The show began with Julie Chen waiting for us by the Big Brother faux-garden. And such a summertime pleasure she is. Tonight, Julie came to us wrapped up in what J-Unit affectionately called the "Aztec scoop trapezoid cut-out top." Now, I didn't really understand the Aztec reference, but I liked the sound of it so I'm saying it (J-Unit said it was like one of those Aztec pyramids had been turned upside down and, well, never mind). Basically, it was some bizarre hybrid of a black leotard top and a sweater. I think. As you can see, it kind of baffled my sartorial vocabulary. Truthfully, there are two things that constantly and eternally blow my mind: the universe and Julie Chen's wardrobe.

As for the pants, well, the Camel Toe Alert was raised from orange to red as we thought we'd surely see the beast. It wasn't a question of if, but when. Alas, Julie's white pants seemed to wash out all details in their radiance, thus leaving us empty handed and, well, a bit sad.

Julie teases us with a glimpse of camel toe. Such a cruel robot.

Anyway, with a spring in her step like she'd just returned from the best Robo-Jazzercise ever, the Chenbot pranced over to her couch to introduce us to this week's nominees. We then caught our first glimpse of Kaysar, who was looking quite dapper and freshly showered -- a means to battle his burgeoning KaysarFro, no doubt. Usually Julie greets the houseguests at this time, but there was a lot on her plate this night. After all, we learned that this would be a double-eviction week. For the first time ever, the HOH would be nominating two house guests for elimination by the end of the hour. Wow. I could already imagine the inevitable Chen malfunctions (we gotta come up with a good word for that. Chenfunctions? Malfunchens? Chenbotches? Hmm. I like that last one).