Yesterday I saw a woman fall down a flight of stairs and face plant into the floor. It was hilarious. After recovering from my internal fits of laughter, I went over to help her up and she was fine, if not a little bruised, disoriented, and humiliated. I sympathized readily, as I myself had just finished watched another episode of Celebrity Apprentice.
Hey-o!
Anyone?
Stevey B picks up the phone, calls his mother, and asks if she knows who he is. A valid concern. If I were Stevey B's mother I'd try and remove him from my memory as often as possible. He tells her in an extreeeemely slow fashion, as if she were deaf or possibly retarded, that he won her some more money. She squeals in delight. Also, he keeps calling her honey, which is either really odd or really gay. My money's on both.
The teams meet Trump the next morning in the lobby of Hearst Tower, the wackiest-looking building in New York. Their task this week is to create a four-page ad in Redbook for Dial Soap Yogurt Body Wash, or something like that. I become a little distracted because yay a body wash challenge! The last one in season 3 was met with such disastrous results, I'm quivering with excitement. Or could just be mild amusement. Yeah, that's probably it. To quote myself: "Ha. Body wash."
CavewomanChic™
Anyway, Ahmarosa immediately pipes up to her team to inform them that she'd like to be PM. Trump then tells the teams that the PM has a pretty good chance of being fired. Suddenly, the PM position is back up for grabs! Ahmarosa, the sniveling little assclown, immediately tries to pass it back off to someone else, and Tito takes the bait. All of this conniving, meanwhile, is taking place while The Donald is still bellowing in the background, which I find quite amusing.
"SECRETS SECRETS ARE NO FUN."
Hydra meets with the execs, who I must imagine are quite clean at all times. The Redbook lady starts right in on the fancy corporate jargon, telling them that their advertorial needs to be appropriate to Redbook's demographic. Got it. So the ad should feature cougars and tubs full of ice cream and regret. Piers more or less asks them if they're allowed to be dirty, since the readers of Redbook are apparently a horny bunch. Dial gives it the go-ahead, as long as it's not tasteless. So all aboard the smutty train!
"We're clean!"
In Empresario's meeting, however, the execs give off a much more homey feel, saying that Dial is about family and Redbook is all about Trace Adkins. She says that they have a huge readership from the middle of the country, and that they often put country singers on the cover of the magazine. Whatever, REDbook lady. We all know you're just covering up for your FILTHY COMMIE PROPAGANDA.
As Hydra gets into the studio, Piers points out that Carol should be the model, since she's in the right demographic and she would give them a big advantage. Carol is reluctant, since this strategy didn't work out too well for Marilu last week and Trump said that there's a strong change the PM would get fired over this. Unless she slips a little nip.
Empresario decides to go with a country theme for their ad, which will also feature Trace. Ahmarosa isn't completely on board but she goes along with the guys since they seem to keep coming up with the right ideas. Also, she pronounces Tito's name as Tito Ortez, which in the grand tradition of mispronouncing everyone's name this season leads me to conclude that none of the contestants on this show were ever really formally introduced.
We then get a massive cockstroking opus from Stevey B on how uniquely he is able to see what the camera sees, and how all of his friends tell him he's so talented he could run a studio. "Into the ground" is what he's leaving out. They get a bunch of shots of Trace playing guitar for a girl in a bath, which to me just seems a little creepy. I wouldn't want to settle into my nice backyard bathtub only to find a musical stranger lording over me and delivering serenades that I did not request.
"Um...security?"
The Hydra Intern Squad, meanwhile, is hard at work:
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Comments (11)
There's no advertorial in the world going to make me buy body wash made out of yogurt because all I can picture is squirting out mold onto my bath pouf. Seriously, how does this work - do you have to refrigerate this body wash or what? Do you smell like rotten milk after using it? Ugh. Stevey B wins the douchebag award for this episode, first for calling his mother Honey, and second for repeating his stupid "specs" line way too many times. Trying too hard, eh, guvna???
1 of 11 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on March 3, 2008 3:31 AM
Also, what was up with Lennox telling the other male model to "get up in there like you're gonna get some too"?? Hoping that was his idea of a joke, because "the middle of the country" is not quite that liberal.
