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CBS touted last night's episode of Big Brother as one whole week of reality crammed into a single hour. I guess that's about right since the show proved to be as exciting and frustrating as any given week this season. Plus, for added fun, CBS decided to spice things up by throwing in a dash of Holly from Big Brother 5. Possibly the only thing more grating would have been if she and Beau had bayed at the moon like some unholy deleted scene from 101 Dalmatians. Thankfully, they didn't. But that didn't stop me from capturing a precious (READ: grating) sound clip of our dearest Holly (as well as a golden one of April sobbing). All the goodies plus the recap after jump...
The episode began with the always-welcomed surprise of the Saturday Chenbot. Departing from the cha-cha-cha stylings of her tassel-clad, nouveau-matador garb of two nights ago, Julie came to us all simple and classy with a modest black shirt and white pants combo. I momentarily thought she might give us a tour of the MOMA, maybe dissect the works of Cézanne and Pissarro, and then finish up with a bottle of wine and an engaging discussion about Joan Didion. But alas, my brie-filled fantasies were short-lived as the Chenbot simply drew us into her studio and reminded us that tonight was an eviction episode. And yes, the camel toe was back.
Julie started things off with a bang as she just barely cleared the night's first alliterative hurdle. With a mild slur in her voice, she successfully read, "Beau, the personal shopper from Pembroke Pines." Wow. That's a lot of "b" and "p" sounds (bilabial plosives, if you will -- yes, I took a linguistics class once). Thank goodness this show was taped. Wouldn't want to have heard the Chenbot's live attempt at alliteration. It's probably would have sounded something like "Beau, the personal shopper from Pembroke plaaaghaaaah." Must we forget last year's inexplicable Chenbot hiccup?
Anyway, after warming our hearts with another "But first!", Julie returned us to the house where we once again relived James's eviction. "In a way, I'm like everyone's hero at this point," gushed April in the Diary Room, adding, "Did I say 'hero?' I meant 'elder.' By about forty-five years."
Yes, April thought she was the savior of the house after being the first HOH to successfully oust James. Of course, in the eyes of America, this week's savior was Howie who for once clocked in a clutch performance during the Head of Household competition. I was still coming down from the high of his victory when CBS re-aired it (but now in blue-and-white "memory vision"). Ah, so wonderful. But why must the anti-Friendship always win for the two-day stints? That's not nearly enough time to broker deals and flaunt power. Oh well. At least Howie's victory would ensure another Friendship hit. "It just means that one of us are going home," explained April. "In my case, that would be Shady Pines Retirement Home. Oh, I do hope Ethel is still alive."
As for Ivette, well, she didn't take the loss too well. This one was hers for the taking, she insisted. After all, she's not only a huge bowling fan, but she even has her very own bowling ball. (Everybody Loves a Spicy Bowling Ball!) But alas, Ivette was left with nothing but bewilderment at her performance: "I'm dumbstruck. I really am." Or at least dumb.
Of course, in typical fashion, Ivette moved from dumbstruck to whiny victim as she cried to her friends, "Why can't I get blessed? Why can't I get the strength these people continue to have?" Good question. Maybe because you're dumb? You're uncoordinated? God hates you? Oooh! Ooooh! I know! Because you keep expecting to be "blessed" by a false sense of deservedness! That's why.
Ivette then turned her wrath on Janelle as she skewered her nemesis in the Diary Room: "She's got the worst soul I've ever seen in a human being." Uhhhh, based on what? The fact that she's prettier than you? The fact that she's smarter than you? The fact that she's more liked by America than you? But I shouldn't make fun. Ivette's hated Janelle since the first moment she met her, and honestly, if there's anyone who knows about having a good soul, it's someone who makes flash judgments based on little to no information.
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Comments (30)
"Or fifty-seven, assuming you're using base-ten, not base-IDIOT."
Priceless. Kudos after I wipe the gatorade (tm) off my monitor.
1 of 30 | Posted by Billyboy | Posted on September 4, 2005 8:58 PM
This season is gonna be a repeat of Season 4.
Two people at the end, who no one likes and no one in North America wants to see win.
2 of 30 | Posted by Jay | Posted on September 4, 2005 8:58 PM
Great recap B-Side! I was watching the show with my friend Will and I think his exact words, upon learning the nature of the CBS news special report on the death of the Chief Justice was: "He'll still be dead in another 1/2 hour, can't they wait? We need to see who wins the POV!!!" I told him he was going to burn in hell and we continued to enjoy the show. Great show and great recap.
