Last night on Big Brother, Jesus was marinated in the germs that cause bad breath.
Get me some nails.
First I have to give a giant f u to DirecTV for giving me a black screen for the entire hour of tonight's Big Brother. I am planning on recapping this while watching online, if it will work. It's been five minutes of black screen on the net, too. Is God trying to tell me something? Oh wait! A Benefiber commercial! He is talking to me! Get off my fat ass, God!
Man, I wish the earthquake hit the rest of LA after it hit the Big Brother house because instead of ducking, screaming and praying to Jesus, I would have known that all I really needed to do to make everything ok is take off my shirt. Thanks, Organiroid! When we left off Thursday, the HGs were hanging from a shaking building in an endurance challenge. Get it? Cuz there had been an earthquake! I hope the big one hits this season just so I can see the awesome ripped from the headlines set that sucks Jessie into the ground for good. Hey, while we're being topical with the games here, the state's still on fire!
When we drop in today, the HGs are still holding onto the building while a wind machine blows sand and water and trash onto them. Luckily for Renny, she's beside Jessie, who is in a bonding mood. He asks if she's ok with him and she nods, confused. He meant "have you learned respect, old woman?" Either way, her response is natural. Then violins start playing as he monologues about his drastic and life threatening six pound weight loss. If this were any other time, Renny could have pulled out a wadded up patchouli smelling kleenex with bits of tobacco in the creases to wipe his tears, but it's not so all she can do is look desperately around for a waiter to bring the check.
If you haven't thrown a sack of grain over the Big Brother fence yet, you should be ashamed of yourself.
No one has started crying, so Jessie pulls out his other giant weapon: his shitty personality. He starts shouting nonsense about gluts and biceps as he flexes and puffs out his chest at the other HG's. He tells us that this competition is very important "because everything's on stake just because of the sheer fact that..." HUH? Back at the ledge, he's bellowing about how if he falls, he'll just do a pull up and it will all work out. Jerry is getting annoyed by all this bluster, so he starts shouting that Jessie can't handle the truth and then falls on his face.
Whenever I do something incredibly stupid, I jolt awake right before sleep and start calling myself an idiot and cutting my thumbs with my index finger nails, so I was hoping that Keesha would start her diary room session with bloody hands, but no. She's smiling big and telling us how proud she is of herself for evicting the girl who messed with her gbf. Yeah, good for you, Keesha! You got rid of a girl who posed little to no threat to you and left the Incredible Sulk and his little Smithers, both of whom work out way more than you and now pretty much hate you. I was really expecting more than petty jealousy and girl rivalry from a Hooters waitress.
Bitch.
Hag.
I hate her soooo much.
Then Renny starts doing stripper moves.
New Orleans has a boner right now.
It's only been 33 minutes, and people are starting to freak. Is there no DMV where these people come from? 33 minutes is nothing. Libra is muttering to herself and jerking her head like she's having seizures. Finally, she asks herself "where am I?" Uh, you're on a set in Hollywood. Where are your kids? Kidding! Just thought I'd add that one in there for all you worried about Libra ditching the EbIv twins for a chance to win half a mil. My mom left me in the hot car in the summertime to get her goddamn nails done, k? It might just be how I was raised, but who cares? She's missing the suckiest part of motherhood. If her husband ever wants to get laid again he'll have the little brats aiming into the toilet by the time she gets back. Point is, Libra is a big wuss and is the second to fall.
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Comments (13)
LOL. Renny is back on her meds and she has calmed down. I am hoping she skips a dose soon. Love her. Love you. Thanks for making me giggle this morning!
1 of 13 | Posted by Cherie | Posted on August 4, 2008 6:29 AM
Quick recap, Flipit! (and great, as usual).
It's pretty funny that Jesse was so smug until he jumped off and then dissed the contest as lame. No, dude, YOU'RE lame.
I'm from RI and (like Bostonians) we generally don't pronounce Rs at the end of words. But, we CAN pronounce them on command. I can't believe Michelle couldn't pronounce the word water. Please don't think the rest of us from teeny tiny Rhode Island are that bad. Was she drunk?
2 of 13 | Posted by TaxGirl | Posted on August 4, 2008 7:16 AM
Dang Flipit, why are you so funny?? Loved the recap- LOL about the cricket in Michelle's hair. Jessie's douchebaggery knows no limits. It's epic. He's like beetlejuice on steroids with that tiny little head of his. Anyway, thx for the quick post!
