my laundry tonight to write this recap, which I suppose won't matter for the most of you. As for me, it looks like it'll be a stunning day of black socks and white shorts tomorrow. In another bit of poor planning, I also just ate my McDonald's-supplied dinner about three minutes ago, which means the specter of food coma lingers over this recap like the stank of Alison in the Big Brother hot tub. I'm crossing my fingers that I don't slip into a world of slumber, but in case I do, you'll just have to excuse what will surely be a nifty collection of run-on sentences and general babble. Speaking of which, that's exactly what I'm doing right now, so let's get started!

As the hour began, we had to endure a blue-and-white flashback of Kaysar's dumb, dumb nominations. Granted, last week I kept saying how the sharks should focus on the floaters, but in the specific case of King Kaysar, he really should have put up at least one resident of Chill Town (also known as the lamest town on Earth). Nevertheless, as we saw the cast members pull out their keys, the camera trained on Diane, whose eyes showed complete incredulity.

"It could probably be the crappiest feeling that I've had yet in this house," she said. Really? Worse than that time when a guy called "Boogie" grabbed your ass and shoved your face deep into a trough of "slop"? Surely, that had to be a low point. Luckily, the houseguests were just as mystified by Kaysar's selections as we were. Marcellas was truly p.o.'d, calling the picks "lame-ass." Janelle felt that he had taken the easy way out, and Will, well, he laughed that Kaysar had just bought himself two or three weeks. And by "weeks," he meant "days." For even if Will wasn't going to specifically put Kaysar up, one of the other houseguests would, and that wouldn't be in violation of any stupid arrangement.

Nakomis, meanwhile, was still trying to piece together her nomination. She felt she was the least threatening person in the house. "I mean, I'm up on the block with my alliance. A two person alliance -- whooo!!" she mocked. It was a lot funnier when she said it.

Kaysar explained to us that he chose Nakomis because she was strong and stealth. Yes, but she wasn't coming after you. We then cut back to the dining room as all the house guests rose from the table and scattered. Kaysar apologized to Nakomis and Diane, the latter of which brushed the whole thing off by saying, "Totally cool." Translation: "I hate you more than cancer." The HOH then told us the reason why he had put Diane up was because he wanted to scare her. Oh, that's good. Better to scare a possible agitator rather than eliminate your biggest rival.

Anyway, even though he had hugged them both and apologized and all that, Kaysar still followed Diane and Nakomis into their room, asking to be further relieved from the guilt that plagued him. Look, unspoken rule: when you nominate someone, you give them a perfunctory apology and hug and then you just leave them alone. So Kaysar, you know, GO AWAY. Alas, he did not. Instead, he became the most annoying HOH ever, whining, "Diiiiiannnne." Seriously. Just stop.