That night, Dan lies down on the hammock alone and talks to America. What are we gonna make him do? If he votes out Jessie, he's gonna be in trouble with some people but if he votes out Memphis, he's gonna have Libra and Keesha on his ass and no one wants those two after them. When they had that big fight on Tuesday they started screeching so high they sounded like Dino the pet dinosaur did whenever Fred got home from bowling. Dan tells us that we better hook him up because he gave Jessie an eighteen second gay hug and the unspoken promise of a future drunken bj for us.

Dan lies around with Goal Weight Rerun and tells him how much he loves coaching at St. Mary's and that he was sad to go right when conditioning was starting. Rerun doesn't know what conditioning is so Dan explains that it involves taping the kids' eyes open and tying them up in front of Kirk Cameron propaganda videos. I thought Rerun would get freaked out and leave the room, but instead his nipples turned rock hard. This show is sick.

Picture 15-14
Ding! Nips are done!

The bot shows us clips of Dan's football team sitting in Roseanne Connor's living room watching Big Brother. Is that one in the center one of the Jonas brothers? These are the smallest football players I have ever seen.

Picture 1-71
Poor big black kid in the back probably has to do everything.

They are watching the clip of Dan stringing barely understandable English together while giving Rocky speeches to the HG's hanging on to the ledge in last week's HOH comp. They cheer loudly and go nuts, because he gives the same meaningless unintelligible speeches to them. Then they see the clip of Dan holding onto Jessie for dear life and crying on his shoulder.

Picture 2-65
It's not just the priests you gotta watch out for.

In a clip of Dan being saved, the guys all jump around and scream and yell and make hulk poses and I start cracking up because I know Schoonie is at home right now trying to shield his eyes from the TV so he can avoid all the jorts. Schoonie really really hates jorts.

Picture 3-69
Love ya, Schoon!

Dan's sister and mom are also watching. The sister talks, but all I can hear is makeup.

Picture 4-61
Holy mother of Maybelline!

The mom isn't happy that he took the America's Player challenge because Dan's really bad at lying and anyone with a brain bigger than a pea will know he's full of shit and start questioning all of his plays. Cut to everyone wondering whether or not Dan's America's Player. That mom knows her boy. The sister says that Dan "has so much strategy" that he would totally talk himself out of the trouble he might get in. Cut to Dan being confronted by Libra and Keesha about being America's Player and nervously laughing and staring up at the camera and crossing his fingers for everyone to see. So. Much. Strategy.

The bot rescues us from Detroit clips and brings us to the living room, where she asks Michelle if she's still being a whiny bitch about having to wear the unitaaahd. Michelle screams that she always gets screwed and Libra is a bitch slut whoauh and then tries to run out of the room but all the doors are locked. When she sits back down, the bot asks her how it feels to have to vote so many possible boyfriends out of the house when all she has to look forward to when she goes home are ten pets and a bunch of horny hairy backed cousins. Michelle starts scream fug crying again and tells Julie to get bent and then starts ramming up against all the locked doors.

Moving on. ChenChen asks Keesha about her thirtieth birthday party sucking so hard and how she felt about having a tiny cheap ass cookie cake. Keesha is big about it and says that these things happen and she was just happy that at the end of the day she was surrounded by people that she loved. Kidding! She says she hates everyone and hopes they die and she's made a list of everyone that she's gonna make pay. The bot says "fierce!" Uh...who's fucking with the bot's voice box? Fierce died in 2001, then again in 2007. Please just let fierce rest in peace, bot!

Picture 13-21
So that's how you stay so hawt.

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Comments (22)

trink621:

OK, everyone...let's hear what your one-word response would be when you hear the same houseguests' names that Julie gave Jessie. Was it really as hard as Jessie made it seem? And why didn't he get mad at America disrespecting him when he was trying to sleep? (It really would have been funny, btw, if one of the recorded messages was someone sounding like Renny that first night in the house!)

bbjunkie:

Oh Flip, I am on vacation at the in-laws and I haven't seen the show since the last live show. I have been reading the recaps. What a great way to wake up -- bye bye Jessie. I have been snickering to myself so nobody knows what I am doing. Great recap! Too many funny things. I can't wait to get home a go through my TiVo and see all the hijinks. You make it sound like I missed a good week.

Many hearts to you.

carrie:

Why are that dude's jorts on Dan's football team so freakin tight? They're like spandex jorts. sick.

This was such a good episode! Great recap Flip! and is it just me, or is Rerun's head getting bigger by the episode??

lickitysplit:

I really liked Jessie, and was sad to see him go. However, him leaving had the potential to stir up much much more drama, so it's a fair trade. Michelle winning HOH was the best. I hope it's non-stop meltdowns this week.

I'm so excited for next week. Bring on the real BB players!

DP Hooker:

Were the before her name and after her name April screencaps supposed to be the same? Or was the before supposed to be Aging Deep Thought Concerned Face?

Hilarious recap - Michelle is going to be insufferable this week. When she was hooting and hollaring after winning, i was like "OK Michelle..we get it. you did it for jessie, and he STILL doesn't want to fuck you."

schoonie:

I DO really really hate jorts, but I had to laugh there because I'm pretty sure they dressed that ridiculously on purpose.

