By The Qwertz
As the days passed and the depression set in that I'd have no further episodes of Blowout to see, I figured I'd treat myself to a bit of reality show "realism." A confluence of events came about: the holiday weekend approached, my hair was very long, I hadn't produced a final recap for my dear readers and finally the weekend would mark the first weekend of The Qwertz's coast-to-coast birth month celebration. Yes, I have multiple parties over the month, hell, if I'm steadily increasing in age, I ought to enjoy doing so! As a treat, my dear sister suggested I hop on out to Los Angeles and book a cut with one of the chumps from the Jonathan Salon.
What did I experience? Why were there hair terrorists at Prada on Rodeo? Would Jonathan and the bambino be present? Find out after the jump.
As I said, I had gone approximately four weeks, and my hair was a bit unruly. After some convincing/conniving by my sister I made the call to Jonathan Salon in Beverly Hills. OOOH, they answered the phone, which shouldn't be so shocking since it is a business, however unanswered phones wouldn't be a total shock. Some lady answered "Jonathan Salon" and OMG IT WAS JUST LIKE IT SOUNDED ON TELEVISION.
I was sort of thrown off for a second when she asked who I'd like to see? Well after some stuttering and internal monologue I settled on SCOTT. Ah yes, dear reader—for you I was willing to subject myself to a voice I generally prefer to hear via subtitles. I hung up, and I was shaking, it was as though the power of Christ compelled me. Or it was day 4 of Starbucks withdrawal.
In the intervening two weeks, however, ah yes, it should be noted, business may be booming but I still had to book at least three weeks in advance when I went to the Arrojo Studios in NYC... anyhow, I was still stuck with messy, frizzy and long (for me) hair. Oh what to do.
A Sephora had just opened up near me, so I trekked over during lunch one day to buy the oftdiscussed maligned and never imitated DIRTTM, (well and some moisturizer as The Qwertz doesn't tolerate dry skin).
I go home later that day, and my hair looks like crap, I mean SERIOUSLY:
Taken that morning when I woke up, and no, I don't care for bananas.
So I take out my box of DIRT TM and do a HOT product shoot, so here is DIRT TM in its élément normal:
OOOH, pretty... shiny box... HEY, let's go ride bikes!
Eager with anticipation, I tear back the top to reveal what this treasure holds, would it be a ten-thousand-dollar bejeweled brooch? Would it be Cicely Tyson's hat? Oh, ummm....
What the f)(*&%#?!
Great. It's LITERALLY dirt. I just spent 25 god(*&#Q(^%% mother (@*&#%(*^ dollars on 16 cubic inches of DIRT.
Upset, I decide to take a shower. When I return, having calmed myself with a nice bath drawn by Calgon, I look around in the kitchen, but there is no DIRTTM. I search high and low. Nothing. Was it a dream? Am I in an episode of Ally McBeal? Wandering around my house with an obvious confused look, the cleaning lady approached and asks what's wrong. I inform her that my box of dirt has gone missing and as soon as the words come out of my mouth I feel like an idiot. Why would a 25 going on 26 year old be missing a BOX OF DIRT?
Much to my surprise she said "I moved, dirt doesn't belong in the kitchen mister!" Yes, she's a bit sassy, and that's part of her charm. ANYHOW, she drags me outside the front door and what do I find but this:
What love I've lost has now been found!
Truly, dirt in its élément normal.
Amused, I snap a few photos of the happy box (giggle) and the content flowers. I see if the columbines (née Aquilegia caerulea) prefer this dirt over run of the mill sweat-shop dirt. They don't seem to mind.
Suddenly I have this odd sensation of wet sandpaper on my toes, and I look down and realize I had dozed off between throwing the box of DIRTTM on the counter and my shower. "Oops." Luckily my trusty dog Stella McCartney Sarsgaard (yes, really) woke me up, lest she lets me forget my mission: PERFECT HAIR.
Stella McCartney Sarsgaard, just because
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Comments (25)
Yes, my Tevas were a source of great shame. They will be replaced this weekend with far more trendy Birkenstocks.
And yes, I really did say that to Louis Van Amstel. In my drunken state, I thought this would somehow be the key into getting us into some "Dancing with the Stars" party. Again, key word is "drunk."
1 of 25 | Posted by B-Side
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Posted on June 2, 2006 4:31 PM
"B-Side and I head out to Beverly Hills. We park and make out [...]"
This might be more information than we needed?
2 of 25 | Posted by tvtvtv
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Posted on June 2, 2006 5:12 PM
And Matisse, yes? What's the prize? Methinks perhaps a box of dirt...
3 of 25 | Posted by tvtvtv
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Posted on June 2, 2006 5:17 PM
That was hilarious. I love that you put your hair on the line like that for your TVGASM readers. Talk about the ultimate sacrifice.
What next - Jonathan and Victoria's Day Spa?
4 of 25 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on June 2, 2006 5:49 PM
How much did it cost?
