C. Thomas Howell is up first, and he knows he has to have a good performance or he's probably going home. He has a little girl pick a card, and then he throws the deck into his cowboy hat and lassos the card. I know it sounds really boring written out, but it's pretty cool on TV. He also has the kids shout "Celebracadabra!" which is always amazing because wow, it's quite a title! C. Thomas Howell closes his act by turning an egg into a chicken, and well, that one's not as impressive because it's pretty obvious how he does it. The kids go super crazy over it though, so all in all, his act is a success!
Next, Kimberly comes out dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. It's weird to see her in a wholesome outfit and not her usual choice, her birthday suit. She comes out looking for Toto, and she shows the kids he's not in her basket. The kids learned from C. Thomas Howell's act though, and they totally call her on having the dog hidden away in there. In her confessional, she's actually really endearing because she says how she wanted to hiss at them to shut up, and I don't know, people being jerks makes me giggle.
A dog couldn't possibly be in there, that basket is so deep!
So, her first trick bombs. For her next one, she takes a little girl's sneaker and hides it in a magic box, which then explodes and sets off the smoke detector. The shoe burns, and then a FedEx package appears and lo and behold, the sneaker is inside! It doesn't really make much sense, which Lisa confirms backstage by yelling, "Get the hook!" Last week she said she couldn't heckle people, but ah, how times have changed. When she finishes her act, everyone assures her she did great, except for Silly Billy who says, "Except for all the stuff we talked about while you were performing." This comes from a man who has sex with balloon vaginas.
Chris' character sort of reminds me of Lisa D'Amato from America's Next Top Model fame, and that's not a dated reference because that show plays on VH1 all the damn time. If you haven't seen her, though, she was psycho and once peed in an adult diaper just for fun, so...his whole act is kind of like that. Somehow every kid in the audience says they're a hip hop fan, so they all dig his weird performance. The only thing that doesn't fly with the judges is him swearing since, ya know, the audience is comprised of children. Similarly, it will be a bad idea if he whips his dick out. He runs around shouting things like, "Hell yeah!" and "Damn!" This makes the kids like him even more though, because I can confirm that swearing equals funny. My dream in life is for someone to accidentally drop a curse word on an upcoming episode of Saturday Night Live.
C. Thomas Howell likes the act so much, he fondles himself.
Hal comes out as Harry Potter, speaking in a creepy British accent, and introduces his assistant, Holly. Maybe it would've made sense to have her play Hermione, but what do I know? For Hal's trick, he makes a butterfly appear, and Rocco pretty much creams himself with delight backstage. The kids are pleased too, but then Hal releases about 15 fucking butterflies into the room and the kids completely lose it. I don't blame them because holy shit, butterflies are nice in captivity but I don't want them flying around my head! Hally Potter thinks the trick was executed marvelously, except for all the kids crying for their moms. He tries to console them, but backstage Rocco is like, "That's not part of the trick!" Professional magicians really care about their audience, y'all.
Silly Billy introduces Lisa by going into great detail on what ketchup is. See, it's not mustard and it's not mayonnaise, but it's something else you can put on a hamburger! He gets the kids to start chanting for ketchup, but they immediately shut up when she's like, "Sorry I'm so late, I had to ketch-up. Get it?" They do not. Ant compares her to Bette Midler doing magic, which is pretty accurate. She tries to make a cloth disappear but just drops it on the floor, and then she belts out Wind Beneath My Wings as a last resort. Ultimately she pulls the charade off well enough though, making a rabbit appear and letting the kids pet it, so Hal concludes she took lemons and made ketchupade. That's why Hal is no longer a successful stand-up comic.
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Comments (4)
I love how you can manage to milk 5 pages of hilarious recap out of such a fluff show. Bravo.
I can totally relate to those kids concerning Hal and his butterflies...scary as sh-- memories of the butterfly tent at the science museum when I was 8 floating back into my conscience. I'm surprised you didn't note Ant's claim that the show can't get rid of the villain this early. That's the one thing I liked about him, that he was aware of how this reality stuff works. Other than that, I'm glad he's gone and this show can continue to just be a goodhearted piece of cotton candy.
1 of 4 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on May 11, 2008 1:53 AM
I doubt I'll ever watch the show, but your recaps make good reading, BQ.
2 of 4 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on May 11, 2008 11:00 AM
I agree, the best thing to come out of that crappy show is this hilarious recap.
3 of 4 | Posted by Nemesiis | Posted on May 13, 2008 12:13 PM
This show is stupid but Lisa Ann Walter is one smart cookie. I don't think she's too emotional, I think she's just playing the game well. And her boobs are definately real. Trust me, you can tell one's that are....enhanced. And Ant is just an all around unpleasant person. I don't know why he keeps subjecting us to his reality show appearances.
4 of 4 | Posted by Bingo Blog Boy | Posted on May 14, 2008 6:42 AM