Before we begin this week, I'd like to draw everyone's attention to a product that I strongly believe belongs in each and every pet owner's home. Kitty Wigs. They're pretty self-explanatory. They are wigs that you put on your cat. After attending to the various scrapes and wounds that your furious feline will no doubt inflict upon your limbs and face, you may bask in its utterly breathtaking beauty as it prances around like the reluctant drag queen that it truly is. For example: the Pink Passion wig will magically transform your kitty to the "land of cotton candy and pinwheels where the air smells like sugar kisses." Faboo!
My point is this: Bashful Blonde Wig Cat looks like Donald Trump.
"YOU'RE FIRED."
We begin this week with a creepy voiceover by Trump's peon, informing us of the events of last week. I miss The Donald's booming voice already. There's just something so beautiful about him recapping, "SO I FIRED HER!" Creepy peon just doesn't cut it.
Ahhhmarosa and Cryptkeeper Carol Alt return from the boardroom, affording us yet another glimpse of the Ringling Brothers-inspired ensemble.
"Who wants an animal balloon?"
Carol and Ahmarosa insist to the disappointed group that they're leaving all their conflicts inside the boardroom, which Piers loudly suggests is a load of horseshit. He also describes Ahmarosa as "gobby", which is a word that I've never heard before, so I'm just going to go ahead and assume that it refers to a cross between Gollum and Dobby, which actually describes Ahmarosa quite nicely.
Carol Baldwin arrives to collect a boatload of money from her spawn. Stephen presents her with the check for her charity, and she's totally blown away and starts crying. She hugs her son, and it's nice, though all I imagine is her thinking something like "Alec would have made double this." She thanks him, and then also says that she wants to thank "The" Donald. Haha. See, Carol knows what's what.
Amidst a pounding of frantic piano music that I suppose has now come to signify the start of a new task, THE Donald meets THE loser candidates in THE lobby of Trump Towers. He introduces some guy named Terry, who's the head of Macy's and will be judging on this task. What happened to DonJr? Couldn't pull him away from Guitar Hero for five seconds? Trump asks who in the group likes animals. Lennox and Tito raise their hands, and The Donald immediately asks if they like pitbulls. Lennox corrects him, saying that he prefers cats. Lennox, I've got the PERFECT product for you!
The Donald informs the group that February is Pet Adoption Month, and even manages to yell out his precious large numerical figures, shouting that "4 MILLION DOGS ARE PUT INTO ANIMAL SHELTERS EVERY YEAR." Yes, that's all well and good, but how much is the industry worth?? I must know!!
He introduces Rob Leibowitz of Pedigree, who is also quite gobby and looks for all the world like Yanosh from Ghostbusters II. He explains that their task is to create a 30-second ad for the Pedigree Adoption Drive. I high five myself. I love when these yahoos attempt to make commercials. Remember the homosexual cucumber porn from season 3? Quality programming. Trump asks the teams to pick Project Managers right then and there, and the winners are Nely Galan and Gene Simmons. Gene says that it's his job to hit on all of his opponents. Fantastic. Let's get this started.
"He is Vigo! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!"
The ladies are in their "Downtown War Room" as a graphic informs us. Great. If World War III is started by these crackpots, I'm gonna be really pissed. Nely begins by leading the group in some touchy-feely exercises that involve breathing in white light and exhaling rainbows or some shit. Looks like Nely's been wearing the Pink Passion Cat Wig. Ahmarosa does not participate, perhaps because she's too busy planning out today's paper route.
"Could someone direct me to the set of Newsies?"
Empresario (which should really be empresariA, as sayhuh pointed out, because it's an all female team, morons) meets with Pedigree Yanosh to discuss the commercial. They ask about using their celebrity powers, and he says that's fine, as long as they're telling stories about dogs. To which I say, what's the difference? Hey-o!
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Comments (11)
I only was able to stomach about ten minutes of the show... but read the entire recap!
So funny. So very very funny... especially the wigged-kitty! Thanks!
1 of 11 | Posted by ItsLikeKissingAPeanut | Posted on January 13, 2008 11:43 PM
I think you left out, "what up dog?"...or, "you da man now dog!" Or the easiest, "where my dogs at?"
