With all of the hype surrounding this episode of Celebrity Apprentice (i.e. two hours long because The Donald DECREED that it should be so!!) I had no choice but to become mildly interested, if a little irked by the fact that I now have to recap two hours of crap instead of one. And I had to hand it to them - for once the hype was actually appropriate.
For the first thirty minutes. After that, I couldn't help but scream "MY GOD GET ON WITH IT" at my television every time I saw Piers Morgan's smirky face.
With that ringing endorsement, join me on a trip down faux-Mafia memory lane!
While waiting for the ladies to return to the loft, Ahmarosa blabs on about how she hopes that Cryptkeeper Carol goes home, because she thinks she's a twit. Then she gives her a big bear hug as she returns. Oh, Ahmarosa! You old softie!
Vinny, as stated last week, is giving his winnings to a pancreatic cancer research charity, in honor of his daughter's stepfather. He gives the check to his ex-wife, which is in no way awkward.
"Is this supposed to make up for seven years of back child support, VINCENT?"
The next day, amidst a torrent of gloomy rain, Trump meets the candidates at Macy's. First, The Donald informs us that Tito will not be playing this week, as he is off at a fight. Yeah, yeah. A "fight". Ten bucks Tito just needed a break from Vinny's stench. After determining project managers (Carol and Piers), Trump talks up Macy's, and then Crocs. Ugh. A challenge involving the ugliest shoe known to man. This should be exciting, and painful to my eyes. He introduces the execs, who tell the kids that their task is to create an awareness campaign and a receptacle bin for a program called Soles United, wherein Crocs are recycled to make new Crocs for some poor, unwitting children who have yet to be graced with the luxury of hideous footwear. At least the execs are a lovely couple.
"Honey, you smell like Crocs."
In the Empresario car, Ahmarosa reminds them all that Crocs really like to brand themselves using the shoe itself. I don't know if anyone else thought this at this point, but I immediately envisioned a giant Croc as the receptacle itself. It just seemed like a no-brainer. I'm really surprised it took as long as it did for them to come up with it. I guess not everyone is an ad wizard like me! *High fives self*
The teams are led to their war rooms, which are right next to each other and only separated by a flimsy glass partition. The women, unsurprisingly, are appalled. Ahmarosa looks positively scandalized. People please! No fighting in the war rooms!
Piers says that they should focus yet again on Lennox for the campaign, while Vinny, loving his new Crocs, can't help breaking out into a tap dance:
"Don't encourage him, guys."
Trace sits in the corner and quietly comes up with a brilliant slogan: Wear Them, Share Them. Haha. I really like Trace. I want him to narrate my life in that dulcet voice of his. "What's in the mail today? Bills, bills. A birthday card from Mom. Hallmark: For the moments that touch your life."
The guys go apeshit over the slogan, but the party is brought to a halt when they notice some shadowy figures listening outside their doors. And so begins the biggest and silliest war ever to grace the hallowed history books of The Apprentice.
Piers instructs Vinny to go outside and spy on the women, in the first of roughly fifty-seven Luca Brasi references of the evening. They then stage a little fight between them, which ends in a lot of swearing and schoolgirlish giggling from Stephen Baldwin. Vinny goes out into the hall, where he yells some more and inhales a baker's dozen of donuts. Eventually he knocks on the door of the ladies' war room and tells them that since he can no longer work for "that English bastard", he would be happy to offer them some help. The girls caucus for a moment, decide they need the resources, and, obliviously convinced that this is not a set-up, happily welcome Vinny onto the team.
Piers instructs Vinny to infiltrate their camp and bring back information. Stephen continues to giggle like a hyena, while Lennox and Trace pretty much ignore the entire thing. Can we just hand the trophy to these two? They seem like the only ones who can be entrusted not to spend their charity money on potato guns and party hats.
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Comments (19)
Great recap, screampiller. "emergency cannoli" = priceless. What killed me (besides the extra hour) was how Vinny blamed Pears for the whole spying mess and conveniently ignored the fact it was Vinny's idea to take his eavesdropping assingment to the next level and actually walk into the girl's meeting and be a rat. What a drama queen/moron.
1 of 19 | Posted by briar | Posted on February 5, 2008 12:30 AM
OK, not to take away from Carol Alt's success as a supermodel in any way, shape or form, as I do think she is still quite attractive. But when everyone else in show biz has their teeth bleached to where they practically glow in the dark, it makes me wonder why Carol leaves hers au naturel...For some reason it really distracted me.
2 of 19 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 5, 2008 5:16 AM
It is very strange to see Piers on an American show. I love him on the British shows, but he is being a major twat on this one. I'm not sure if he has always been like this but the shows in England don't showcase this side of him or if he feels he needs to act in a certain way because he is representing Britain. Either way, I truly dislike him on this show.
3 of 19 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on February 5, 2008 5:17 AM
Hilarious recap. Thanks for being able to sit through 2 hours of this show.
I laughed out loud, especially at the photo caption "Surrender Dorothy."
4 of 19 | Posted by Kathleen | Posted on February 5, 2008 6:43 AM
Boy, I think I made the right choice by choosing 2 hours of Pinewood Derby over this. Thanks for sitting through the horrors of Crocs and tortuous second hours for us!
5 of 19 | Posted by laska | Posted on February 5, 2008 7:40 AM
Double your salary for enduring two hours!
Even before Vinny was "outed" I knew there was no way he could continue in the game. Neither team would want him. Neither side trusts a traitor.
It points out how important loyalty is in business or politics (or are those the same thing?)
6 of 19 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 5, 2008 10:28 AM
The other thing crackin' me about this show is how The Donald keeps asking people for the correct pronunciation of their name and then everyone promptly returns to mispronouncing it.
