Jase realized he was losing the guys in the heated hard candy forum; so he tried to speak slowly and logically. “Holly, the cracker, would never vote us off,” he explained. You heard it here first. The Cheez-It is pro-Lifesaver! Now, I may have bungled the second half of that quote, but I do know for sure that Jase did say “Holly, the cracker” which leads me to ask one thing: how much more idiotic can these guys get? Was this entire candy/cracker scheme too difficult to follow? Had the nature of the strategy session become so overwhelmingly complex that Jase needed to remind everyone that the sole Cheez-It represented dear Holly? I also sincerely hope the guys realize the cracker only symbolizes Holly and that it’s not actually her. You never know with Scott hanging around. At times I worried the big gorilla might actually swoop down and gobble up the Nakomis Lifesaver. Then the Horsemen would really be confused.
Amazingly, it seems as though the Horsemen have relied on the Lifesavers in previous strategy sessions. I wonder if they keep these pivotal hard candies in a special vault for emergency planning, and which leads me to ask what contingency plans do they have for the inevitable Lifesaver that’s stuck to the one next to it? Does that represent an alliance? Furthermore, was the Cheez-It part of the strategy kit, or was that an impromptu addition? Whatever it was, it wasn't welcomed. I don’t know why the guys were beating up on the poor cracker. Don’t they realize a Cheez-It can be just as delicious as any citrus flavored sucking candy?
Luckily for Holly and Keebler products everywhere, Jase managed to turn the tide back against Adria, who sadly was not represented by any sort of unique snack item (I would have suggested an Altoid). Everything seemed to be going to Jase’s plan, but you can never underestimate the power of a jilted lover. While Holly and Jase indulged in some kissy kissy near the refrigerator, jealous Scott voyeuristically spied on them via that gimmicky monitor in the Head of Household room. It became startlingly obvious that the cockblock had to go, and so began the quiet and surprising ouster of Holly.
I wonder if Holly anticipated her third round eviction. At the voting off ceremony, she presented silly, annoying parting gifts to Jase, but it was Adria who proved to be the one we wanted to shut up. When asked to share some final thoughts with the house before the voting results were read, Adria busted out a filibuster length speech that seemed to go on for time eternal. You could just sense Julie Chen salivating at the thought of cutting her off. Nevertheless, after the house guests endured this endless babble and the awkward send off of Holly, they were ushered into the backyard for… another test of endurance. This time, everyone had to press down on buttons and the last person standing would win. Of course, keeping that button depressed meant standing in awkward, uncomfortable stances. Scott, however, seemed to have no problem assuming the position…
So the amusing episode ended with a cliffhanger as we won’t know until Saturday who will win Head of Household. I suppose I could always go to the discussion boards and read some spoilers, but what’s the fun in that? It’s like using Lifesavers to… eat.
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Comments (3)
OMG!
bravo.
bravo.
this is a wonderful summary. the continual gasping for air of holly during the julie chen interview was worth waiting for!
1 of 3 | Posted by jash | Posted on July 30, 2004 10:24 AM
You almost made me pee in my pants laughing. You would have owed me a new pair of spiffy pants, beeyotch.
Oh, and does anyone else find it ironic that Scott chose to use a cheese-based product for his riveting analogy, when the word 'cheese' is something that is evidently beyond this literary comprehension?
2 of 3 | Posted by Rara Avis | Posted on July 30, 2004 6:58 PM
For some reason, half of my post here full out disappeared. So if this column reads completely differently, that's because I had to rewrite it. I hope it's still funny...
3 of 3 | Posted by b-side | Posted on July 30, 2004 10:25 PM