Anyway, best line in a recap so far this year:
Alec would have made double this
lol
2 of 11 | Posted by pappy | Posted on January 14, 2008 5:57 AM
I didn't know Nadia was on the show either.
I wonder if that Kiss guy and the Trump girl had some issues before or if the blowoff was as contrived as it looked.
3 of 11 | Posted by soflat | Posted on January 14, 2008 7:08 AM
That was hilarious...i didn't get to see this episode but this recap did it for me! Thanks.
4 of 11 | Posted by missmissy | Posted on January 14, 2008 8:10 AM
If not for TVGasm, I would never watch this show, nor many others. I feel like I'm doing research so I can understand TVGasm. NBC owes you, Screampillar.
I thought the female team had a great concept - so many dogs are abandoned for the most common of causes - if people can see they were once in homes, it may make them more likely to adopt them.
Too bad their execution was... for the dogs. They stated they used actor's voice's because none of thier voices were distinctive. As if some no name actor has a distincitve voice? Marylou should have done it, she sounded good. And maybe my great-grandparent's would have recognized her from her Taxi days! Who ARE half of these people?!?
Your work is awesome Screampillar, keep it up!
5 of 11 | Posted by swimbikerun | Posted on January 14, 2008 10:41 AM
It just seems like the men have a lot more recognized celebrities than the women. Henning and Nadia were the only women (not counting - ugh! - Ahmir-oh-so) were the only women I had heard of.
Also, I'm still hoping for a live UFC vs Boxing winner-takes-all cage match in the finale.
The men's awesome voice-over alone would have made their commercial superior.
They were so right to limit the participation, too. The women's result reminded me of how Mark Twain described a camel as "A horse designed by a committee".
6 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on January 14, 2008 11:42 AM
Beautiful recap! From the cat wigs to comparing O-moron-osa to Dobby and Gollum to accurately identifying Nely as a Janice double…outstanding! (Nely, by the way, should either sue or shoot her plastic surgeon. Either move would be excusable, but her apparent coke use might be revealed in the investigation.)
Perhaps Yanosh should have waited to whine about Hydra not meeting with him and perhaps “missing the mark” without his all-important input until after he saw the resulting commercial…since the commercial perfectly captured the needed concept. Idiot.
It’s obvious Trump is keeping whomever will cause the most trouble (since Gobby botched the first task so completely, but stayed, and Nely screwed the pooch on the second task, but stayed.)
The episode left me with some questions…
Why was Nadia “searching for music” (when Nely yelled at her to get the dog crates and order lunch…they could find music at 6 o’clock if they had to) when both teams apparently had been assigned music (both using the same piano dreck.)
I thought June was adopt a cat month. Have I been duped by my local Humane Society? Or are dogs so low they have to share a month with cats?
And, lastly, where is Tito Ortiz’s neck? He just has that enormous, bulbous head sitting precariously on his steroid swollen shoulders. It’s…creepy.
7 of 11 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on January 14, 2008 12:07 PM
The chicks just don't get it...
use your celebrity.....
you have nothing else.
8 of 11 | Posted by giffordsaz | Posted on January 14, 2008 12:23 PM
Thank you so much for the recap. It was really funny. I missed this episode and NBC, not being Bravo, doesn't rerun it 80 times before next week.
Seriously. Was Nadia on last week? I don't remember seeing her at all. She didn't sell hot dogs on the street. Someone would have said "come! buy hot dog from former Olympic pixie!" Oh, that's right. The women are convinced that they're going to win this thing without leaning on their rock solid E-list status.
9 of 11 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on January 14, 2008 2:43 PM
I love how Gene Simmons and Stephen Baldwin are hogging the show for the guys. I predict that since both of them have been the project manager already, that next week's PM for the guys will lose and will be fired. Probably the redneck dude.
Too bad that Nadia never had a chance to be the PM for the women. I wonder how she would have stood up to Omarosa? Would it have been sports-themed?
10 of 11 | Posted by foxbasealpha | Posted on January 14, 2008 3:08 PM
Memememe - I think NBC replays the show on Saturday nights - at least they did with the first episode. Although with recaps like this, who needs to watch?
11 of 11 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on January 15, 2008 3:11 AM