Testimonials

Life on the ranch begins! We see the chartered bus roll up (slowly) to the 24 hour fitness gym. There hasn't been this much product placement since Tyra starting selling ad space on her five-head. Why are these contestants so excited to see the gym? Do they not understand that this is where fun, and potentially humans, come to die? Our host, Alison Sweeny, announces that they're about to have their first workout, but there's a catch. (Feign surprise.) The contestants have to workout WITHOUT the trainers. The contestants look at each other, at the equipment, and back at each other. They don't have a fucking clue. And by "no fucking clue," I mean it's as if someone handed you a bomb and said, "Cut one of the wires...I'm not sure which one." Let me give you some highlights of this "workout": there's some light stretching, throwing a ball back and forth, and a lot of sitting.

But wait a minute...the trainers are watching on candid camera! They are not pleased. My favorite reaction had to be when Carla attempts to hold herself up on the parallel bars. Bob's pained expression while whimpering "oh sister, no!" really ads to the scene - as well as the producers' decision to fake shake the camera as she tumbled to the ground. The trainers have had enough and storm into the gym. The contestants respond like they're the Jonas Brothers - they are going apeshit.

The trainers start to talk about what's in store, but suddenly we see Jerry's not feeling too well. A medic comes in, tells him to take some deep breaths, but all of a sudden Jerry collapses! Not like Jane Austen Victorian faint - like full on slumps to the ground. The medic then continues to instruct him to keep breathing and open his eyes. Here's a hint - maybe someone should actually get a REAL doc to take a look at the man who could potentially be dead. Not much use telling a corpse to breathe... The real medical professionals arrive and take Jerry away, but make Estella stay for the weigh-in. I like how Jillian says "This is about life and death." Knowing NBC, they probably drugged Jerry and staged it all to get that one line in.

Here's an actual case of "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up."

OK, we have to forget that an elimination could be due to DEATH, and get back to the game! Bob and Jillian start to pick their teams. Bob picks silver, who in turn pick blue, and so on with red, pink and brown. Jillian does the same: white, black, green, orange and yellow. Uh-oh, purple's left without a team, but wait Alison announces that they get to pick their trainer! Oh the twists and turns! They choose Bob, since they think he's hot. How do these women not see he's gay? How? Even Jerry saw it and he could be in a coma for all we know.

It's now time for the first weigh-in. The walls of the gym part to reveal what looks like a revamped "Who Wants to be a Millionaire: Laos" set. Here are the team totals:

White: 242 (Estella)
Pink: 540
Purple:
Yellow: 512
Red: 650
Green: 579
Blue: 736
Black: 777
Brown: 818
Silver: 688
Orange (last, duh - they can barely walk to the scale): 847

This is what the diet has come to...eating yourself.

When Daniel - the biggest contestant at 454 lbs, gets on the scale and sees his weight - he said "something finally clicked." JUST NOW? Better late than never, I guess.

Next the contestants have their first REAL workout. I love how they intercut between Bob and Jillian - where Bob looks like the best guy ever and then back to Jillian - who looks like exercise Gollum. I love how in her gym they posted quotes of hers on the wall - such as the classic "I will push you until you quit" or "I'll just flat out fucking kill you." Oh no, Laura's starting with the theatrics, wheezing, coughing, whatever. I love Tara (her teammate) and how she gives her tough love - "You're not the only fat chick in the room, cupcake!" I think the word "cupcake" at this point in the game is so telling. But before we can go on, NBC needs to make some money. Bob blabs on about some armband that counts calories taken in and expended. I would've bought one, but the cast of 90210 already beat me to it.

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Posted in Biggest Loser by CurliSue at 4:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)
Last Comment: killbondnow on Jan 13, 2009 11:35 AM.