Piers has managed to convince Carol to be the model in the ad, so she gets to work, running the shoot and giving instructions to the crew. My favorite is when she's talking to the makeup people and telling them that she wants a lot of softness in the face, then the scene cuts to a shot of a crew member pushing a roller through a paint tray. Nice work, editors. Should have also added someone yelling "We'll need a couple gallons of spackle as well!"
Ahmarosa comes up with the idea of putting Trace in a shot with a couple other male models, all of them with their shirts off, since this is a magazine catering to horny older women. She explains that women want sexy fantasies. And she's right. I can't tell you how many steamy Dial soap advertorials are covering my ceiling.
Trace is hilarious though, insisting that he has the "tan of a vampire" and resembles "a cadaver". Haha. I'd like Trace to live in my house and just pop up to say things like that whenever I demand him to. Ahmarosa starts hooting and melodramatically fanning herself, which only leads me to the conclusion that not only is she a shameless drama queen, but she probably also hasn't gotten laid in what must be years. Who would bed that fucktard? Ivanka shows up to ogle Trace as well, and says that the pictures are beautiful but it'll be interesting to see what the Dial execs think. Because if there's one thing that corporate health product heads want to see, it's long-haired, vampiric musicians hawking their sensual yogurt body wash.
Also, am I the only one who envisioned an ad featuring someone taking a bath in a tub full of yogurt sprinkled with some granola? Or maybe some oatmeal? Perhaps with Wilford Brimley in the background muttering something about diabetes?
Piers snidely mocks Lennox some more while Carol fondles a plastic baby. Just another day at the office! Then it's time to shoot the bedroom scenes with Carol and the male model. Things get pretty steamy and, as soon as another male model inexplicably shows up into the scene, a little gay. Compounding the awkwardness is the ever-present George, who stoutly refuses to leave.
"Back in my day, we did it through a hole in the wall."
Back over at Empresario, Ahmarosa argues that they need to put the shirtless Trace shot into the ad, as that's what the demographic wants to see. Tito tends to agree with Ahmarosa, but Stevey B is adamant about not including the Trace pics, because he apparently thinks that middle-aged women would rather look at younger girls with perky breasts. Better get back on the horn with mom and see what she thinks, Stevey B. (After clearly identifying yourself, of course.)
"Yeah, I always keep a bottle of Dial Yogurt body wash in my back pocket. It's what I do."
Piers presents Hydra's advertorial to Trump and the execs. He makes a big deal out of Carol being the model, then shows the rest of the ad, which features yogurt facts (Yogurt Fact #54: Is the keeper of the Schwartz and sworn enemy of Dark Helmet) and, naturally, a bouquet of flowers sprigging forth from Carol's vagina!
It's called grooming, Carol. Try it sometime.
Oh, but we're not done yet. The last page in the ad features Carol being bitten by a randy suitor. "IS HE BITING HER?" blares Trump. The execs look a little miffed, while The Donald looks rather intrigued, perhaps out of a desire to try this move out on Milania.
"I USUALLY PREFER TO JUST CUDDLE."
Empresario's turn. Ahmarosa gives a smooth presentation, which isn't surprising, as her entire life is a presentation and seems to be always scripted. But then Tito takes over and the trainwreck begins. His presentation is AWFUL. He forgets the term "body wash", stutters and stumbles over his words, forgets the English language, and manages to utter the following, which I hesitate to call a sentence: "We used Trace because the demographics which we did have were from ladies ranging from the age of twenty...er...thirty to fifty-nine which most country folk ladies that would love Trace's kind of to push the product exactly." Well said, Tito. You're sure to win task reward money to the charity success exactly.
"...Some people out there in our nation don't have yogurt body wash, and I believe that our hygiene education like such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like such as..."
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Comments (11)
There's no advertorial in the world going to make me buy body wash made out of yogurt because all I can picture is squirting out mold onto my bath pouf. Seriously, how does this work - do you have to refrigerate this body wash or what? Do you smell like rotten milk after using it? Ugh. Stevey B wins the douchebag award for this episode, first for calling his mother Honey, and second for repeating his stupid "specs" line way too many times. Trying too hard, eh, guvna???
1 of 11 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on March 3, 2008 3:31 AM
Also, what was up with Lennox telling the other male model to "get up in there like you're gonna get some too"?? Hoping that was his idea of a joke, because "the middle of the country" is not quite that liberal.
