Congratulations, friends. You've made it to the end. No doubt you are now sallow, emaciated shells of your former selves, but such is the price one must pay if one is to sit through the entire season of Celebrity Apprentice. I myself am subsisting solely on a diet of beet juice and crushed almonds, and spend all my time humming quietly to my ficus plant and doodling in a Precious Moments coloring book. Oh well. It's all worth it!
So join me on one last catastrophe - the two hour LIVE Finale / Fillerpalooza! And for the rest of you schmucks (or geniuses) who didn't watch the show but read the recaps, you may continue with what you do best: letting me do the dirty work for you.
Let me just grab a nice tall glass of beet juice and...here we go!
The camera pans directly into The Donald's face in the boardroom, where he screams at us that we started with fourteen and now we're down to two, Trace and Piers. He turns to his spawn for advice, and after their infuriatingly ambiguous input, we go right into one of my favorite parts of the live finale: the revelation that we are not in the boardroom, but in fact in front of a LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE!! The boardroom walls ascend into the heavens to reveal...what appears to be some sort of a cramped, miniature auditorium. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Remember the season two finale? Three hours at Lincoln Center, hosted by Regis Philbin and with a performance by the O'Jays? THOSE were the days.
"DENYING THE FADING OF ONE'S OWN RELEVANCY IS A THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!"
The voiceover guy gets really excited and introduces "the biggest celebrity of them all, Donald Trump!" Trump, a vision in a shiny red tie, waves at his adoring public and throws us out to our first segment, a video montage of the past twelve weeks. If you want to know what it contains, please see: all previous recaps. It ends with a summary of what happened last week with the final task, and the proclamation that this is the "greatest international battle in Apprentice history". Oh, I don't know, voiceover guy. Remember the psychological battle between me and Season 5's Sean from Britain, the guy whose face I intensely desired to punch again and again and again until nothing but a bloody stump remained?
During the commercial, we are instructed to send text messages to Trump in order to raise money for Piers' and Trace's charities. I'm on to you, Mark Burnett. Ripping off Idol Gives Back, are we? Well, I'm not giving a single dime until I see Donald Trump personally serenading a group of Somali children and squeezing a couple tears out when he learns that none of their toothbrushes are diamond-encrusted.
Okay, back to the final task. Piers is on the phone with everyone's favorite dog whistle, Sharon Osbourne. Seriously, it's a wonder strays don't just show up at her front door, wondering where the heck that shrill noise is coming from. Anyway, he gets another tea with her or something (do the British know how to do ANYTHING other than drink tea?), but now it's time for someone Bigger. Piers gets on the phone and dials up his buddy Andrew. I rack my brain, attempting to think of a famous Brit named Andrew, but nothing comes to mind, not even when the voice of Andrew picks up and exclaims in the jauntiest, most British way ever, "Good heavens!" I'm totally expecting the person on the other end to be eating a crumpet and wearing a monocle.
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Comments (11)
Screampiller, your recaps are gold!! Gold, Jerry, gold!! I have totally loved each one - and your screencaps are the only ones that make me laugh out loud! My only regret about this show being over is that I won't be able to read your snark on this anymore. Can't wait to read more of whatever you are doing. I'm not worthy!!!
1 of 11 | Posted by kdfinjpn | Posted on April 3, 2008 4:45 AM
Screampiller you were right, what a crapfest. As Trace said (referring to BSB): There's two hours of my life I'll never get back.
So glad Piers was declared the winner. I like Trace and all, but I think he benefitted greatly from editing to create the battle of good and bad we were subjected to. A few things slipped by though. He said he was going to kick Piers's ass and he also called him a bastard. Also, during the finale, I thought it was extremely cheesy and desperate when Trace talked about receiving that medal. But what really hacked me off was when he walked up to the military group seated on the stage to shake their hands. What a calculated and upstaging gesture. He walks in front of them, blocking our view of them. If he wanted to thank them for all they'd done and shake their hands, I'm sure he had ample time before/after the show or even during the commercial break immediately following. I thought that was a totally dickish move.
Ahmamoron IS a totally disgusting piece of crap and I switched channels as soon as I realized they were going to replay that whole drama. But thanks for that photo of her dressed like Rod Roddy. Priceless.
I echo kdfinjpn's sentiments about you. I can't wait for your next gig. Thanks for a screamingly snarky season.
2 of 11 | Posted by xqzmoi | Posted on April 3, 2008 5:51 AM
I think there actually might be another Celebrity Apprentice coming down the pike. The finale had really good ratings, but do people need reminding that there was a writer's strike and there was almost nothing decent on network tv. People were forced to watch it. Do you want to sit and talk to your family or watch Celebrity Apprentice? Yeah. You know the answer.
My friend interned at NBC when they had that big finale at Lincoln Center. He and I were laughing at how dog-and-pony it had become. It was a big deal back then. (Note: "back then" was 3 1/2 years ago) Oh well!!!
3 of 11 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on April 3, 2008 6:09 AM
Screampiller- please please please do more recaps of something, anything, soon! You made me laugh so hard I snorted. Grinch&AustinPLoveChild. Oh God that was funny.
Thanks for the entertainment!
4 of 11 | Posted by MrsC | Posted on April 3, 2008 10:32 AM
I laughed so hard. little flecks of pizza flew from my mouth....now I have to wipe my computer screen...Celeberty Velveteen Rabbit...I can't stop laughing!!!!! Thank you!
5 of 11 | Posted by 2funny2b4real | Posted on April 3, 2008 11:19 AM
Also, I am a fan of all things muppet (and/or grinch). The resemblences....striking!
2 Funny!!!!
6 of 11 | Posted by 2funny2b4real | Posted on April 3, 2008 11:22 AM
Screampillr - you need another show immediately. I will miss reading your hilarious recaps much more than I miss the show!
7 of 11 | Posted by BRaps | Posted on April 3, 2008 12:32 PM
In this case, especially, your recaps are MUCH more entertaining than the show itself. Thanks for sharing your talents with us!
8 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on April 3, 2008 2:12 PM
Wow that was terrific. I have not laughed that hard at any recap I've read in a long, long time. From everything about Lord Andrew to the Nick Carter/ wheatgrass juice / family boating accident to all the captions for your pictures, I was just cracking up. Great job!
Did you see that Friday Night Lights is coming back for a 3rd season? Its episodes will first air on DirectTV and then go to NBC in the winter i think. Jason Street love child!! Woooo!
9 of 11 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on April 3, 2008 8:52 PM
Excellent recap Screampllr. In my humble opinion, you are the best on this website. I thoroughly enjoyed reading every recap from this show. Keep up the good work!
10 of 11 | Posted by oliverandharry | Posted on April 4, 2008 4:32 AM
Screampillr- you MUST recap more shows! You write the most hilarious recaps! You hit the nail on the head about Randy Andy looking like Austin Powers/Grinch....too funny. Anyway, keep up the good work, hope to see more recaps from you and looking forward to the next season of FNL...if there is one??..
11 of 11 | Posted by jojobear | Posted on April 5, 2008 7:48 AM