3 of 30 | Posted by graceintherace | Posted on September 4, 2005 9:11 PM
"Or fifty-seven, assuming you're using base-ten, not base-IDIOT."
You're the best person ever.
You should have included a sound clip of our favourite Chenbot saying, "buttocks" on the sixth (I believe) question in the HoH Competition.
4 of 30 | Posted by Mark | Posted on September 4, 2005 9:47 PM
WTF!?! My ears are STILL bleeding from listening to Holly! I'd like to know what the Hell we all did to deserve that, CBS!
On April blubbering to Maggie: You know Maggie had her head in her hands most of the time to hide a)how annoyed she was, and b)that she was desperately trying to figure out how she could get away with screwing April over while still appearing to be the most righteous and morally superior martyr in all of BB history.
You have to give it to her though. The sheep actually felt SORRY for HER after the veto ceremony! That was some serious, Grade A, mindfucking going on there.
5 of 30 | Posted by accountinator | Posted on September 4, 2005 9:59 PM
the three-way tie went to a two-way tie between janelle and maggie. the question was one of those chalk board deals about the number of keys in the mud.
6 of 30 | Posted by mattie | Posted on September 4, 2005 10:17 PM
My big question... Who cares anymore? This show needs to END and get on with Fall Programming. *yawn*
Btw, great recaps, B-side and J-Unit!!! I don't watch the show anymore but I keep reading the recaps and comments out of habit.
I doubt I will watch next year. Even with the TVGasm hype, this show has been a major snooze fest.
7 of 30 | Posted by realitys'slut | Posted on September 4, 2005 10:24 PM
Thanks for the shout out Grace. Ahhh, seeing April break down in the DR reminded me of even happier times when Ivette was crumpled on the HOH floor last week. My Janie let me down....but I still have faith. The force be with you!!
8 of 30 | Posted by willintherace | Posted on September 4, 2005 11:28 PM
I am increasingly concerned that the stupid Ivette-pawn" will make it to the 8th row on the Big Brother conceptual chess board and get promoted to a queen (ie win the whole game). She's already guaranteed James and Beau to vote for her if she gets to the final two. Take the bitch out!
I guess only a miracle can prevent Howie or Janelle from leaving this week.
And Beau had the shortest chenterrogation in Big Brother history - maybe the producers were worried that Beau's inarticulateness would cause The Chenbot mainframe device (which I imagine as being like an early 1960s computer - ie as big as a room with cogs, banks of flashing lights, dials and steam coming out of tubes) to irretrievably melt-down.
9 of 30 | Posted by Lubin Odana | Posted on September 5, 2005 2:37 AM
Ivette and April both took themselves out of the veto at the end, didn't they? They knew Janelle wouldn't change anything and both thought they knew what Maggie would do. Ivette said earlier that she wouldn't use the veto on herself if she won, but wanted Maggie to take her off.
Thanks for the audio of April boohoo-ing. That makes me laugh so hard. Every time.
10 of 30 | Posted by Michael | Posted on September 5, 2005 6:21 AM
"The two of them, with Beau, go down as the Holy Trinity of people we'd most like to throw into a volcano."
Fuckin'-A. Everything about Ivette is like fingernails scraping down a chalkboard. God, I wish I could be there when she finds out how hated she is. And Maggie, with the whole 'morals' speech? Oh, please. And then, of course, she had to follow up that little bit of self-righteousness by throwing the HOH comp to Ivette, whose couch-biting moment was only barely less infuriating than Holly referring to her hands as 'paws.'. The only thing that makes me sicker than the thought of Janelle leaving the house next week is the possibility that Ivette might be the one to send her packing.
11 of 30 | Posted by jack | Posted on September 5, 2005 7:54 AM
Things I am not looking forward to:
Ivette going on and on about how she finally triumphed over "evil".
Maggie winning the whole competition and acting all holier than thou but saying she couldn't have done it without the friendship.
They seriously pain me to think about. All we needed was at least one more week and the numbers would be even. The comp. wasn't even fair, all those questions were about friendship people. Although it looked like Janey was cheating.
