This week I met a woman with a service dog, but she wasn't visually impaired. Rather, she had a heart condition, and the dog was trained to be able to sense when her heart rate increased, and nudge her in the leg so she would sit down instead of passing out from a standing position. I had never heard of such a thing before, and I was pretty amazed by the fact that dogs can do this. It made me want to do something good, to give back to the world in some way.
Then I watched Celebrity Apprentice, and remembered the true meaning of life: to hold petty grudges and amass as many famous friends as humanly possible.
We begin this week with Ahmarosa, Trace, and Stevie B returning to the suite. Piers repeatedly scolds the other guys for stabbing Tito in the back, which they all sort of brush off because he chants the same damn thing every week. I'll bet you anything this will lead to some sort of boy-who-cried-wolf situation. One day, Piers is going to be physically stabbed in the back, and no one will believe his cries for help. Boy, will he be red with embarrassment! Also, blood.
But now is no time for hypothetical homicide, though that is a great name for a band. No, it's time for Trump to show us his solid gold apartment. The teams assemble there, and I can surmise no other reason for doing so other than for Trump to yell about how amazing his abode is and how many immigrants died in the gilding process.
Oh, wait, it's so he can parade out his plastic family. Milania arrives with little Barron, who's dressed all up in a fancy little suit and has, unfortunately, taken after his father in the hair department. Trump blares that some people have called this the "THE GREATEST APARTMENT IN THE WORLD" while Milania looks on blankly, most likely because her husband is using too many large words, like "the". The Donald asks The Barron what he would like to do when he grows up, and the kid squeaks out something that sort of sounds like "business". The candidates have a hearty laugh, probably because they can sense that snipers are poised and ready to take them down if they don't.
"BRING ME A COOKIE. THE BARRON DEMANDS IT!"
Trump continues to update the group on the progress of little Barron, even though no one asked. Everyone appears to be fairly amused, with the blatant exception of a couple of Jealous Jennies.
"You poisoned the baby food caviar, right?"
Trump blares that the task this week is to sell art. Ah, the art challenge. Let the false pretentiousness begin! The teams are to pick an artist and sell their pieces at the Moti Hassan Gallery, and whoever makes the most money wins. The PMs are Piers and Ahmarosa, who points out that this was the task that she got fired on in the first season. Oh, Ahmarosa. You idiot. Why not just wear your "My PM record is 0-3 and I'm a colossal bitch!" sandwich board while you're at it?
The music intensifies as Trump sends them off, along with some melodramatic close-ups of the candidates, then Trump, then, amusingly, Barron.
Dun dun DUN
Empresario meets with Moti Hasson (who may or may not be a villain from 24), and Ahmarosa talks to him in that weird way that no other human being talks. It's like she's reading cue cards or auditioning for a high school musical. She asks if there are any tricks of the trade, and he advises her to follow her heart. Then they all break into song and bust out some bitchin' jazz squares.
Trace points out that there are only a few pieces of art that resemble anything, as compared to the rest of it, which he classifies as "three-year-old threw up on a canvas" stuff. Which is ironic because I'm betting that if The Barron threw up on a canvas it would probably sell for more than whatever these yahoos are ever going to make.
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Comments (11)
Yes I was happy to see Ahm fired but it was kinda painful to sit through the whole show. Totally agree lame to show off family and best apt in the world.
POor Trace I think he WAS sleeping.
Donald a little homophobic maybe?
Thanks for the great recap, very funny!
1 of 11 | Posted by sweetleaf | Posted on March 11, 2008 9:04 AM
That was short but HILARIOUS....lol
2 of 11 | Posted by missmissy | Posted on March 11, 2008 10:18 AM
Great recap! You'd think Omarosa would have learned something when she did the task (and got fired) the first time around. But she's gone and that's all that counts. Now if they'd only get rid of Stevie B, or as I'll always think of him now, Catastrophe of Biblical Proportions.
3 of 11 | Posted by greeneyes | Posted on March 11, 2008 11:15 AM
Can we all agree that we don't ever care to see her again? Good riddance!
Trace clearly didn't "get" the irony Piers was conveying. I really think he felt he was being insulted and had to overcome his natural inclination to squeeze Piers until his head popped off (Hey! Now wouldn't THAT have been worth watching?).
Astute observations, Scr.
4 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on March 11, 2008 2:03 PM
Omarosa, Ponderosa, Whatever,
Wish we'd miss ya.
See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!
Of course you're like a big New York rat. You'll probably survive and climb up out of somebody's toilet wearing that now stained white beret you had on when the CAB OF SHAME left the curb...and scare the living HELL out of some old geezer who served our country.
See ya at the next crappy "has beens" reality show.
5 of 11 | Posted by rhoda | Posted on March 11, 2008 4:58 PM
Ding dong, the f'ing witch is dead!!! I've given up on that show but thanks for bringing me that fantastic news in a great recap.
Although, I wish just this once that the fired contestant had to run through a field of jasmine and honeysuckle. Naked. Covered in honey.
6 of 11 | Posted by Snarky | Posted on March 11, 2008 5:23 PM
Hee-the Barron picture made me want to say,"Damien, put the dog down!"
It's sad to see a 2 year old with a comb over.
COMBOVERS ARE A MILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!
7 of 11 | Posted by buttmunch | Posted on March 11, 2008 9:19 PM
Wicked recap Screampillr! The screencap of Ivanka and Don was hysterical...it made me chuckle out loud. Can't wait to read your next one.
8 of 11 | Posted by oliverandharry | Posted on March 13, 2008 4:36 AM
OMG, great recap, it brought it all back to me. That was one of the funniest, if not the funniest episodes ever. I've had to rewatch the boardroom over and over. Such a treat to see Piers kick the living shit out of Omarosa the Vile.
Say what you want, but THE DONALD has some strong genetic material. Every one of his kids look exactly like him, the Moms are completely irrelevant. I can't stand his apartment. It is so vulgarly opulent its ugly. I wonder if they have a back room that is just comfy and cozy. Oh and you saw that Melania couldn't put Baron down, no way is that room baby proofed.
9 of 11 | Posted by Splotchie | Posted on March 13, 2008 11:47 AM
Screampillr, you are quickly becoming my favorite recapper. Those opening stories you tell about roller skating or seeing-heart dogs crack me up! Love you.
I'm starting to think my favorite, Trace, could actually win this thing! He's the best.
10 of 11 | Posted by BRaps | Posted on March 14, 2008 7:14 AM
I think he's a cute baby and that IVANKA is just amazingly beautiful.
This from a gay man.
I'm rooting for Piers or Trace or Carol.
11 of 11 | Posted by weasel dearest | Posted on March 14, 2008 5:09 PM