***This is the first season we've covered this show in a long time :), but it's certainly not the first time you've asked for it! Please welcome CurliSue to fill all your recap bingeing needs!
Welcome readers, to the seventh season of The Biggest Loser! I, Curli Sue, am HONORED to be your guide of the biggest season yet, on the biggest blog, in the biggest internet, comprising the biggest cyberspace. This is just all out B.I.G. Huge, gigantic, mondo, mega, supersized, grand, grandE! I have a behemoth post for the 2 hour premiere after the jump!
Does this sportsbra make me look fat?
OK, back to the big picture (hiyo!). Let me set the scene - I'm currently sitting in a giant elastic sweatsuit, with the contents of my fridge spread out in front of me on my coffee table. Dim the lights, turn on NBC and let's get ready to (watch other people) lose weight! Wait - what's this? It seems my TV has all this static...no...it's only Jillian and Bob doing a scare tactic intro about how the US is fat and gross and we should quit smoking and take the stairs - or something like that. I didn't really catch it because the sound of my chewing Reses Puffs cereal drowned it out. Well, Jillian finally got to me with those devil eyebrows right when I was attempting to fold and stuff an entire pizza down my throat. Fine, you win - I'll attempt to be healthy during show hours only. Does typing count as exercise?
Does punching skinny people?
Now the omniscient narrator introduces us to the contestants, and by "introduces" I mean the camera pans their stomachs and thighs. To give you a sense of how big this season is - the combined weight of all the players is OVER 3.5 TONS. That is more than a large commercial truck, or a DINOSAUR! Right, I knew you'd relate more to the dino image. Don't let those small T-Rex arms deceive you, let's just say they were "big boned" in the back if you know what I mean.
Not only does this season boast the heaviest cast - it has the oldest couple (63 years young, even though they look 80), the heaviest female contestant, youngest contestant (18), and heaviest contestant EVER. The narrator is stating these facts like they're a good thing...for NBC. Alright, we're not even done with the inspirational song/montage/credits and I'm already crying and emotional eating. I wonder if NBC has this soundtrack, along with a CD of Jillian screaming, because just the sight of her on the cover will send me running to a treadmill.
This season the teams are "couples," BFF's, sisters, cousins, mother/daughter, father/son, mokeys/pigeons (JK!). Here's a brief rundown of the players:
Team Silver (my fav): Carla & Joelle - BBF's with sass! They refer to themselves as "Team Get Glamorous" or "Team G Squared" or "Team Silver Bullet" or my favorite - "Team Black Women with Attitude, Flair, and a Mean Walk in Sportsbras and Spandex."
Team Blue: Filipe & Sione - Cousins, who say that in Tonga, being big is a good thing. I know where I'm going for Spring Break.
Team Orange: David & Daniel - Best friends
Team White: Estella and David - Geriatric Husband and Wife. Here's a diet tip - remove the dentures.
Team Black: Dane & Blaine - Cousins, and yes those are their names.
Team Red: Nicole & Damien - Fiancées who want a new look for their new life. This bride 'aint wearing no Wera Wang-Bryant.
Team Pink: Helen & Shanon - Mother/Daughter, eh they're blonde, that's about it so far.
Team Green: Laura & Tara - BFF's and former models who are doing this to get attention from the boys! That's healthy!
Team Brown: Ron & Mike - Father/Son, they showed a pic of the second son, equally as fat, who's at home. That must've been a rough rock, paper, scissors game.
Team Purple: Cathy & Kristin - Mother/Daughter who look identical thanks ot their middle America "fashion-forward" haircut and highlights. (READ: Posh wouldn't attempt this fuckery.)
Team Yellow: Mandi & Aubrey - Sisters who are doin' it for themselves!
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Comments (9)
How can NBC call it couples when they broke up 9 out of 11?
1 of 9 | Posted by Quean CeCe | Posted on January 9, 2009 9:04 PM
Nice recap! thanks for keeping it short and sweet.
Im really annoyed they claimed there was no elimination but then nearly half the contestants went home.
2 of 9 | Posted by goosegg1001 | Posted on January 10, 2009 12:55 AM
I agree...lots of complaints that it's "couples" without the other half. What good is a ball without a chain?
I appreciated the brevity of the recap. The show tends to drag in a lot of spots while they put in product placement and sappy interviews. Reading this was like TIVOing the show and fast forwarding through the lame parts.
I just don't understand why people want Bob as a trainer. Besides the blatant homosexuality (not that there's anything wrong with that), I just don't see where the motivation would come from for someone that doesn't scare me! I won't work out harder because I like the guy. I'd work harder if I felt they were pushing me, or if I was scared that [she] would open her forehead to unleash hell-fire and demons if I didn't give [her] another pushup. Give me Jillian any day!
3 of 9 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on January 10, 2009 5:19 AM
I like the fact that they sent home half of the partners. I think that one of the reasons these people are here is that they give up on themselves very easily. At least this gives them the added boost of knowing that someone else is depending on them.
I thought that all of the more assertive people stayed at the ranch with the exception of Carla - what's up with that???
Loved the recap - very funny!
4 of 9 | Posted by Mrs J | Posted on January 10, 2009 9:11 AM
First Alison is preggers, that's why she looks a little heavier. She was on Ellen a few weeks ago and was about ready to pop.
I'm not a fan of them sending half of the contestants home. While they do probably give up easily, the whole point of getting on the show is to kickstart their weight loss. Plus it's biggest losers couples. Not happy about them going home!
5 of 9 | Posted by yankeesfan | Posted on January 10, 2009 12:24 PM
Yay! A Biggest Loser Awesome Recap!!!
Favorite line: Jillian's sign saying "I'll just flat out fucking kill you."
hee hee
6 of 9 | Posted by Clair | Posted on January 10, 2009 7:38 PM
Um, this is NOT the first time you've covered Biggest Loser -- the wonderful term "vaginankle" originated from these very pages some seasons past.
But welcome back, I've missed you!
7 of 9 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on January 13, 2009 2:21 AM
ok i am mortified at my mistake!! i changed the opening welcome! duuuhhhh. thanks killbond, you're my hero. and welcome to the family, curli! xo
8 of 9 | Posted by flipit | Posted on January 13, 2009 2:40 AM
That's OK, Flipit, I adore you.
9 of 9 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on January 13, 2009 11:35 AM