The beginning of the finale presented us with a season recap via a montage. Montage, fuck yeah! I will now give you the montage via a poem because poems are almost as fun as montages.

50 overweight Americans show their pain, their gain, their fears, their tears, their smiles, their trials, their strengths, their bodies running long lengths, their change in food, their change in mood, working out as their trainers shout, the long journey it took to get their present-day look by starting with flab but ending as fab. Ahhhh, if only losing weight was as easy and as fast as a one minute montage.

So what else did we see in the first hour?

Throughout the first hour, we are teased with little clips of the four remaining contestants. We, and by we I mean I, cry through their exciting homecomings, but I worry about them keeping up their success. Erik tells us of the distractions at home. I think he means temptations. Erik works in a deli and food staring you in the face might be a “distraction.” He might want to consider a career move. Maybe he should consider being a chief fitness officer. I hear 24 Hour Fitness is looking for someone. I worry for Kai because she’s a party girl. She is definitely someone i’d like to go shot for shot with. She regretted drinking the morning after a crazy night, but that regret probably went away after she booted and realized that puking could take place of exercising. I’m just kidding- bulimia is a serious subject.

Hour One also gave us two big winners... or rather two big losers. New Jersey’s Poppi won 50,000 dollars and lost 20 sizes. You go girl! And go she did when Maine engulfed her in his arms and picked Little Poppi up in the air. I guess he thought that she really is a little Poppi doll.

The 100,000 dollar winner was Brian from California who lost 156 pounds, going from 308 lbs. to 152 lbs. He lost more than what he currently weighs, but less than Caroline Rhea’s current weight. This was especially apparent when she engulfed him in her arms. I must say that I was tad bit disappointed when Caroline didn’t pick him up in the air. And by the way, since we are on the subject of the host, I have to say that Caroline’s stylist needs to get fired asap. Who would put her in such a form-fitting outfit knowing that she would be standing next to contestants of a weight-loss competition. And to make matters worse, it’s the finale so of course they’re going to look their best.

Ok, back to competition. Oh and what do you know, we have entered the second hour.

Hour Two brings us back to the final four: Wylie, Kai, Erik, and Heather. Holy Shit! I guess Jello does make these contestants jiggle- for 250,000 dollars that is. I told you that’s it’s all about the money. But seriously, they look amazing. They each look like a different person. The audience would agree, judging by their reaction. Everyone was in awe of each other on stage, including Caroline Rhea. However, I could sense a little envy on her part.

All that was left was the final weigh-in. Kai started at 262 lbs. and ended at 144 lbs., losing 118 lbs. which was a female record on The Biggest Loser. She is definitely no longer the “fat friend” that she once called herself. It also seems as though she has a bit of an ego now. Remember girl, there’s a difference between cocky and confident. Don’t become the skinny bitch you used to hate.