March 25, 2008

Celebrity Apprentice: Backstreet's Back, ALL RIGHT!

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So for those of you on the edges of your seats wondering what happened with my Clogged Sink Saga, here's the thrilling conclusion. The plumber came and was completely hornswaggled until a little investigation revealed the problem: nails and pieces of wood in our pipes. How did our pipes come to possess nails and pieces of wood, you might ask? I have no idea. Perhaps our house is just trying to self-destruct rather than live with us.

Anyway, there's that. Here's Celebrity Apprentice.

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March 18, 2008

Celebrity Apprentice: Stevie B Retarded

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Listen well, my friends, for I have a shocking and compelling story to fill this introduction space with. This past Saturday night, a loathsome clog plagued our kitchen sink. After a run to the store for some Drano, the problem was seemingly solved, as the water went down and eventually disappeared. Great. Time to return to my previously delightful evening of watching Riding the Bus with My Sister. Well, the sink had other plans. After a little while I heard some dripping, so my roommate and I returned to the kitchen, only to find that the "water" (if we can call it that, by this point it was more of a brown sludge) had risen up, up, up to the top of the sink, overflowed onto the counter, and was now gushing onto the floor.

After several minutes of vigorous shrieking and frenzied but useless pointing at the mess, we called both our landlord and our handyman. Neither answered, as this all took place at 12:30 at night. I called an emergency plumber, but they wouldn't come over and do anything without the permission of the landlord. So it was off to the 24-hour supermarket to buy a plunger. A rather odd purchase for one in the morning, true, but we pulled it off with finesse and, I like to think, a microscopic shred of dignity. We returned to the gushing torrents and plunged away for quite some time, to no avail. Eventually we gave up and just started filling pots and pans with the sludge and dumping it in the backyard. It continued to gurgle and rise, as if to spite us, but at long last it stopped and we were able to clean ourselves up. This proved to be quite difficult, as apparently Drano and sink sewage combine to form a powerful alliance against hand soap.

I also knocked my roommate's deodorant into the toilet during one of our many hand-washings. It was par for the course. And now, for another sort of sewage, here's some Celebrity Apprentice.

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March 11, 2008

Celebrity Apprentice: Bobo Leaves The Circus

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This week I met a woman with a service dog, but she wasn't visually impaired. Rather, she had a heart condition, and the dog was trained to be able to sense when her heart rate increased, and nudge her in the leg so she would sit down instead of passing out from a standing position. I had never heard of such a thing before, and I was pretty amazed by the fact that dogs can do this. It made me want to do something good, to give back to the world in some way.

Then I watched Celebrity Apprentice, and remembered the true meaning of life: to hold petty grudges and amass as many famous friends as humanly possible.

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March 2, 2008

Celebrity Apprentice: Cleanliness Is Next To Smuttiness

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Yesterday I saw a woman fall down a flight of stairs and face plant into the floor. It was hilarious. After recovering from my internal fits of laughter, I went over to help her up and she was fine, if not a little bruised, disoriented, and humiliated. I sympathized readily, as I myself had just finished watched another episode of Celebrity Apprentice.

Hey-o!

Anyone?

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February 26, 2008

Celebrity Apprentice: Ladder Infection

Know what I did last night? I went roller skating. At a roller skating rink. And hoo boy, it was a blast. It was as if the twelve-year-old hidden inside me suddenly broke free in a rush of fun, whimsy, and repeated travel around a wooden track in an orderly fashion. True, I got a blister. And true, at one point I was tackled by an elderly disco-skating man. But I recovered with a fair amount of dignity.

How does a roller skating rink relate to this week's Celebrity Apprentice, you ask? Both feature a lot of this:

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February 20, 2008

Celebrity Apprentice: Trump Indirectly Fires a Limo Driver

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Happy Valentine's Day, kids. Sorry it's a little late, but I was out of town, fighting a fire monster. Over the Himalayas. In defense of love. Or something. Either way, there's a big basket of chocolates waiting for you when you get home this evening, darling, I swear!

Anyway, at the end of this week's Celebrity Apprentice I had two thoughts: 1) What the hell just happened and 2) This recap is going to be about two pages long. When you get an entire episode full of yelling the exact same insults over and over, there's not much to say except that Ahmarosa is crazier than a shithouse rat.

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February 10, 2008

Celebrity Apprentice: There's a Wang in My Bed

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After all of last week's Godfather IV ridiculousness, this week's Celebrity Apprentice couldn't really be anything but...well, let's face it, equally ridiculous. Who am I trying to kid? This show is so beyond a caricature of itself. At least we got George Ross back this week! Oh, the countless weeks and years I've spent lamenting the loss of his crotchety cantakerousness and ceaseless hunger for stale cookies. I've missed you so, George! Welcome home!

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February 5, 2008

Celebrity Apprentice: What a Croc

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With all of the hype surrounding this episode of Celebrity Apprentice (i.e. two hours long because The Donald DECREED that it should be so!!) I had no choice but to become mildly interested, if a little irked by the fact that I now have to recap two hours of crap instead of one. And I had to hand it to them - for once the hype was actually appropriate.

For the first thirty minutes. After that, I couldn't help but scream "MY GOD GET ON WITH IT" at my television every time I saw Piers Morgan's smirky face.

With that ringing endorsement, join me on a trip down faux-Mafia memory lane!

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January 28, 2008

Celebrity Apprentice: Give My Regrets to Broadway

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Last night I had a dream that two really fat fourteeen-year-old boys got into my car and drove me around against my will. Then, once I finally managed to push them out, they reappeared in the trunk. Eventually I got used to them and we became friends. I think that there was a spaceship at the end, too.

My point is, if you really think about it, this week's Celebrity Apprentice was kind of like that.

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January 22, 2008

Celebrity Apprentice: I'm Still Unclear As To Whether This is a Kodak World, and If I am Welcome In It

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This week's Celebrity Apprentice finally ended the relentless parade of terrible dog puns. To fill the void, Gene Simmons stepped up to the plate to repeat the exact same five words over and over. And over. Still can't quite recall what they are? Read on, my friends.

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March 25, 2008:Celebrity Apprentice: Backstreet's Back, ALL RIGHT!
March 18, 2008:Celebrity Apprentice: Stevie B Retarded
March 11, 2008:Celebrity Apprentice: Bobo Leaves The Circus
March 2, 2008:Celebrity Apprentice: Cleanliness Is Next To Smuttiness
February 26, 2008:Celebrity Apprentice: Ladder Infection
February 20, 2008:Celebrity Apprentice: Trump Indirectly Fires a Limo Driver
February 10, 2008:Celebrity Apprentice: There's a Wang in My Bed
February 5, 2008:Celebrity Apprentice: What a Croc
January 28, 2008:Celebrity Apprentice: Give My Regrets to Broadway
January 22, 2008:Celebrity Apprentice: I'm Still Unclear As To Whether This is a Kodak World, and If I am Welcome In It
January 13, 2008:Celebrity Apprentice: Release the Hounds