2 of 11 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on March 3, 2008 5:40 AM
That was one of the funniest recaps I have ever read- seriously. I can't bring myself to watch the show (I value my eternal soul too much) but I don't have to! And it could not possibly be as entertaining as this recap. I do have to say about the show- who cares Donald? Really! Who cares about whether these people win or not? I can only assume that this edition of The Apprentice will be the stake in the heart it deserves. Real people competing for jobs are sort of interesting. Celebrities competing for....what is it? That's right...who cares! is just really, really pathetic. Wow, an early morning rant- I'm spent!
3 of 11 | Posted by bing blog boy | Posted on March 3, 2008 7:28 AM
Too true, absolutely hilarious recap. I was terrified someone was going to pass my office and see me doing the silent guffaw.
Steve was insultingly creepy with his mother. I got no impaired vibe when she was on the show before yet he spoke to her like she was an imbecile. My Mom yelled at me that I better never talk to her like that no matter how old and feeble she becomes because she would still whip my ass [and probably make me cut my own dang switch too] :)
Omarosa is so transparent. She jumped all over the PM position then dropped it like a hot potato when the Donald says PM will be on the chopping block. Oh and Trace looked very nice for a man his age, but no way should they have used that shirtless shot. It was completely tasteless. Omarosa's reactions were disgustingly lecherous. She acted like she was at a strip club.
OK, did no one get the really tasteless part of the Hydra campaign? Here is Carol putting on the wife and mother routine. the two page spread has her with baby and presumably hubby in a couple of pictures, but then in the last photo she is with another man. So are we to presume that for a woman to have a full life she must marry and produce a child with one man but get her shoulder biting from an illicit affair? Maybe we were supposed to infer that after the down and dirty sex with baldy she washes up with the Yogurt wash before going home to hubby and little baby bunting.
Tito was so embarrassingly bad during his presentation and I loved your take on it, particularly the photo with the Miss Whoever type caption.
WTF was up with Tito saying Omarosa was the most useful team member??? Is the man insane? I don't care if she was a good worker, you never give that woman an ounce of credit for anything.
Oh and no I'm not buying any soap product with yogurt. Both of them had women soaking in the tub and I just kept thinking how the poor girl's kitty was percolating a yeast infection from bathing in the yogurt. I don't care if a YI is an unrealistic expectation of bathing in a Yogurt based product, its the connotaion that comes to my mind and it turns me off. Nope, not buying.
4 of 11 | Posted by Splotchie | Posted on March 3, 2008 8:43 AM
"It's called grooming, Carol. Try it sometime."
LOL
5 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on March 3, 2008 12:30 PM
This recap was hilarious, even more so than the show itself! I missed Stevie B calling his mother "honey." What a weirdo douche.
6 of 11 | Posted by greeneyes | Posted on March 3, 2008 1:16 PM
what bothered me about omarosa this ep. was that she LIED to trump's face and said she didn't push PM on tito. has she even been PM once this season?
and i agree, SPLOTCHIE. if any one had acted the way omarosa did in a professional setting, he would have gotten fired. and i hate to say this, but if a man had reacted upon seeing shirtless female models the way omarosa did, he would have gotten called out.
7 of 11 | Posted by bonita | Posted on March 3, 2008 6:40 PM
Splotchie, you are very observant. I didn't even notice it was a different guy between the "family photo" and the biting photo. I am looking forward to seeing if this actual same photo spread shows up in Redbook, or did I miss it already?
8 of 11 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on March 4, 2008 4:03 AM
I started to laugh out loud when I got to the description of Carol's flora, and completely lost it at Tito's presentation. It was my misfortune to read this recap just as a Wilford Brimley commercial was playing on my T.V., thereby reinforcing your vision of what could have been and causing me to snort my coffee out my nose.
Nice touch having the captions under The Donald all in caps so I read 'em shouting just like he says things.
You make this show a lot more fun than it actually is.
9 of 11 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 5, 2008 9:14 AM
Fear not, Splotchie! Yogurt is actually a cure for urinary tract infections, so although marinating in a tub of it may be unappealing, at least it won't leave your britney injured or itchy...
10 of 11 | Posted by Nemesiis | Posted on March 5, 2008 4:05 PM
I LOLd all the way through this one, once again. Screampillr will you pretty please recap Girlicious? It is absolutely begging for your touch!!
11 of 11 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on March 5, 2008 8:39 PM