Speaking of which, B-Side and J-Unit have presented me a challenge I believe to be every bit as big as that facing the show's contestants: recapping each episode without relying solely on fat jokes. Of course, as the contestants agreed to be on a reality show where the only requirement is being fat, the occasional fat joke will have to be made. To do less, I feel, would be an insult to the free-speech ideals put forth by our Founding Fathers. (BTW, I've heard this was one of Jefferson's favorites: "Knock-knock. Who's there? The King. The King who? The King is a fatty-fat-fat-fat." Eh, I guess patriotic humor is an acquired taste.)

For those who missed the first season, here's a quick rundown of how the show works. The contestants are divided into two teams, Red and Blue, each led by a professional trainer: Jillian the sadist and Bob the Zen master. Every week, the team that loses the biggest percentage of weight wins; the losing team then has to vote off one of their members. Personally, I think it'd make for better TV if they were forced to eat one of their own members, but that would be counter-productive. Eventually, the two teams will merge, at which point it's big-dog-eat-bigger-dog-eat-biggest-dog-who's-unable-to-move-because-his-tummy-drags-the-ground. At the end of the season, the person who's lost the biggest percentage of weight is crowned the changer of lives. The inspirer of nations. In short, the Biggest Loser.

After an inspirational intro montage, in which we learn over 150,000 people applied to be publicly mocked on the TVgasm website, we get our first glance at the show's opening credits. Each contestant is shown in an inspirational pose straight out of a Karate Kid montage, with their name written on a small animated scale. (Nice touch by the show's graphics department.) Playing under the intro is an inspirational song straight out of the inspirational montage of any '80s movie. The only thing missing is the scene where one person in the crowd begins to clap, and soon everyone is cheering the hero. The chorus is something like "What have you done today to make you feel proud...". It was almost inspirational enough to make me feel guilty about my answer: make fun of fat people. Almost.

Next, we get our first look at this season's contestants. I haven't seen this many FUPAs, gunts, bitch-tits and front-butts crowding my TV screen since, well, any audience pan at a taping of Springer. Except unlike the typical Springer viewer, these people have gathered for more than a chance to call a complete stranger a whore on national TV. They've gathered for -- say it with me -- a chance to change lives. A chance to inspire a nation. A chance to become the Biggest Loser.