Greetings, Gasmii! We're back for yet another season of The Biggest Loser! This is my first time watching the series, and I couldn't be more delighted. Already these folks are the biggest thing in my life. Join me as we embark on the two hour premiere!
We open to Jillian Michaels and Bob Harper shouting at us. Jillian asks if we're ready to listen or if we want to get fatter and sicker. I'm opting for the latter this year, so this conversation is awkward. They carry on anyway, explaining that this year's cast is full of people who need a second chance at life.
First we meet Allen, an obese firefighter. He worries he won't be able to haul his fat ass around in the event of an emergency, which seems like something the fire department should be concerned about as well. How is this man passing performance reviews? Surely there's some kind of physical exam required to be a fireman, right? Fortunately there's no fitness test for competitive eating, so his castmate Shay is in luck.
Shay wants to change her life so she can live, but being able to walk would be a pretty good perk too. She and other cast members yammer about their second chances, but the biggest opportunity comes for a returning guest. If you watched last season (which I did not, so this means nothing to me), Daniel's back! He made history as the fattest contestant ever at 454 pounds, and now he's back to finish what he's started! If this means making us laugh, he's well on his way to success.
We're treated to a montage of boo-hooing, and then we're on the cast bus, where I haven't seen this many fat people since I last went to Golden Corral. Everyone claps and cheers for season eight, especially Dina. She's a 28-year-old custodian and she's just so pleased to be in a vehicle that weighs more than her, she can't even find the words. Sean, a youth pastor, tells us he's competing for his kids. He's only 29 but has his third child on the way, so basically his speech just serves to tell us he's Mormon.
Alexandra, a college student, need not be on this show. Girl's totally flawless.
She's been overweight her whole life, which means she shouldn't necessarily be surprised she can't fit behind a desk at school, but surprised she is! This shock didn't stop her from filming it for her audition tape, however. Also surprised by his size is Danny, a former rock star. Luckily he's now a celebrity at the local China Buffet.
Liz, a 49-year-old grandmother, wants to get healthy so she can see her grandchildren grow up. She looks the healthiest out of all the cast, although that's not exactly an accomplishment. Our next contestant is Coach Mo, a grandfather and former athlete. Mo's mind thinks he's still spry, but his body won't let him keep up. His mind is also puzzled when it realizes he's not part of The Next Alzheimer's Star.
Tracey is a homemaker, which is kind of adorable because it's a total TV profession. When do you ever hear that career outside of 80's game shows? Love it! Tracey is a military wife, so she spends most days eating alone. She gained 100 pounds during her first pregnancy, but half of that is just hair.
The bus pulls up to a scenic overlook, and everyone loses their shit accordingly, like they're the kind of people who go out in nature. Host Alison Sweeney greets them and openly cackles as they all disembark the bus. There's so much jiggling, who can blame her! Everyone is totally joyful about being there, but they put their serious faces on when Alison says they need to talk.
She reminds them that not many people get to do this, so they should feel fortunate to be here. They're standing along the path where last season's cast ran a marathon. Those people started off just as unhealthy as these folks, so they're living proof anything is possible! The marathon's finishing point is one mile from the bus stop, so to really follow in last season's footsteps, our cast will run that last mile.
This marks the first challenge of the season! The race winner will get an amazing reward: immunity at this week's weigh-in. If the winner can't have an entire turkey dinner, immunity is the next best thing. Additionally, the winner will get to choose their partner for the season. Tina Yothers cannot believe this luck!
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Comments (10)
Julio should have gone home. That montage of him literally laying on the floor like a big, fat baby was pathetic. He weighs 100 pounds more than his partner, he's a male (who typically lose more and faster than females) and he lost the same amount as his partner. I'd have been as pissed off as she was. She should have punched him. And what??? Waiting until your 40 to lose weight - for your children? Does that mean you can be a total idiot in the meantime?? Doesn't that mean that during the children's formative years they saw daddy's horrible eating habits? That was one of the stupidest things I've ever heard anyone say. And he always has a Sad Sack face. Can you tell I DO NOT like him? I'm so glad his "partner" went on to do SOOoooo good on her own.
And Abby? I don't know how she gets out of bed every morning. I don't know that I could. I think she's a testament to grace and faith, and she's got the cutest drawl on earth.
And lastly. I just love Danny. He was one of my favorites last season, and since they brought him back he was apparently the favorite of many. He's also done GREAT on his own, and I'm glad he gets to come back to the ranch for another kick start.
These people scare and inspire me. I've started going back to the gym and signed my husband up, too!
1 of 10 | Posted by baffled | Posted on September 21, 2009 10:12 PM
Heh heh, you had me at the first paragraph. "Biggest thing in my life" indeed!
Okay, I'll get started reading the rest now... I know I have the drive and determination to succeed. Just you wait, America, the next time you hear from me blah blah blah...hold on, got to go fix myself a snack first....
2 of 10 | Posted by itchy | Posted on September 22, 2009 12:27 AM
Okay, finished the recap...huff...puff...
