By The Qwertz
The sun is out, the clocks have sprung ahead -- it's time to settle in and enjoy the comforts of the changing seasons. Of course if you are like me and reading this from the inside of your office as you stare out your window cursing those enjoying the weather, well we can take solace in knowing Blowout has reliably produced another worthy episode of mockery and derision.
Well, it's another beautiful LA day and time for Jonathan to head to the office. Entering his lair, he kisses a few women, degrades a few stylists and makes some calls. Passing by his receptionist, she asks "how was New York?" Umm, she didn't watch Jonathan on Good Morning America? Worst employee ever. Seeing clients in the salon early in the morning I'm left wondering when Dominic from season two Real World started getting his cuts from Jonathan Salon?? Anyhow, Jonathan talks the small talk, wondering if it's time to change his look because today he's doing "the Johnny Cash Five thing" which I can only guess is a combo Johnny Cash and Jackson Five look. Or in reality, dark wavy hair with a hint of Soul Glow for extra sheen. Just let your SOUUUULLLL GLOWWWW!
ANYWAYS, up in his office Jonathan laments his busy busy life. He's got so much going on like new products, new launches, new products, his baby-but really he's just dying to play golf. Good to see priorities in order. On the phone is Rob Lee ("slave of satan") who is telling Jonathan about another great opportunity for his ego, I mean product, at Sundance. Being sold as a schwag bitch, Jonathan jumps at the opportunity to hawk over 1,000 units of his product for free. Now, ever to put things in perspective, Jonathan reflects that for "Sundance to want Jonathan Product-that's huge." Of course, last year Sundance wanted Lean Cuisine and Evian. And Geico Car Insurance. And Hanes. And white tube socks with no label. IT'S THAT HUGE.
Over in the Beverly Hills Salon ("BHS") we see a totally unstaged conversation as SCOTT, Alyn, and Kiara stand around a client looking totally natural and not talking until the camers start rolling. Discussing the photo shoot from last week, where you know, Jonathan took total creative control away from the creative director, Kiara talks about the gratuitious nudity and the nature of shoots and how what you do on these jobs you bring back to do to your clients. So the BHS apparently now offers pricey cuts, color, 5ft hair extensions, and clothes removal by appointment only. Oh good, SCOTT TALKS. The thing is he seems very nice and good-like my Banana Republic alpaca sweater-but the voice is simply more than I can tolerate. It's like that google video of cats talking. Yeah, that annoying. He says something like "blah blah blah, I get excited when people talk about photo shoots, blah blah blah something."
Back in the WeHo salon, Jonathan tells Clarissa-Jonathan's assistant-that she will be joining him in Park City, Utah for Sundance. So excited, but I'm sure not as excited as SCOTT would have been. Back downstairs we see Jonathan cutting hair when interrupted by Rosie-his manager of salons who asks "how was the morning show?" Seriously, don't these people know how to kiss ass? Didn't anyone watch the morning show? I MEAN IT WAS WITH DIANE SAWYER AND CHARLIE GIBSON! Rosie presents another opportunity for Jonathan as it seems Charles Nolan asks him to do hair at New York Fashion Week. Of course, Jonathan complains to his client about how much it takes to do fashion week, and how much effort. He is so one of those guys that works like 80hrs a week and "complains" about it for everyone to hear how important he must be to work 80hr a week. I sit next to a person like that here in my office, and I always just want to punch him when he speaks about how much of a loser he is for having worked five 15hr days in a row.
Back in the office, the Slave of Satan calls up to discuss Fashion Week details, and Jonathan, ever the mature individual trying to forward his career a bit more, sits at his desk using Scotch Tape to tape his eyebrows up and spray phomollient all over his desk. Yeah, that's mature. Oh, HILARIOUS too.
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Comments (11)
I gave in and watched this abortion of a TV show. It frightens and sickens me at the same time.
Jonathan is very short, with a large head. I think he may be part midget and/or dwarf? Obviously there is something wrong with him. Better analyze that DNA.
Robin Antin is a beast. Better check her DNA too. I think there might be some wildabeast DNA in there.