7 of 19 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 5, 2008 12:42 PM
" I have a feeling that if the boardroom were to suddenly be invaded by a pack of Care Bears, the candidates would simply continue to argue without missing a beat, perhaps stopping only once to debate over whether or not Professor Coldheart is actually employed by an accredited university." The best line of this recap..had me laughing for 10 straight minutes.
No one can possibly be disappointed to see Luca leave. I hate listening to him attempt to talk- it sounds like he's talking through a mouthful of food. He isn't even good T.V., so why keep him around?
I could care less who wins, I just watch it so I can keep up with these superb recaps!
8 of 19 | Posted by TheGreatAndPowerfulShaz | Posted on February 5, 2008 1:10 PM
Your recaps are awesome and yes, two hours of this episode was about 110 minutes too long. I was surprised you didn't make a reference to Ahhmarosa's gigantic ass! It's days like these I wish 56" HDTV's weren't invented yet. Oh...the horror!!
9 of 19 | Posted by tarataratara | Posted on February 5, 2008 4:05 PM
tarataratara: I'm no big fan of Omarosa, but gigantic ass? In what universe? She has a body like a normal woman. Actually, she has a smaller body than a normal woman. Maybe someday people will realize that women who are naturally tiny (or starve/drug themselves to look it) like those portrayed in the media are the exception not the rule.
10 of 19 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on February 5, 2008 5:01 PM
snootchy: I guess you didn't see the shot of her wearing that wayyy too tight skirt? It made her look like she had a trash can lid underneath. I think the point was her ass was too big for her outfit. Ahmarosa needs to wear looser clothes for her, um, body type.
11 of 19 | Posted by briar | Posted on February 6, 2008 12:42 AM
Yeah, I saw the badly fitting skirt. But the woman is a size 8 at the most. I still hold to my opinion that saying a person who is a size 6 or 8 has a gigantic ass is just dumb or ill-informed.
12 of 19 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on February 6, 2008 5:55 AM
Sorry, forgot to mention: I'm all about the snark. I live for the snark! ;-) And this show gives SO much to snark on! It would have been better to snark on how badly Omarosa dresses -- and did you see that sweater dress and matching hat monstrocity? Yikes! I just hate to continue to see people knock thin women as fat. It reminds me of some guys who are arguing with a woman and run out of real things to say, so they just call them either a whore or fat. ;-)
13 of 19 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on February 6, 2008 6:01 AM
Snootchy: I was referring to her badly fitting skirt, it was just a very unflattering shot of her. Briar understood what I was trying to get at. In no way do I think she is fat. It was just another fashion blunder, one of several she is making. "Broken hats" for example. And I agree with you on your other comments. And just because someone has a gigantic ass, it doesn't imply that they are fat. At least not to me.....look at J-LO and Beyonce - two very attractive and thin women, but large butts. Sir Mix A Lot would be proud.
14 of 19 | Posted by tarataratara | Posted on February 6, 2008 9:20 AM
Glad to hear that isn't what you meant. So many people think anything above a size 2 is fat. Just a day or so ago, I saw someone criticize Kelly Rowland for being fat... wtf?!
Anyway, that skirt was horrid. I know that it is hard to see yourself from that angle, but you'd think that one of the other women would have said SOMEthing. Then again, they let Nely out in that "pants to the boobies" outfit so maybe not. Aren't these people supposed to be famous? Don't they have stylists?
15 of 19 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on February 6, 2008 4:55 PM
This is the funniest effing thing I've read in FOREVER. I LOLd at least 6 times!
Excellent recap, Screampillr.
16 of 19 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on February 6, 2008 6:27 PM
I hate crocs. I currently work in a museum (go museum) and the number of people who wear them in January in NEW YORK STATE make me want to cry or dry heave. One of the two. Especially the girl who whine about her feet getting wet. *pregnant pause*
Anyway, I managed to keep my dinner down as the crocs filled the screen making me wonder if this is Celebrity Apprentice or Product Placement 101.
Excellent recap!
Now, don't stop believin'. Hold on to that fee-
(see, I can be a wiseguy too :))
17 of 19 | Posted by renthead82 | Posted on February 6, 2008 9:18 PM
What annoys me the most about the Vincent Pastore situation is that from the beginning, he was cast as a character, not a celebrity. This would/could work under certain circumstances, but Vinny's character was "whacked" during the second season, which was many years ago, and since then, Vinny Pastore has not managed to get press coverage for much else other than beating his girlfriend. Although this fits the stereotype, I don't see any reason to cast this idiot, who once portrayed a beloved character on an excellent show, and ask both the viewers and that poor slob to play along with a one-dimensional, desperately recycled, cliche whose whacking is long overdue.
18 of 19 | Posted by boris8 | Posted on February 7, 2008 4:41 PM
I can't even single out my favorite line of your recap, Screampillr, I always laugh so hard through the whole thing (and I got my name mentioned in one of your recaps a couple of episodes ago, yay!) My favorite part of the episode was Steven's holier-crappier-than-thou move of pretending to be above it all, but at the same time telling Lennox Lewis to pick up the piece of paper with the info and pass it along, instead of picking it up himself and throwing it in the garbage, if it was such a bad thing. That attitude just reminds me of my dad, when he made a solemn promise to God that if my brother got through a bad illness, he wouldn't play the slot machines any more. What he then did to uphold his promise was hand money to whoever was with him and tell them to play the slots for him. I guess God is a GIANT SUCKER FOR LOOPHOLES! I mean, I love my dad, but gee, no wonder I turned out a nonbeliever...
19 of 19 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on February 8, 2008 6:32 PM