5 of 25 | Posted by The Svan
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Posted on June 2, 2006 8:14 PM
this is right up there with the trip to see giada sign books- more exploratroy reconn!
6 of 25 | Posted by Leah3t
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Posted on June 2, 2006 8:34 PM
The Svan-
I cannot recall precisely, though I do belive it was in the range of $80 to $85 for a cut before tip.
While some may think this is totally retardo malteban for a mens cut, my previous two stylists charged me $120 (Arrojo Studios--though that was more for her stories about being Janice Dickinson's private stylist) and $65 (Robert Kree plus as much wine as I can drink) for my cuts. So this while falling into the "avg," category in terms of price, the cut really was worth it--just today, on my actual birthdate my mother said my hair looked "nice" which coming from her is a miracle. aside from that, the fact that it provided entertainment value for more than a few persons, made up the balance, no?
7 of 25 | Posted by the_qwertz
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Posted on June 2, 2006 9:22 PM
Yo Qwertz - baby, We are in the chatroom right now talkin bout how sexy you are - now quit postin and come join us!
;)
8 of 25 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on June 2, 2006 9:33 PM
Is it a Matisse print?
9 of 25 | Posted by tcheese
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Posted on June 2, 2006 10:35 PM
It's your money and The Svan is glad you like it.
10 of 25 | Posted by The Svan
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Posted on June 3, 2006 6:19 AM
You must be one virile horse of a man.
11 of 25 | Posted by holyterror
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Posted on June 3, 2006 6:46 AM
also- i love that dog
12 of 25 | Posted by Leah3t
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Posted on June 3, 2006 8:21 AM
did the thought of dirt in your hair make jonathan do his "if i squeeze the bridge of my nose i won't cry" cry? or perhaps he caught a view of the box of dirt, and lost control of his emotions? after all, dirt does have the most. beautiful. packaging. ever.
i only ask because it seems like a trip to the salon would be incomplete without completely inappropriate (yet entertaining) tears.
13 of 25 | Posted by doctorsnark
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Posted on June 3, 2006 10:42 AM
Haha, "and no, I don't care for bananas"—who are you, MICHELLE COLLINS?
14 of 25 | Posted by m_ruv
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Posted on June 3, 2006 4:05 PM
The print--is it a Kuznicki?
15 of 25 | Posted by Bobbie
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Posted on June 3, 2006 4:24 PM
Is the print - Keith Haring?
16 of 25 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on June 3, 2006 9:22 PM
tvtvtvtvtvtvtv is indeed the correct first responder. it is a print of a matisse paper cut out.
must say i am very partial to my matisse and lichtensteins.
17 of 25 | Posted by the_qwertz
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Posted on June 3, 2006 9:31 PM
Oh my gosh, this is so unexpected! I’d like to thank my agent, my stylist, my trainer, my personal chef, and my fellow tvgasm readers.
18 of 25 | Posted by tvtvtv
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Posted on June 4, 2006 2:00 PM
I read about Arrojo studio and here I think you're talking about Nick Arrojo from TLC's What not to wear. (sigh)
Anybody have any idea how much a ladies' cut costs there? I've been hearing something crazy like 300$ or something like that.....
19 of 25 | Posted by Laurie
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Posted on June 5, 2006 7:12 AM
the quertz- you hair is definitely bangin'
just a quick qustion-exactly how tall is SCOTT? like 5'2" ish?
20 of 25 | Posted by anonym.
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Posted on June 5, 2006 7:20 AM
Someone needs to tell B-side to get Chacos--not Birkenstocks. Think Tevas that are more comfy with arch support.
BTW, nice granite counters. Shi-shi.
21 of 25 | Posted by jelodi97
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Posted on June 5, 2006 7:33 AM
I agree with Leah3t, love the dog pics. Oh, and you hair looks good too.
22 of 25 | Posted by msCCRN
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Posted on June 5, 2006 9:04 AM
yes, i do think scott is about 5-2. he barely reaches my shoulder, and with my big head, thats about a full foot shorter than i am.
and laurie--you are correct. nick arrojo from what not to wear also has a huge salon in tribeca/soho in nyc called the arrojo studios...womens cuts vary as i recall because the stylists were all at different levels, so you pay for the level. though i can imagine a cut with nick for a woman costing around $600 which in the city is a good sixty martinis, thus a good month's worth of drinks clipped away!
23 of 25 | Posted by the_qwertz
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Posted on June 5, 2006 10:07 AM
and i agree with leah3t and msCCRN:
ay mia!your dog is adorable. i love huskies
24 of 25 | Posted by anonym.
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Posted on June 5, 2006 8:06 PM
A very entertaining read, the_qwertz! And loved all of the pictures too! Although (I can't believe I am the only one with my mind in the gutter this morning) your head isn't the only enormous looking thing in the picture of you in the black sheet.
Ok, so $85 for the cut... what do you tip for a fabulous cut, pictures, and head massage from lil Scott?
25 of 25 | Posted by MrsC
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Posted on June 7, 2006 8:45 AM