KH
1 of 11 | Posted by KatiesHole
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Posted on April 4, 2006 4:31 PM
This is one of the worst reality shows ever put on television. It is painfully dull and painfully annoying.
There's no camp value to it; it's treated at face-value. So rather than seeing the amusingly queeny antics of a hair salon, we instead get the relentless self-promotion of a narcissistic jackass.
Literally, there is no point to this show other than to sell Jonathan Product. Is Bravo getting a cut? Which marketing genius decided that a show about a perpetual product launch would make for good TV? Really, how is this piece of shit on its *third* season?
2 of 11 | Posted by Flush it all away
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Posted on April 4, 2006 6:33 PM
After reading the last recap, which was so hilarious, I tried watching the show. Emphasis on "try" because it got tedious listening to Jonathan's monotone and his going on and on about his vacuous life. The recaps are much more entertaining than the show. BTW, I LOVED the Coming To America shout out. (Just let your SOUUUULLLL GLOWWWW! I still laugh thinking about the grease spots those people left on the couch.) If Jonathan ever tries to give someone a jheri curl, THAT's a show I would watch.
3 of 11 | Posted by Aries
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Posted on April 4, 2006 7:43 PM
At least if his kid is gonna get thrown into the fire, he has the right name for it!
4 of 11 | Posted by zoobabe
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Posted on April 4, 2006 8:08 PM
Do you think Jonathan and his sister Robin got their chin implants at the same time, holding hands as they were rolled into the operating room? I do.
5 of 11 | Posted by ILoveNachosTooMuch
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Posted on April 4, 2006 8:15 PM
I fear for Jonathan's son. I am still baffled at his rendition of Itsy Bitsy Spider. How do you f&*k that up? But the next episdoe looks good, jonathan frazzled,I hope he gets banned from NYC fashion week
6 of 11 | Posted by hardly@work
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Posted on April 5, 2006 6:29 AM
This episode was boring but The Qwertz, thanks for the funny recap. I love the "just let your Soul Glowwwwwwwwwww"!! And the cry count! :)
Robin's face is SCARY. Like a 99cent store Halloween mask.
7 of 11 | Posted by stacyrocks
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Posted on April 5, 2006 10:56 AM
I don't think this episode could have been anymore choreographed if Jonathan's she-male sister had done it herself.
They are trying way too hard to make this massive tool look interesting.
The show claims that he is be great hairdresser who is so popular that it will take up to 4 months to get an appointment with him. Yet he goes to Sundance, which is filled with the rich and famous and the only person who wants a haircut from him is Marlee Matlin – no offense to her. Did you notice he was able to take a day and go snowboarding? Yeah he’s a hot property.
He better start working on a Rogaine type hair product for himself, before his forehead gets any bigger.
8 of 11 | Posted by jonathan antin's forehead
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Posted on April 5, 2006 2:01 PM
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the blue part is actually the hottest part of the flame.
9 of 11 | Posted by NYC18
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Posted on April 6, 2006 8:35 AM
you got me. see, this is why i am engaged in corporate law, and not astrophysics--now kids, for your lesson of the day:
Color tells us about the temperature of a candle flame. The outer core of the candle flame is light blue -- 1670 K (1400 °C). That is the hottest part of the flame. The color inside the flame becomes yellow, orange and finally red. The further you reach to the center of the flame, the lower the temperature will be. The red portion is around 1070 K (800 °C). The reason there is this variation in a candle's flame color is because air convection pulls the warmer gasses upwards.
10 of 11 | Posted by the_qwertz
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Posted on April 6, 2006 8:43 AM
transsphenoidal hypophysectomy--is that for real?hahaha..
'Seriously, when can we see the Donald bear hug Carolyn? Anyone? Bueller?' LMFAO!!ha! hilarious!
oh so many good ones qwertz
'And after hearing the song so many times, no, I don't wish my girlfriend was hot like you. Suck it.'
LOL good thing no one was around my cubicle.
i've decided to say screw it and not watch the show and just read the recaps. i loves it!!!
11 of 11 | Posted by tigereye
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Posted on April 7, 2006 11:39 AM