Finally it's showtime! There's 30 minutes left in this episode, and I swear the big performance is going to take up about five of them. Regardless, Jonathan greets the crowd and explains the whole premise of the series, to no one's fascination. He introduces C. Thomas Howell as having acted in over 140 films, which is totally false according to IMDB - of course I checked because I'm an asshole that way.
His act starts with a bunch of dancing girls, and then he appears in his tang-colored suit. Marvelous! His act starts with some awkward stand-up comedy, and you can hear the crowd being like, "What the fuck, start the show." He finally does, and he does the trick Rocco was so enamored with, where C. Thomas Howell makes money appear out of thin air. That part's cool, but then there's a lot of dancing and X-rated miming, which his wife surely enjoys from her seat in the audience. His filthiness winds up with him handcuffed and locked in the ol' safe. A dancing girl hoists the safe into the air and then holds up a sign with C. Thomas Howell's face on it. She pulls it up, pushes it back down, and voila, she's C. Thomas Howell! A dancing girl is then locked in the safe! Even I, cynic that I am, have to admit that's pretty fucking cool.
His act basically consists of different magic scenes. When that one ends, he cuts to one where he's mourning the loss of a girl or some nonsense, and then when he holds up a sheet, she appears from behind it. C. Thomas Howell must get laid all the time with all these chicks he has in the lineup. I really don't know what happens in this scene because it's set to music from Beauty and the Beast, and it's like, what the fuck? He makes the girl levitate eventually, but neither I, nor the audience could tell you why.
He doesn't know either, so he just goes to sleep.
That marks the end of his show, and awesomely enough, the crowd gives him a standing ovation! Carnie Wilson, in particular, goes nuts for him but it's only because she realized he could make a turkey sandwich appear for her. C. Thomas Howell goes backstage and flips his fucking shit about how great he was, which is really super cute, to be perfectly honest. Even cuter, the announcer leads up to the next segment by being like, "Coming up, Hal deals with some technical difficulties." Celebracadabra, you are precious.
With that knowledge under our hats, we're all set for Hal's arrival! Going last could really benefit him, assuming his technical cock-up isn't too severe. He starts by appearing in a tube of smoke, which I can't make sound impressive, although it's kind of cool.
Just kidding, I mean it's hot.
Hal says his biggest fan is here, and then wheels out a huge fan. LOL, Hal, what a card. His trick is to crawl through the fan's blades while they're moving, and he's like, "There's two ways to do this. Magically...magically...or very quickly." Ah, here comes that technical difficulty! Whatever's supposed to happen clearly does not, and then the director actually interrupts the show over the loudspeaker and is like, "Whoops, my fault!" At least he's taking credit, but hm, makes it obvious this won't be done the magical way. Hal recovers well enough even though this is mortifying, and he makes it through the fan without being split apart, so that's a plus. Also, his dick looks huge while he does it. He may not win but at least he's got a nice rod.
For his next trick, he talks about how magic is a great way to make a party. He climbs into some sort of party box and waves a blanket around, which then turns into some kind of critter. He does it again and then tries for a third time, and...
Whoops! Magic can't control his limbs.
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