12 of 30 | Posted by Shelley | Posted on September 5, 2005 7:55 AM
Holly is the most ridiculous contestant in BB history. And that's saying something. Why would CBS inflict her on us again??
13 of 30 | Posted by Lene | Posted on September 5, 2005 8:45 AM
B-Side -- great recap! Loved it loved it loved it!!!
So many comments to make ... can only type so fast ...
Maggie = sanctimonious hypocrit w/expanding butt (personally, I think the question about her weight came from Cappy. He's just delusional enough to think she's shrinking .. or maybe it's b/c she hasn't been riding him recently)
Ivette = soulless idiot who DESEPARATELY needs to expand her vocabulary. Seriously. My 5 year old has a more expansive vocabulary than Ivette does. And it's so very sad that she to is so sanctimonious. Maybe that is the tie that binds the FiendSheep together...they all recognized their own horrible character traits in one another and bonded over them.
Bo = wallpaper paste. You know it's there, you know it served a purpose, you just aren't sure why it was necessary in the first place.
April = Crypt Keeper. Lobotomy patient. Escapee of Shady Pines (great reference point dude!!)
Howie = frat boy. Harmless. Stupid. Fun. Harmless.
Janelle = every HG's fantasy girl. That's why Ivette is so rancid towards her -- Iv wants Janey in the worst way and it's never gonna happen so Iv has gone on the automatic defense and can only say mean spirited nasty comments to placate herself since she knows she'll never have Janey. And PS have you seen the pics of Iv's girlfriend? She looks like Screetch.
Holly = a reason to be thankful to have NOT been in the house last summer. Man what purpose did she serve? To let this years' HG's grateful for one another since they weren't stuck w/someone that sounded like this twit?!
14 of 30 | Posted by floopeygirl | Posted on September 5, 2005 10:12 AM
I think one of the best parts of the show was the way Janey kept looking at Holly during the POV. I don't know if it was determination or if it was what she might have been thinking: "What the hell is wrong with you? Did someone just blow you up and hand you a microphone?" Janelle never smiled once during the competition.
15 of 30 | Posted by Tammy Ames | Posted on September 5, 2005 10:57 AM
Maybe CBS used Holly as a retaliation against us for overloading there servers with votes for Kayser and Janey.
16 of 30 | Posted by HandyRefuse | Posted on September 5, 2005 11:20 AM
I can't do this anymore, seriously-It's fucking with my head... I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM!!!!!
17 of 30 | Posted by amygirl | Posted on September 5, 2005 11:31 AM
I had to laugh last Saturday. . . my little sis (only 13) commented re: Julie Chen "God! She can't even talk! And she moves like a frikkin' robot!"
18 of 30 | Posted by EROSion | Posted on September 5, 2005 4:57 PM
I'm holding on to a ridiculous semblance of hope that the mircle will happen else I'm done. I even worked out ridiculously complicated sceanrios in which Janey could somehow be saved but I think I'm hitting a brick wall. What am I doing spending time actually thinking about this!?! Reality TV stole my brain but TVgasm helps restore it with wit and cynicsm-phew.
19 of 30 | Posted by zia | Posted on September 5, 2005 5:06 PM
Could Maggie be any more self righteous with her morals speech? Sick-making. IMO, Maggot threw the HOH to let Ivette do some of her dirty work, leaving her looking squeaky morally clean.
When Howie won HOH, my faith had been restored. Now with this terrible soul Ivette as HOH, I have lost all hope again. And the possibility that this skank could end up winning it all- oh the horror!
20 of 30 | Posted by Maggot Full of Morality | Posted on September 5, 2005 5:13 PM
Beau talking about sword fighting in the dark: classic!
Janelle not letting Maggie talk to Howie alone: great thinking!
Holly and her voice: just grate.
ha!
P.S. So now it comes out from some sources that 'everyone' knew that N.O. would eventually get flooded. It was just a matter of time. And no one did any about it. Or even enough about it. So what kind of disaster recovery does L.A. have? Hope they are not relying on Charlton Heston; he was really young when he made that movie - now he's closer to Mose's age. And will Janelle be safer in 'whine' country? :)
21 of 30 | Posted by ha! | Posted on September 5, 2005 5:17 PM
(Sniff) Good bye, Janey! It's got to happen this week. No way Ivette doesn't get her way. So, that'll put Howie in the unenviable position of dealing with the three witches of BB. Well, at least it'll be only for one week. Let's see: who'll get put up with him, though? Ivette? That should make for some great comments after Howie's gone and the Cuban ass ( I can say that, I'm Cuban and can't stand the c**t.) realizes that Maggie and April don't want her 'round no mo'. That will be the best week, watching her bleat and piss and moan how the two of them just don't understand what sacrifices she made, how many candles she lit at Cappy's altar.
