Recap: Big Brother: Jen Tried To Kiss Me

Ambercrieslkhg

Previously on Big Brother, Jen WAAAAHed about her fugly picture on the wall of shame, the hot guy was covered in butter, and Kail proved that you don't have to be able to properly speak the English language to run half a town.

Tonight, Jen's a dumbass, Amber gets dissed by God, and Daniele pigs out. That last one's a lie, but a boy can dream. Come on, sweetie. You're scarin' me.

Let's do this!

We pick up where we left off Sunday. Kail tells Amber and Carol they're on the chopping block, and there is a long moment of silence while Amber tries to evict the flies that took up residence in her mouth because she left it hanging open so long. Why meeeeee???

Kail tells us that she was totally fair and no one can accuse her of being mean or vindictive. Fine. But we can accuse you of trying to induce seizures with your hideous horizontally striped vest.

Hideouszipup
Ow! My eyes!

Who even sells clothing like this? She is pretty confident that she got off "scotch free" with her nominations. "Is that right? Scotch free?" You should seriously consider home schooling those brats of yours. Lesson one: When you need to make a point, just string some random words together Lesson two: Don't be gay.

The nomination news slides off Carol's back, but Amber doesn't take it so well. Once her jaw starts working again, she cries to the cameras (some more) about how she would never betray a fellow mom!! Whatever, lady. You popped out a baby. Congratufuckinglations. Your prize is stretch marks, now shut it.

Wow. No one can comfort this girl. She is a sobbing mess. Looking on the bright side, she tells us that God put her on the block (WTF?!) as a gift to prepare her for long term things. Like obscurity. I am so sure God's in Heaven wasting his Summer away watching Big Brother right now. Of course if he was, it would explain a hell of a lot.

George-Bush-Leads-The-Us-Towar

Zach, who I don't think has said one word in five days except "OK", explains to us that it was his alliance with Kail that put Carol and Amber on the block, and this is the best "applicable decision". Huh? No wonder they don't let him speak. I can't wait til he has a long convo with Kail. I love a good word puzzle.

Carol has her feet up or her legs crossed Indian style every time she talks about being nominated like she doesn't really care, but Jessica isn't buying it. She's fronting, it's a front, and front front. Who taught her that word? Jessica's voice is so nasal and stupid that I have to turn the volume down a little every time she speaks, but I also have to rewind because I am laughing so hard. Kinda loving her dumb ass.

Deciding that she better do something soon or her butt will be tossed, Carol looks around for the dimmest guy in the house. It's got to be one of the muscle heads, because if she can sway one of those boners, the rest will follow. Lunkheads of a feather...or as Carol herself puts it, "They all have a niche." What? This season is going to spawn a language of it's own.

She finally chooses to go to Zach for advice. She tells him she doesn't want to be mean to anyone and she feels sad and alone. He gives her some tough love. "What? You don't think I've been sad and alone, too?" She tells him he doesn't have to be. EWWWW!!!! She promises to fight, and he promises to help her as long as she doesn't act like a wuss. Then they do it. Hard.

Just when I thought it was safe to stop screaming LALALALALALA and uncovered my eyes, the image of Leaky Dick, Dirty Dick, and Republican Dick was waiting for me on my screen.

3Dicks
The Three Dicks

Why is Big Brother trying to make me poke out my eyes? WHY? Schoonie, tell me you're not wishing Joe had on a pair of jorts right now.

Dirty Dick tells Republican Dick about taking his son to a strip club in Vegas for his birthday and handing him all the vices he'll be fighting for the rest of his life: strippers, booze, and gambling. Lucky kid. I got binge eating, internet gambling and showtunes. Dirty thinks Daniele hates him because they are so much alike. Riiiight. You're like twins. Kail is touched. Never. Eating. Again. I almost take a baseball bat to my TV and then this happens.

Nickissodamnfine
Ahhhhh. Much better now.

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Comments (26)

GIFFORDSAZ [TypeKey Profile Page]:

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

::I have never had blood rush to my penis and then back out so rapidly.::

BB is messing with your organs now, you have to be careful because you pretty much need that thing for the rest of your life and if they keep showing pictures of Joehap (as in mishap)in a speedo you might just lose the blood from EVER returning to your prized member.......

your recap was soo funny and the crotch shot of Amber grossed me out and made me think of childbirth all over again.... but in all seriousness I think CBS is going to owe me some sort of punitive damages by the end of the season.....

Is it possible for Remuda Ranch to set up shop there as rehab for Danielle... I think as her father I would be shoving PB&J sammies down her throat just in hopes something would stick to a rib....

