TVgasm Recaps

***We weren't gonna recap this show because of the bad taste left in our mouths by Paris Hilton's new bff caca, but you requested it numerous times and then a little recap angel brought us a new baby! Please welcome the irresistible Twunty with Bromance!!

"Why are these men crying? Because they want to be friends with me."

I couldn't have said it better myself, Master Brody. You'd be crying too if your life's goal was reduced to wanting to be somebody's friend. Someone you don't even know! That's not just sad, it's pathetic. But just so you know that I'm not going soft on these guys, let's begin.

Blink and you'll miss it.

And no, I'm not talking about my post. I'm talking about the so-called talent on display by our six remaining guys. but we'll get to that later. L.C. is here! Oh, tweezerman. If you just could have sucked it up and stuck it out, look at what your reward would have been. The dating game with your Hills heroine! You could have shared your secret to the perfect eyebrow, talked about boys together and ended the day with a shopping spree on Robertson Blvd! Ah, what could have been...but it wasn't meant to be. Sigh. Well, he can watch her from home and gaze at her as lovingly as the camera does as it follows her exit from Brody's sports car, flipping her hair like true reality pro.

This week our boys have to box with a porn star and then they get to rough it in the woods for what may be the longest two days of their burgeoning reality star lives. And, yes, the title I chose for this episode is from Chris P, our future "Last Comic Standing" reject. That's right. Neuter Boy made a funny! But before we get our hopes up for a comedy filled episode, I must reveal how disappointed I am.

I was hoping for this.

And got this instead.

"You think this is good, wait till you see what I do with their dignity!"

Holy indifference, Batman! I'm clutching my pearls in shock because no one, not a single bro, cried this week! How did this happen? Perhaps it's like that first week at college where you're terribly homesick and can't wait to see your mom and sleep in your own bed at home and seven days and five keg parties later, you can't remember your home phone number. Whatever it is, the boys put away the hankies this week for some good old fashioned humiliation courtesy of hideous jeans and a bitchy bunny.

First of all, I hope that everyone got their free Denny's Grand Slam breakfast on Tuesday. I was still nursing my super sized Super Bowl hangover and didn't want to wait in line for hours just to throw up on some poor waitress who probably wasn't making enough in tips to even pay for her bus ride to work that morning. She was hating life yesterday as were most of us who watched this pathetic excuse for a finale. It had everything and nothing. The trips to the last two guy's hometowns, girl drama, drinking, faux sincerity and tears. All the things you would expect from a Ryan Seacrest production, and plenty of yawns too. Enjoy!