Half The Man He Used To Be. - 
by copygodd
To start off tonight's live two-hour finale, the announcer gives us a brief recap of the season: "Nine months ago, 14 people arrived at this ranch with one common goal: to lose weight and change their lives forever." Okay, not to get picky in the first graph, but that's two goals. Oh, who am I kidding. Of course I'm going to get picky in the first graph. That's what B-Side and J-Unit pay me to do, isn't it?
*Crickets*
More from the announcer: "Doctors, police officers, single mothers, men and women all came together to see who could lose the most weight. And see who could become The Biggest Loser." A third goal?! I'm calling Shenanigans on the announcer.
On the bright side, it's just two minutes in, and we've already seen footage of Matt crying three times. Why do I get the feeling this is going to be tearier than Rose and Bernard's reunion last week? Oh yeah, because it's Matt.
At stake tonight? $250,000 to the person who's lost the highest percentage of weight. And the proud title of Biggest Loser. Let's meet our three finalists: Matt, a former collegiate wrestling star who believed his best days were behind him. Suzy, a hairdresser who spent her whole life squeaking believing she was a thin girl trapped in an overweight body. And Seth, a father who put his family first and watched his health fall by the wayside. Wait a minute. Seth put his family's needs before his own? That bastard! Not only do we learn Seth is a selfish Sally, he's also captain of the obvious: "I can't focus 100% on family, 100% on schooling and 100% on fitness."
Of course, the final three aren't the only ones weighing in tonight. All of the evicted contestants are also coming back for a chance to win $100,000. And one last gander at Dr. Jeff's vaginankle.
Now that the announcer's finally done yapping, it's time to meet our hostesses for the evening: Caroline Rhea and her twins. Holy crap! Who did her hair tonight, RuPaul? Caroline has never looked more like a famous muppet than she does at this very moment. And what's with that lame entrance? No jumping out of a plane, no hacking through a jungle, heck not even a motorcycle ride. Speaking of which, can you imagine how much more fun this show would've been had Probst been the host? "Step it up Losers! Your fat asses are on the line!"
Moi?
Before bringing out the contestants, Caroline reminds us that "tonight is about losing weight the old school way: through diet and exercise only." And here I thought the old school way was leeches. Damn my gypsy grandmother and her carny ways!
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