And can I ask you flipit to explain levels of gayness.... because Dustin is pretty cool, well except that he went there with Joe) in my book but Joe, who is a 'receptionist' in a childs hair salon, wears the most comical, (George Micheal was correct) clothes EVER purchased from Goodwill..... screams repeatedly about STD's, which I do beleive have effected his brain..... is there a chart that he would map on.... he seriously has to be off chart....... and Dustin better be more embarassed about EVER dated Joe thAn having and STD... i think I would rather have an STD than date Joe..... how do you even lick a nipple like that???

I am soooo glad Dani did not use the POV..... the jenuis has to entertain us more before her run is done... how else are we going to know how special she is???

And can I just say this one time, or maybe you will hear it ever other day, I think they have cast the stupidest people EVER to be in the BB house at the same time... i just know they gave them an IQ tests and then ran the short bus around picking up there dumb asses at the airport and delivered them right there with Katie Couric at the CBS studios.

great work tonight btw..... now get some rest xoxox


Merick [TypeKey Profile Page]:

The slop was jenius place to hide a veto.

I like the America's Player thing. How nutty was that story? And now we get to vote as to who gets eliminated, what more do you want?

JasonR [TypeKey Profile Page]:

Flipit, fantastic recap. So many great lines I can't even begin to list them.

So many classic moments from this ep.

Amber laying in bed praying to win the veto challenge - reminded me of Madonna in "Like a Prayer". Do people who pray really bother God with the trivialities of everyday life? "Please God, hold that subway train for me!"??

I think Jen wants to start a clothing line for girls named Jen who aspire to be the most annoying person in the room.

Dumb people are funny. Oh, thank you BB8 casting!

It's looking like Jameka is emerging as the coolest person in the house and her low key style is going to take her far.

slutty_whore [TypeKey Profile Page]:

What I didn't understand is why no one hid their veto in the toilet bowl? Who would want to fish it out of there? LOL.

TheEmancipationofGigi [TypeKey Profile Page]:

This season has been pretty fun so far, and the Showtime BBAD is awesome! I highly recommend it. My favorite part is that the editors immediately and blantantly switch cameras if Joe speaks for more than 5 seconds!

Flip-it, I love that the BB reviews are really bringing out the gay in you...Nick is really hot and I too experienced the same rise and fall during his shirtless scene.

My favorites so far: Dirty (he's actually really cool in the BBAD), Dani, Dustin and Jameka. Amber is actually not that bad too...

Joe, Jen and Kail suck...

Foxbase Alpha [TypeKey Profile Page]:

Other T-shirt suggestions for Jen:

JENBOT

UNPHOTOJENIC

JENITAL WARTS

DEJENERATE

JENETIC MUTATION

JENORMOUS BOOBS


Does anyone have any other good ones?

BlueEyedAngel [TypeKey Profile Page]:

It's a good thing I wasn't drinking anything at the time I read your recap, Flipit, or my computer monitor would have been completely ruined after reading "I have never had blood rush to my penis and then back out so rapidly" Even though I lack that organ, I felt about the same when I saw that too. Although for me, the urge to vomit was there too.

Also, thank you for helping those of us who are new to the BB arena. I'm still trying to figure out why the games seem to be created by people who are on drugs, but I'm starting to enjoy it.

Oh, and can anyone get Danielle a cheeseburger or 20? The first time I saw her I was instantly reminded of Skelator. Ewwwww. Who would wanna sleep with that? Wouldn't she break?

photochild [TypeKey Profile Page]:

LOVING it Flip (and you too...). I won't go on too much on here, just wanted to say you are like a mind reader...you write about all the things I hoped you would.

This cast is a bunch of morons, but I'm loving it!

Shollia [TypeKey Profile Page]:

LOL Great recap!!
The episodes are so much more interesting than the feeds.
I hope these people liven up some.

Anywho!

The part with Jen saying she got kissed.

Joe was in the kitchen with her. And as soon as she said he, he started off to the bedroom where Nick was at eating.
Jen asked Joe if he was going to go tell and he said no.
Well duh, of course he lied and went straight to Nick who got UBER PO'd b/c it didn't happen.
So he goes into the kitchen to confront Jen about it.
He gets really angry b/c he says it never happened and even asks her when this supposed dissed-kiss happened.
She can't answer him and just says it did happen (in her own psycho mind).
Everyone else is just looking on awkwardly, but they all know Jen totally made it up and just got busted.

jasminetheawesome [TypeKey Profile Page]:

The whole praying out loud thing was ridiculous. I've really grown to hate Amber, her mouth, and the things that come out of it. Jameka's weave speech was awesome. I too rock the occasional extention. Can't wait to see if we truly control Eric vote, and if so, how is that going to work if he joins an alliance?

timwakefield [TypeKey Profile Page]:

Practice Good Jenmanship!!!
LOL

Go Jameeka!

