Schoonie: Oh god, another April. I bet this'll work out well. Her bio says that she has an identical twin sister that is pregnant, so I guess we can go on and rule out THAT twist. Her favorite foods, however, are carb laden, so she gets one point for that. Her favorite movies are (get this) "Dumb & Dumber", "Remember the Titans" and "Crash". Right now, someone out there is financing a movie about a racist football team taking a road trip to Aspen, and I'm guessing I'm not the only one who cannot wait until that shit comes out.
FozzieBare: Ever seen Memphis in April? It's glorious, although completely vapid and extemely creepy.
April calls her dad her rock, although he prefers to be called her Dwayne Johnson.
Flipit: April has OCD, a degree in "fitness management", and a twin with a matching tramp stamp on her lower back. But she's totally into carbs you guys, so don't hate her because she's almost kinda not fug. Ugh. I wanna walk on her bed with muddy shoes. And PS, bitch ain't thirty.
Ollie
Flipit: The bot tells us that Ollie recently lost his virginity.
Schoonie: It's why he's smiling so widely, I guess.
Flipit: Cut to Ollie doing the window wash dance and saying "I'd be better off sleeping with less women." You know who else would be better off? Women. His bio says he is a preacher's son from "The Black Brady Bunch". Oh, Jan. Rerun's hat makes you look fat.
Schoonie: He also doesn't drink, smoke or curse, so: dead to me.
FozzieBare: Ollie was actually the inspiration for that Dusty Springfield ballad "Kangol Hat Bonanza."
Other than the obvious physical similarities, he also shares a birthday with Jonathan Lipnicki.
Michelle
FozzieBare: I love this glorious, fierce, thick mane. We can only hope she's as delusional and self-possessed as Amber. I have a theory that it's the hair that makes them crazy. "She is an avid animal-lover and has a dog named Ralph Lauren, a pair of cats, Tiger and Cookie, a rabbit named Bugsie, a bird and three fishes", 4 of which currently reside in her hair.
Flipit: Second age liar. Michelle is one of those cougars who insists that she's twenty eight until she dies with all of her grandchildren at her bedside. She is a single realtor with 8 pets, and I'm guessing she's also got a freezer full of Chubby Hubby and an old tape of "When Harry Met Sally" in the VCR. I need a lint brush just looking at her.
Schoonie: I agree that Michelle looks alarmingly like Amber, which is so, so bad because I've already spent an entire season of recaps making up stories about melting polar ice caps and the rising cost of corn and other reasons why Amber was crying, just to keep it interesting. One the bright side, however, I still have "Cries all over the place" as a macro. Score! Apparently she jumped up at her brother's wedding when the priest asked for objections. I bet her sister-in-law loves her.
Jerry
Schoonie: Jerry looks awesome, which means that he will probably be the first person to go. He's 75 and apparently never missed an episode of Big Brother, which makes me wonder if he's really using the rest of his time to maximum effect.
Flipit: Jerry has a "very profound strategy" for this season, and I have a feeling it might involve farting a lot during endurance challenges. In his bio we learn that he's an ex Marine, loves his wife and the USA, and his favorite movie is The Ten Commandments. How un-creepy. Then the bio ends with "He describes himself as liking to touch". A. Yikes and B. YAY!
FozzieBare: We shouldn't underestimate Jerry just because of his age. I think Jerry's going to be a real force to be reco.....Oops he died. Never mind.
Libra
Schoonie: Libra is a "staunch" Obama supporter, which I find hilarious. Have you ever heard anyone who calls themselves an Obama supporter say something like "Yeah, I like Barack Obama. I mean, he's...sort of cool." They're ALL staunch.
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Comments (12)
Oh boy, am I the first to comment. I don't completely watch this shoe but I LOVE THE RECAPS. And this review shows me why. You guys are totally awesome. I love everything about you guys. Can't wait for the show to start.
1 of 12 | Posted by Bremm | Posted on July 9, 2008 9:26 AM
"His bio says he is a preacher's son from "The Black Brady Bunch". Oh, Jan. Rerun's hat makes you look fat."
Dear Flipit, where shall I send the bill for my keyboard? It won't work with all the spit out coke everywhere
I will do like I always do, don't ever watch the show but read the recaps and spoilers from the ppl who actually subscribe to the live feed. I'm disappointed, I was hoping there would be a Ninja in the cast. Ninja's are so underrepresented on television. America is ANTI-NINJA!
2 of 12 | Posted by Fayellis1 | Posted on July 9, 2008 10:16 AM
Now that you mention it, ninjas are woefully underrepresented on American reality television. Racists!
3 of 12 | Posted by schoonie | Posted on July 9, 2008 10:33 AM
well, I'm disappointed there's no hunk of burning love (or chunk, as some might say) for my eye candy, and therefore, I'm luke on the viewing-I do think I'll watch the first epi so I'm more intune with the recaps I WILL be reading!!! 3 of my favorite gasm cappers, I'm there!!!
I didn't watch the video's, but I'm with you Flipit, I think I'm in love with Renny!!!
4 of 12 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 9, 2008 12:17 PM
Who names these people? Libra? Memphis? Ollie? Renny? It's like a bad nighttime soap opera.
Here are my quick impressions:
Ollie has a completely fake smile. So does Brian, who seems to think his dimples are the key to life.
Michelle is not nearly as cute as she thinks she is.
April has the pointiest chin ever grown.
Memphis looks like a Mike Boogie wannabe (why would anyone want to be?) with a better vocabulary.
Keesha...buy a hairbrush.
Dan is either A.) there to fight with Steven or B.) going to be Steven's new BFF.
Jessie's head is too small for his body. I'm betting his brain is, too.
Libra is a way for CBS to give plenty of free airtime to the Democratic Savior, Barack Hussein Obama. I'll beat the rush, and just start hating her now.
Renny thinks she's auditioning for Gypsy.
It's gonna be an...interesting season.
5 of 12 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on July 9, 2008 2:46 PM
well, this has probably been mentioned somewhere, but this season is obviously about people who are Politically/socially/sexually/racially/etc. polar opposists. We have "staunch" conservatives and liberals, gay cowboys, anti-this, pro-that...I'm sensing the season will focus a lot on these issues.
Should be interesting.
6 of 12 | Posted by serjen | Posted on July 9, 2008 3:52 PM
It was very funny to read. I like Steven the gay cowboy.
Wish there was a big beefy guy to lust after.
On a scale of 1 to 10 I give the cast a "4" for overall sex appeal.
Can't they just do a GUY BIG BROTHER and get rid of all the icky girls?
7 of 12 | Posted by weasel dearest | Posted on July 9, 2008 4:14 PM
I am looking forward to watching BB again after boycotting the BS that was Season 9.
8 of 12 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on July 9, 2008 6:38 PM
Ohhh I love these people already! And by love I mean I already know who I am gonna hate! God bless the geezer, who wants to bet he and the gay cowboy become besties?
Can't wait for the recaps from FliFozzSchoo!
9 of 12 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on July 9, 2008 7:01 PM
Can't wait!! Especially looking forward to the recaps, AGAIN!
10 of 12 | Posted by EZ Rider | Posted on July 10, 2008 2:54 PM
I will be the first to predict - bizarre love triangle between Dan, Steven and Jessie!
The movie in my head is rolling....
11 of 12 | Posted by krut | Posted on July 11, 2008 8:25 AM
Great Recap!
I hope these morons(I mean hamsters) are just as funny as your recaps.
One gal is leaving her 4 month ole twins. Somebody doesn' t like mommyhood and wants to get away as long as she can!
12 of 12 | Posted by wincha | Posted on July 13, 2008 1:18 PM