I can't believe I allowed seven seasons of this freakfest to get past me. Well, no more! Wow! I am speechless! And! That! Is! Rare!
I'm willing to be your partner as you wallow through this season, Bailey, if you'll have me. Awesome recap. What is it about fat people that's just so damned funny?
You just know that Daniel's choice of Shay for partner was strategic, since she has the most of all of them to lose, which means it'll come off faster. It's kind of like playing against a Survivor All-star. Only fatter. With more yelling. And fewer hot bikini babes.
I really hope they get Abby off of the screen quickly because there are limits to where I will go with my, er, humor, and I just can't go there. No fair.
Speaking of which...what's the deal with the butterface hostess? Did she get in a carwreck? It looks like her airbags still haven't deflated.
Oops. Damn.
And another thing...what's with the 49-year-old grandma? I'm 48, and she looks old enough to be MY grandmother. Jeez. Do people really think they die when they turn forty? Goodness gracious. Just to do some shameless pimping of my own stuff, check out my videos at youtube (search for "mickey zero" ...there's quite a bit of me to see...eh hem) --seriously, was that woman born only one year before I was? No fucking way.
3 of 10 | Posted by itchy | Posted on September 22, 2009 4:52 AM
Amanda is going to drive me crazy with her "America believes in me" crap. We briefly met her and another woman on last year's finale and "America voted" on which one should be a contestant. My theory is that everyone who voted (all 14 of them), voted for the one they thought was better looking.
4 of 10 | Posted by Clair | Posted on September 22, 2009 9:13 AM
My mom watched this show every year so I've heard about it for quite sometime, however this is the first year I've ever watched it myself. I was like, hey your show is on and within 5 minutes I was sucked in. I think I got all misty eyed like 5 times. I didn't realize the Grandma was 49! Wow. When I saw her I was thinking she wasnt that big in comparison, but man she has not aged well. Someone get that someone some hair color stat!
5 of 10 | Posted by cansnuts | Posted on September 22, 2009 10:12 AM
Bailey! Fantastic, or fatastic, recap. Love, love, love the blink of shame.
It would not surprise me one iota if Tracey has actually expired. I mean, they could bring back anyone next week and I would have no idea if it was her or not.
Seriously, an EMT and a nurse and neither could help that poor woman? Yup, Amanda is already on my nerves with Julio a close second.
Go Abby!
6 of 10 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on September 22, 2009 10:13 AM
I reaaally hope Julio isn't this season's Ron. Ron was the douche last year who weighed friggin 400-some pounds and hardly ever lost weight but because his son lost a bunch of weight every weigh-in, he got to stay until the very end. And he stabbed a bunch of people in the back on the way.
I am so happy for Alexandra though. More than happy because that is what this show is for: to give them the kick in the ass they need to lose the weight that is literally killing them. I wish all of the contestants who left would take it as seriously as she apparently has after they leave. Some just go right back to their old habits and futz around and when it comes time for the finale, they look exactly the same as they did when they were on the show.
Abby's story is so beyond depressing that I couldn't even cry. It was like it hit me like a wave and I sat here stunned. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my entire family. I did cry though when she talked about her struggle is just getting up in the morning and going about her daily life. I'm clinically depressed and know that feeling in a different way but I cannot even fathom how she feels. It goes so far beyond depression.
Beside that, I hope my girl Shay does her thing. I really really hope she stays until the end. I hope she does a Tara and just gets determined and loses craptons of weight. That picture of her body with all the fat around her bones broke my heart.
I mean, I get annoyed with myself when my body starts to jiggle even a little bit and I get my butt in the gym and lose that extra ten pounds or so...I cannot imagine how a person gets THAT big. How do you see yourself and feel yourself getting that fat and do nothing about it?
7 of 10 | Posted by pixiegal262 | Posted on September 22, 2009 2:12 PM
I haven't watched this show in quite a few seasons. After reading your recap, great stuff, and hearing Abby's story, I just have to watch! I have to see how she does because if that had happened to me, I wouldn't have the will to live, let alone exercise!
8 of 10 | Posted by brattygrl | Posted on September 22, 2009 11:43 PM
"This time Shay manages to pull it off! As a reward, Jillian knocks her unconscious."
Absolutely hilarious recap, Bailey! And yet, somehow not offensive. To me, at least.
I can imagine what waking up in the morning is like for Abby. You start to wake up and everything is fine and then, you remember. God, that poor woman.
I have always wondered about the wisdom of putting people in a competitive situation when they are basically fighting for their lives. And making them run the first day off the bus? Insane! Why didn't they rush to Tracey's aid immediately, instead of letting her possibly compound her problem? She could have oxygen deprivation, for pete's sake.
Oh, and they can still sue even if they do sign a waiver. If there was malice (i.e., negligence), they could win big time.
9 of 10 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on September 23, 2009 2:40 AM
Elated to see this show on here, FINALLY again. Hilarious hilarious hilarious recap. You're giving Flipit and J-Mo a run for their money in the writing department . . . . Can't wait for more!
10 of 10 | Posted by flamama | Posted on September 25, 2009 2:08 PM