Know what I did last night? I went roller skating. At a roller skating rink. And hoo boy, it was a blast. It was as if the twelve-year-old hidden inside me suddenly broke free in a rush of fun, whimsy, and repeated travel around a wooden track in an orderly fashion. True, I got a blister. And true, at one point I was tackled by an elderly disco-skating man. But I recovered with a fair amount of dignity.
How does a roller skating rink relate to this week's Celebrity Apprentice, you ask? Both feature a lot of this:
We begin this week with Ahmarosa in the Academy Award spirit, telling the camera that Mr. Trump "really, really likes me," and babbling on in other various melodramatic idiocies. There is some more rehashing of last week's fight but I honestly can't stand this woman anymore so I just don't want to talk about it. I'm going to my ROOM! Leave me ALONE!
Best Supporting Asshat
Then it's time for the Obligatory Heartbreaking Charity Donation Scene, wherein Piers calls up the head of the Intrepid Heroes Fund and informs him that his charity will be receiving a shitload of money. And the result of this is that Piers has a mini-breakthrough, confessing to the camera that this has been a wake-up call and that he has now remembered the real reason he's here. Which, as we all know, is the abundance of free muffins that magically appear in the kitchen each morning. And SPEAKING of which, you know what's been absent this season? The hilarious early mornings with our plucky candidates tottering around in their pajamas and moaning like zombies. Why no wake-up calls at 5am from Trump's secretary of the week? And don't tell me it's because Stevey B can't suffer the indignity of being seen in his onesie.
The next day, the candidates arrive at a helipad outside the city. How they knew where to meet without a phone call from Annette the secretary is beyond me. Perhaps Trump's hair also functions as a homing device. The Donald arrives and tells the kids that their task this week is to create a ten-minute live infomercial for QVC. Yes! I pump my fist into the air triumphantly. I LOVE live QVC challenges! The frantic screeching, the shouting of low low prices, the boundless opportunities for bumbling idiocy. It's all great.
The teams fly off to Pennsylvania in helicopters (the ONLY way to travel to Pennsylvania) and arrive at the QVC headquarters. Hydra immediately gets stuck with the goofy oboe soundtrack, which as we all know means that incompetence is imminent. Sure enough, we then cut to Lennox Lewis, who is yawning and barely conscious because, as Piers smugly explains, he was up late last night drinking and is now hungover and exhausted.
"Oh, man. How many trannies did I take home last night?"
Piers insists that Lennox be the talent yet again, but Lennox protests, saying that he wants to be behind the scenes. "I'm a heavyweight boxing champion, but what I really want to do is direct," he quips. Lennox, you're hilarious! Now shut up and pose with the damn boxing gloves.
The teams then get a look at the products they have to choose from, which include a magnifying mirror, a utility tool kit, a bamboo storage drawer, a frying pan, an electric sweeper, and a ladder that turns into a cart. I know what you're thinking. A bamboo storage drawer? Where's my CREDIT CARD??!
It holds scissors AND forks! I will take five of these RIGHT NOW.
Both teams are immediately and ridiculously enamored with the damn ladder, gushing for what seems like hours over what really amounts to a glorified stepstool. Celebrities, you see, are simple folk. Just give them a piece of string and some bubble wrap and they'll be occupied for hours.
Negotiation time! Both teams want the ladder. They start talking at each other all challengingly and corporate-like, as if to say "We are BUSINESSPEOPLE. Watch us BUSINESS." Okay, so we're gonna get some cool negotiating then, right? Because it's Negotiation Time? Nope. Coin toss. To be fair, I'm sure this is how The Donald works out all of his deals:
"HEADS - I PURCHASE THE MOON, TAILS - I TAKE IT BY FORCE."
After an impassioned plea from Stevey B to God to help him win the coin toss, Empresario loses and Hydra bounds off with their precious ladder. Stevey B explains this away by saying that the ladder was just not meant to be. Yes, it was fate. God clearly doesn't want humans climbing up to be closer to heaven. Especially none of those meddling Baldwins.
Jesus called. He hates you.
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Comments (8)
Marilu: 30 minute lips, anyone?
1 of 8 | Posted by buttmunch | Posted on February 26, 2008 10:24 AM
Scream I finally just had to post. I don't even actually watch this show, but I read all your recaps on it. They are just too hysterical.
Thanks for helping my work day go by faster =)
Oh and "Jesus called. He hates you" was just too much. My co-workers wondered what I was laughing so hard at.
2 of 8 | Posted by pixi-stix | Posted on February 26, 2008 10:40 AM
Isn't it every little girl's dream to someday be referred to as "a high quality woman" by Donald Trump? Romantical sigh...
3 of 8 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on February 26, 2008 11:35 AM
Funny!
I'd buy the vac only if the adorable QVC girl delivered it.
How could anyone NOT want the ladder? Am I the only one who noticed that it is also a CART??
4 of 8 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on February 26, 2008 2:59 PM
Great recap as always. And I don't even watch this show. I also love that you've stuck with calling Stephen "Stevey B."
My only complaint is that the recap was only 3 pages. I guess I should be glad though that you can manage to milk 3 hilarious pages from this dead horse of a show.
5 of 8 | Posted by Tigermilk | Posted on February 26, 2008 3:33 PM
Ivanka smolders..LOL! She really does! She always looks totally pissed! Glad that Trace's team won again.It was funny how Trump was so blown away by the nut and bolt sweeping abilties of the wonder-vac. Maybe he'll get one for Melania. HA!
6 of 8 | Posted by jojobear | Posted on February 26, 2008 3:55 PM
I think your caption of "Jesus called. He hates you." was very insulting.
He has people to do that for him. ;-)
7 of 8 | Posted by snootchy bootches | Posted on February 27, 2008 6:21 AM
This has to be one of the funniest recaps. Ever. You got me with "cute as a button co-host...shooting puppies and sunshine..." I was eating Cheerios at the time and almost choked I was laughing so hard! Keep up the excellent work! I can't wait for the next recap.
8 of 8 | Posted by oliverandharry | Posted on February 27, 2008 5:07 PM