Testimonials

Stephen Baldwin, having decided not to take his Ritalin today, is flailing all over the conference room and shouting out ideas that make little to no sense. Piers finally shuts him up and reminds everyone that he alone was able to decipher that the ink is what's important. They eventually come up with a fighting-themed concept, using Tito and Lennox to illustrate that it's a "knock-out deal".

"Okay, no one panic, but I think my heart just stopped. Isn't that CRAZY??!"

Empresario is hard at work, if by work you mean Gene shamelessly flirting with the ladies on his team and generally making everyone uncomfortable and slightly grimy-feeling. Hydra stages a sexy little photo shoot on the conference room table, with a naked Tito and a naked Lennox both passed out on top of the Kodak printer. Ah, office supply porn. If there's a better kind of porn, I haven't heard of it.

Suddenly, tragedy strikes! As everyone piles off the table, the entire thing tips over and spills our heroes onto the floor. But worse is that a wayward cup of coffee spills onto the computer that contained all of the team's art and signage. Everyone just stands around, dumbfounded, as if their collective staring and gaping will somehow cause the computer to fix itself.

How not to download Java

After the most exciting paper-toweling and compressed-air-cleaning montage ever to grace the screens of network television, we go to commercial break, which always fixes everything, right? Wrong. When we return, the men are still crowded around the now useless piece of technology, shaking their heads and lamenting the loss of their precious artwork, which as far as I can tell consisted solely of Word documents, so I'm not entirely sure what they're so worried about. Apparently without the classy touch of Comic Sans, they're doomed!

Quick, someone call the talking paper clip, he'll know what to do!

The next day, Gene, now having descended fully into madness, is still reciting his precious slogan over and over to himself. The rest of the team attempts to teach him the name of the printer, to no avail. You foolish mortals! This is Gene Simmons, the most powerful AND attractive man in America! He has not the time to dally with your heathen technology!

They set up their bus, and it does look quite professional. Gene informs us that it would be an insult to God to not let the ladies shake their asses and sell the printers (again, not making this up). Jim Cramer emerges from a shrubbery to check out the scene. Gene takes him on a tour around the bus, pointing out the slogan, which contains an obscene amount of exclamation points and, appropriately enough, repeats itself ad nauseum. When Gene Simmons dies, he will be reincarnated as this bus.

And now we cut to Team Hydra, which, as a soundtrack of plinky xylophones implies, is doing quite poorly. Their Kinko's banners look like shit, and the whole setup looks like more of a church bake sale than a Kodak experience. When Jim Cramer shows up, he starts prancing around impishly and shouting to the camera about the shoddy presentation. "I don't want to buy from a dumpster!" he shrieks. Oh, Stock Gnome. You warm my heart.

"He stole The Precious!"

Gene welcomes the Kodak execs to his bus, and proceeds to yet again repeat the slogan slowly and carefully, as one might to a child, or an illiterate hobo. They look amused and even take their pictures with the giant stand-up cut-outs of the entire Empresario team. Because nothing screams Kodak Moment like being sandwiched in between Gene Simmons and the Unknown Botox Squad.

Team Hydra, however, has a secret weapon: a megaphone. And as all those who are up on their Apprentice history know, megaphones win challenges. (I can still hear Randall Squidward's screechy voice on the wind.) Vincent Pastore is gnawing on that thing like it's a stick of salami, while Trace Adkins and the rest of the team talk up the ink. And who's this? It's Alec Baldwin, showing up to support his little brother and buy some office supplies! Stephen gives him a cringe-worthy sales pitch, and Alec admits to the camera that while there's no one more full of crap than his brother, he is a good salesman. So Alec buys two printers for $1000 each, since it's all for charity, and Piers snides that that's what a true Baldwin is. Haha. Take THAT, Stephen!

"Can Kodak do anything to stop the alarming rate at which my ears are growing?"

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Posted in Celebrity Apprentice by Screampiller at 7:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (16)
Last Comment: oliverandharry on Jan 23, 2008 04:48 PM.