Damn. Just realized that, in a way, Cappy will win by seeing his ER buddy win. Aw, shit, just ruined my week!
This may be my last post this season, as there's no way I'm watching 24 again. Enough hard perimeters and stupid secret anti terrorist groups who couldn't spot Osama if he were rooming with them.
Been watching an outstanding show, B & J, how about jumping on the "Rescue Me" bandwagon? Outstanding show with a fairly unknown cast. Denis Leary has rescued his career in grand style.
One last time (I think). B-Side and J-unit, you have been outstanding. I hope you'll continue your labor of love. I can honestly tell you I would have passed on BB6 were it not for your posts.
22 of 30 | Posted by Tony A. | Posted on September 6, 2005 4:28 AM
JEsus give me the strength to live through a week of Ivette on a power trip. Shes probably copnvinced she "earned" it too.
Someone needs to tell Holly that Bangs are so 2002. That and being severely mentally retarded.
23 of 30 | Posted by EdHill | Posted on September 6, 2005 7:15 AM
How 'bout the freakin' bear suit/shawl that April had wrapped around her for the veto ceremony? Did she accidentally drag a bathmat out after praying at her porcelain altar?!?
Watching April's braying gave me such unabashed glee that it all but secured my nice, hot, toasty seat in hell.
Tony A. (#22)...stick around. I enjoy your comments immensely. I'm right with you on the "Rescue Me" bandwagon. The problem, however, is that "Rescue Me" is so well-crafted that a snarky recap would almost be redundant. Believe me, I've thought about that too.
24 of 30 | Posted by HicksPub | Posted on September 6, 2005 7:21 AM
On Reality Blurred from
April "Oh yeah,on behalf of “The Friendship� I need to apologize to America for a return on their present (Kaysar), we could tell this week when Janelle won America’s Choice (phone call from Michael) that America wasn’t happy with us. The only reason for Kaysar going home was for strategy, we loved him.�
When I read the headline
"apologize to America",I thought she was feeing bad for calling America "shit"
but I should have known better.
I agree that Moral Maggie threw the comp so she wouldn't have to do any dirty work and can slide into a win with clean hands and a clean conscience.
25 of 30 | Posted by chris | Posted on September 6, 2005 7:47 AM
The surprise appearance of Holly shocked my Tivo into deleting all past and future recordings of BB6.
26 of 30 | Posted by America's Next Top Fan | Posted on September 6, 2005 9:10 AM
Maggie is the purest of evil, the type of evil that smiles at you, then slits your throat. I hate her.
April is a tragic mess and I enjoy seeing her cry and wimper, much like Pepperoni.
Janelle should slap Yvette across the face, just for fun.
I suspect Janelle will be gone this week, unless she wins the veto. I'm so sad!
I'm glad that squealing queen was kicked out. I cannot believe what a waste of a houseguest he was, he had nothing coherent to say, had no point of view, or any input to the show. I suspect he slept with a much older casting director.
27 of 30 | Posted by katieshole | Posted on September 6, 2005 9:43 AM
I love listening to Chenbot trying to say "houseguests". All those s's trip her sinuses up and the nosejob can't handle it.
28 of 30 | Posted by Jess | Posted on September 6, 2005 9:47 AM
The Rehnquist newsbreak came on during the veto comp in central time, which is the same feed as East Coast. Does that mean they re-played a recorded newsbreak as breaking news during the West Coast feed? Weird. We too were spared more Holly screeching. Could this have been a gift from Rehnquist to America?
29 of 30 | Posted by bob | Posted on September 6, 2005 3:57 PM
awwwwe, why was my old hag Bwusto cwying???? I thought that she didn't CAYYYYY_URRRRR about the money. What really sucks about that is that she will win it and bury it in a hole so wittle pwepperoni can dig it up and crap on it. Oh and Jennifwhore would take a piece of it to buy some whore toys.
30 of 30 | Posted by J-Blow | Posted on September 6, 2005 5:37 PM