And also, Dan's sister is HOT.

schoonie:

Also, WORD on the 'Everyone needs to shut up about the Hawaiian vacation already' monologue.

flipit:

hey guys!! thanks dp! i changed the pics! xo ps schoon of course you like that skinny girl and i don't think anyone dresses like those poor boys on purpose. ;)

DeAnne1233:

Hi All! Just ran across this blog post and had to comment.

Flip, seriously, I had tears streamin from laughing so much at your recap.

I've been a BB watcher for years and what happened on the last show is exactly why I watch it. It's become a familiar pattern. The flip in house control which in turn leads to an HOH winner out for revenge. The looks on their faces every season is 'Oh shit' on both sides for opposite reasons.

As far as the one word description for the HG's, it would have to be; Liar and would apply to all. If you watch BB After Dark, you get an additional 3 hours per night for the viewers to catch all of their lies and badmouthing each other.

My question is, do they not watch the show and pick up clues about what to do an not do while they are in there. Do they learn nothing?

This gang has got to be some of the most childish BB's I've seen, to get to the point that a 75 year old man has become a gossipy school girls. Sheesh!

The next week or so will be pretty entertaining to watch.

Thanks again for the lols Flipit.

Dirty Sanchez:

That Memphis sure is a charismatic fellow. At least Jessie was good for a few laughs, intentional or not.

Damn deviant Libra! Maybe she rolls her head in a very perverse way.

Anyone else notice that Ollie has that "Shit, I banged this crazy chick and now I can't get rid of her" look on his face when April talks to him? Just a few more weeks Rerun and you'll be home free.

renoblondee:

Flippit, you are an absolute genious. Thanks for the hilarious recap as always!
Loves and kisses!

renoblondee:

Sorry about the double p there Flip, typo.... you know who you are I guess, lol.

nerrawllehctim:

Hey, Schoonie. While I was watching the show with the jorts-wearing football team montage, I may have actually seen Joe from BB8 in that group.

juddfan:

Are we sure this isn't Flipbot knocking out all these speedy recaps . . . after all, it's not like our flip it to ponder ending drinking . . . is it!?

Hysterical, Flip, and like the rest, guess we all enjoy some douchery and perhaps will be missing it, but I'm very glad to see the split finally happen and the claws to come out. Good thing Libra got the vaca, coz she's likely toast!!! Well played by Dan, I'm glad to be liking him, and I thought the joy jumps were funny!!! GWRerun just doesn't seem to be the brightest, huh, and glad April isn't lost in delusions of love and is instead just getting some!!!

With Douchey gone, I mean Jessie, hopefully Renny will come out of her shell a bit more and bring on some party girl!!! XOXO

J-Mo:

Heyyyyy, I LIKE a big ass in jorts... it's such a straight-boy fashion thing (and I like white-trash guys, too). Eh, I'm weird that way, I guess, but Jessie didn't do nothin' for me at all (other than make me want to stab my eardrums and burn my corneas). Flipit, you are da mastah of da ass!

love, J-Mo :)

Pixi-stix:

I am so glad to see Jessie go. Jerry needs to leave too, so annoying lately. Also didn't the BB producers think that waking up a 75 year old man with loud sounds might not have been a good idea. Although I guess they thought a heart attack would equal ratings.

Flip: thanks for the Hawaii rant. I feel the same way about people that think all women should have kids. Some of us just don't want to be breeders.

This next week should be interesting.

suckitbitches:

Memphis sure is sitting pretty right now, remember Brian's prediction?

Bye bye Jessie! You are the idiot that did this to yourself.

JustJesse:

This episode was awesome! My Mom and I were on the edge of our seats when the HOH came down to Libra and Michelle and then when Michelle won it, we got almost as loud as she did! Libra has got to go!! I don't even care who she puts up beside her. Just get that annoying woman out of the house. Speaking of that annoying woman, what was with the crap she was giving Jessie for just "sleeping and eating"? If I'm not mistaken, EVERY TIME they cut to Libra in the house she is in bed. And some of Keesha's comments last night pissed me off too. She didn't think it was right to have to vote the way April wanted and yet when she was HOH, everyone had to vote the way SHE wanted. Those two simply make me sick and must be dealt with.

And Flip, Jen will be part of the houseguests coming back. When Julie was talking about it, they showed the people on the screen, one from each of the previous seasons... :-)

Anonymous:

Flip, you rock.

But first:

What the hell was up with Dan's "football" "team"?

'80's era Falcon video, anyone?

foxbasealpha:

At the end of the show, Chenbot mentioned that houseguests from previous seasons were going to compete against the current turds. Wonder who they will be (Bunky? Jen? Matty? Chicken George?)and what the competition involve them doing?

bentley1101:

From what I gathered/saw there is:
1- Chicken George
2- Bunky?
3- Amy
4- Jun
5- Jase
6- Janelle
7- Boogie
8- Jen
9- Matty

itchy:

I don't get it...we're supposed to stick up for Libra now? She's almost as annoying as Jessie--actually even more so because Jessie was a hoot and Libra's just plain boring. So why can't I spank her for ditching her kids? Can I at least make fun of her for always posing with her 'good side' facing the camera?

Anyone notice that Renny keeps looking better and better each week? Maybe it's just because the other gals get more and more haggard.

Can't help myself, I like Dan. And even more now that I see his hot sis (despite the collision with the Avon delivery van). Of course, now that I said I like Dan, he'll be booted out next week. Sorry, fella.

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