3 of 13 | Posted by carrie | Posted on August 4, 2008 8:23 AM
EVERY ONE OF THESE HOUSEGUESTS IS INCREDIBLY LAME...which explains why I can't take my eyes off of this show!
All kidding aside, Renny has earned a great deal of respect from me for outlasting most of those tools. Then again, Saddam Hussein earned a great deal of respect from me for rockin the Burt Reynolds moustache so I'm probably not a great indicator.
Great recap. You too, have earned a great deal of respect from me.
4 of 13 | Posted by oywhatnext | Posted on August 4, 2008 8:41 AM
Holy shit, I just can't believe how lame these people are. That was a 'competition'? I mean, okay, I'll let the old guy slide, but jeez, most of these people couldn't hang on for an hour? Well, sure, I understand that stick-to-it-tiveness is not exactly Libra's strongest feature...
I kind of liked Dan's motivational speeches...I really hope I'm right, and he's one hell of a sarcastic son-of-a-bitch. But somehow, I'm guessing I'm wrong and he's just an idiot. Sigh.
You'd think the casting people would have learned to get this right after all this time? No.
I'm not rooting for ANYONE to win. Not a single one of them deserve any kind of prize at all.
Except April and Ollie, because at least they're fucking on national television. As nasty as that is.
5 of 13 | Posted by itchy | Posted on August 4, 2008 8:57 AM
Yay, America's Player is back! Great news, since it worked out so well last time in getting that Tommy Lee wanna-be and his cunty daughter to the final 2. The only task I want Dan to complete is to go one week without shouting at the camera.
What the hell was Libra talking about when she muttered "Where am I?" I have to imagine that she is a gigantic pain in the ass to deal with and her poor husband is hoping she makes it to the final. Not so much for the 500k, but just for the time away from her.
6 of 13 | Posted by Dirty Sanchez | Posted on August 4, 2008 10:20 AM
Quote of the week:
"I have to imagine that she is a gigantic pain in the ass to deal with and her poor husband is hoping she makes it to the final. Not so much for the 500k, but just for the time away from her."
LMFAO!
7 of 13 | Posted by itchy | Posted on August 4, 2008 11:51 AM
I don't know how someone with such a small head can have such a huge ego. Jesse: "A man's body is extremely sensitive . . . pat him on the back and his head swells!"
8 of 13 | Posted by wornsey | Posted on August 4, 2008 2:43 PM
Was there NOTHING else good that happened in the house besides the HOH competition? I think 40 minutes of the show was devoted to that. And seriously, was it necessary to pan the houseguests with the birds in the foreground? What was with those birds anyway? To make it more realistic? (The stupidity of it did make me laugh though.)
I too thought Dan's speeches were kinda funny.
So far, Dan has made Eric seem to be a brilliant America's Player and he sucked.
I have a question...when you're in an endurance competition and it's totally obvious that your only remaining competitor is bearly hanging on...WHY would you bargain with him/her??? Makes no sense to me.
9 of 13 | Posted by Trink561 | Posted on August 4, 2008 5:09 PM
Trink561
We were saying the same thing last night. Why would anyone who is doing well bargain with someone who is about to fall. And if you know you aren't doing well, why don't you bargain before you keep saying, I am not doing well, or crying or anything else letting the other person know you aren't hanging on for much longer.
10 of 13 | Posted by tammy | Posted on August 5, 2008 12:11 AM
They always do that though, bargaining when there's no point anymore.
Although from the love-fest they had after they dropped, I think they were beyond the point of rationale thought.
April had nothing to lose anyway, since Michelle wasn't her target. And Michelle had nothing to lose, since she was going to drop anyway.
But here's my question: why do the houseguests feel they must follow the HOH's plan? After the POV ceremony, the HOH no longer has ANY power over them!
Buncha lemmings.
11 of 13 | Posted by itchy | Posted on August 5, 2008 12:51 AM
How lame was that America's Player request for Dan to "hug someone in the house for 10 seconds". Ohhhh! That's so retarded. (No offense to Angie's brother who probably does that all the time anyways.)
12 of 13 | Posted by foxbasealpha | Posted on August 5, 2008 12:59 PM
Yay, Jessie failed and cried, ha ha!!!!!
13 of 13 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on August 5, 2008 1:54 PM