Did anyone else hear Nick say "I'm not skipping to my loo" to Jenius? What a dork.

Drewben [TypeKey Profile Page]:

thank GOD Daniele didn't use the POV. I need Jen around for AT LEAST a few more weeks so we can see some more of those JENEROUSLY humorous t-shirts. Honestly, Alison Grodner? You win! I'm yours for the summer!!!

The whole Nick cuddling with Joe thing is too much for my eyes -- and so subversively put into our subconscious...I have to say -- It's another SUMMER OF SECRETS on BB!!!!!!

Excellent recap, Flipit!!!!

Flipit [TypeKey Profile Page]:

hahahahaa you guys! thanks for clearing up my confusion, shollia. the show cut off here for some reason. bastards.

and foxbase, i am still laughing at those jens. jenital warts is my FAVORITE EVER.

love

may1 [TypeKey Profile Page]:

What a great recap, flipit. BB really found the biggest losers to fill that house. Kail is so horrible and it's a tie between her and Jessica for the worst voices on tv.
The high point each episode has to be the music. The editor's are totally fucking with us, finding the best music to fit the scene. Loving it.

schoonie [TypeKey Profile Page]:

I'm pretty partial to 'Practice Good Jenmanship' too. That's awesome, I'm not going to lie.

Lime23 [TypeKey Profile Page]:

Awesome, awesome recap, Flipit!

I'm really trying to make myself interested in this show (so I can have 2 shows to watch), and your recaps will help immensely.

Re: the cast -- You must be in gay hog heaven! Every boy in there (except possibly Eric?) is gay, bi- or, at the very least, bi-curious. Combine that with all of the women, who (except Jenius -- for whom I have no words) are God-fearing holy rollers, who feel certain that God has spoken directly to her in who He selected to play veto and/or spin on a mushroom, and, well -- someone in the casting department has a bizarre sense of humor. This could be awesome.

Overall, I agree with all of your reactions, except no more ragging on Dustin! He (currently) is my favorite. (Note to Gifford: Dustin apparently announced on the feeds that when they were together (I know, I know) he never touched the Nipples, or even "acknowledged their existence." LOL)

Lime23 [TypeKey Profile Page]:

Apologies -- I don't know how to delete my last comment -- & I just read the recap for the previous episode, and Schoonie's comment about no references to anything at all from the feeds -- sorry, sorry -- I promise not to comment on this show anymore, since I'm inevitably going to be "spoiled")

schoonie [TypeKey Profile Page]:

Sorry, I should clarify that last post from the other recap: little stupid things like quotes and such are fine (I think I may even have put one in my last recap), but don't talk about any major events, the outcome of any competitions (including who is on slop), or anything that you think might remotely be on the show, but a little something like that on the side is okay. Just don't post your thoughts on the feeds here in the comments or make it the main gist of the discussion is all.

nerrawllehctim [TypeKey Profile Page]:

FLIPIT, VERY GOOD JENTERTAINMENT.

kvc [TypeKey Profile Page]:

I SO think Daniele needs to be called Skeletor -- I've been saying the same thing since episode one.

Jen and Jessica are absolutely fabulous. I hope they end up the final two - imagine! What would Jen do without any men around to try to impress (make more shirts?)? Maybe they could be BFF!

lickitysplit [TypeKey Profile Page]:

I hope Jen and her shirts stay around for a long time. Her brand of crazy is what BB is all about.

Kail is on my last nerve. I can't wait until she has a meltdown because she has to backstab someone.

lickitysplit [TypeKey Profile Page]:

I hope Jen and her shirts stay around for a long time. Her brand of crazy is what BB is all about.

Kail is on my last nerve. I can't wait until she has a meltdown because she has to backstab someone.

jasminetheawesome [TypeKey Profile Page]:

I've got one! JENitalia!

dmbislove [TypeKey Profile Page]:

Personally I like Unphotojenic since she had such a freak out over her pictures.

This season is pretty good so far, but I have to agree the America's Choice spin is a little lame, at least so far. They need to come up with more interesting things for us to vote on. It was funny however when he brought up Daniele in his made up story when he was talking about an anorexic ex. That made me laugh pretty hard.

I don't find Nick to be all that hot, at least not as much as everyone else seems to. The hair just reminds me of all of the guys on that mtv show Two A Days.

sparky [TypeKey Profile Page]:

Nobody has pointed out that Nick was wearing pink nail polish for the whole episode. WHY did we not get to see when that happened?

TVEyes [TypeKey Profile Page]:

Loved the recap, Flipit! Great names, Alpha Fox.

Here's my add-ons:

Jentally Ill

Jenstipated

Jeneralissimo

Transjender

And she will eventually cause everyone to commit
Jenocide

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