2 of 11 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on March 3, 2008 5:40 AM
That was one of the funniest recaps I have ever read- seriously. I can't bring myself to watch the show (I value my eternal soul too much) but I don't have to! And it could not possibly be as entertaining as this recap. I do have to say about the show- who cares Donald? Really! Who cares about whether these people win or not? I can only assume that this edition of The Apprentice will be the stake in the heart it deserves. Real people competing for jobs are sort of interesting. Celebrities competing for....what is it? That's right...who cares! is just really, really pathetic. Wow, an early morning rant- I'm spent!
3 of 11 | Posted by bing blog boy | Posted on March 3, 2008 7:28 AM
Too true, absolutely hilarious recap. I was terrified someone was going to pass my office and see me doing the silent guffaw.
Steve was insultingly creepy with his mother. I got no impaired vibe when she was on the show before yet he spoke to her like she was an imbecile. My Mom yelled at me that I better never talk to her like that no matter how old and feeble she becomes because she would still whip my ass [and probably make me cut my own dang switch too] :)
Omarosa is so transparent. She jumped all over the PM position then dropped it like a hot potato when the Donald says PM will be on the chopping block. Oh and Trace looked very nice for a man his age, but no way should they have used that shirtless shot. It was completely tasteless. Omarosa's reactions were disgustingly lecherous. She acted like she was at a strip club.
OK, did no one get the really tasteless part of the Hydra campaign? Here is Carol putting on the wife and mother routine. the two page spread has her with baby and presumably hubby in a couple of pictures, but then in the last photo she is with another man. So are we to presume that for a woman to have a full life she must marry and produce a child with one man but get her shoulder biting from an illicit affair? Maybe we were supposed to infer that after the down and dirty sex with baldy she washes up with the Yogurt wash before going home to hubby and little baby bunting.
Tito was so embarrassingly bad during his presentation and I loved your take on it, particularly the photo with the Miss Whoever type caption.
WTF was up with Tito saying Omarosa was the most useful team member??? Is the man insane? I don't care if she was a good worker, you never give that woman an ounce of credit for anything.
Oh and no I'm not buying any soap product with yogurt. Both of them had women soaking in the tub and I just kept thinking how the poor girl's kitty was percolating a yeast infection from bathing in the yogurt. I don't care if a YI is an unrealistic expectation of bathing in a Yogurt based product, its the connotaion that comes to my mind and it turns me off. Nope, not buying.
4 of 11 | Posted by Splotchie | Posted on March 3, 2008 8:43 AM
"It's called grooming, Carol. Try it sometime."
LOL
5 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on March 3, 2008 12:30 PM
This recap was hilarious, even more so than the show itself! I missed Stevie B calling his mother "honey." What a weirdo douche.
6 of 11 | Posted by greeneyes | Posted on March 3, 2008 1:16 PM
what bothered me about omarosa this ep. was that she LIED to trump's face and said she didn't push PM on tito. has she even been PM once this season?
and i agree, SPLOTCHIE. if any one had acted the way omarosa did in a professional setting, he would have gotten fired. and i hate to say this, but if a man had reacted upon seeing shirtless female models the way omarosa did, he would have gotten called out.
7 of 11 | Posted by bonita | Posted on March 3, 2008 6:40 PM
Splotchie, you are very observant. I didn't even notice it was a different guy between the "family photo" and the biting photo. I am looking forward to seeing if this actual same photo spread shows up in Redbook, or did I miss it already?
8 of 11 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on March 4, 2008 4:03 AM
I started to laugh out loud when I got to the description of Carol's flora, and completely lost it at Tito's presentation. It was my misfortune to read this recap just as a Wilford Brimley commercial was playing on my T.V., thereby reinforcing your vision of what could have been and causing me to snort my coffee out my nose.
Nice touch having the captions under The Donald all in caps so I read 'em shouting just like he says things.
You make this show a lot more fun than it actually is.
9 of 11 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 5, 2008 9:14 AM
Fear not, Splotchie! Yogurt is actually a cure for urinary tract infections, so although marinating in a tub of it may be unappealing, at least it won't leave your britney injured or itchy...
10 of 11 | Posted by Nemesiis | Posted on March 5, 2008 4:05 PM
I LOLd all the way through this one, once again. Screampillr will you pretty please recap Girlicious? It is absolutely begging for your touch!!
11 of 11 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on March 5, 2008 8:39 PM