Yes, this is the world's gayest gecko.

It's Do or Die week here on Celebrity Circus.. At least that's what Pudgy Fatone is telling me. Oh, but it's also Judgment Day according to Louie. But things here just aren't what they used to be. Peter Brady had to drop out of the competition and now there's a severe lack of hilariously incurred injuries on the show (the slow-motion video edit of him falling and re-breaking his arm was better than a free tank of gas). Four celebutards will become three, and it's THE FINAL COUNTDOWN. What should I do to stay alive? Go to the local Red Cross and beg for some transfusions of optimistic type O blood? Or cryogenically freeze myself and have you wake me up when this is over?

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And now he's in me, always with me, tiny gangsta in my hand...

Dear juddfan and mullymoon (No doubt LeeH has stopped reading to do something productive like watch Paula Deen on Food Network),

Congratulations! You are the only two people to ever read this. I am so glad I didn't apply to grad school so I could earn a Ph.D in English and spend six years on a dissertation that perhaps three people will skim. Because it would cost a helluva lot more, but feel vaguely similar. I could be stuffing my face with delicious babyback ribs and Shiner Bock, since I am in Austin for the first time ever. But I love you kids and I have a hard time kicking that ingrained Asian work ethic, so I am ponying up $9.99 for hotel wireless and relinquishing the shreds of my dignity to give you...Celebrity Circus!

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Antonio Sabato Junior wants you to STOP watching this show.

Celebrity Circus, you're like the ultimate cockroach. You resist radiation, survive FOX's attempts to kill you by way of lukewarm ratings, and thrive despite Joey Fatone's penchant for dressing like a total assclown. May you be plagued by a thousand violin-playing midgets on flaming tricycles made of swizzle sticks!

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"But Daddy, you said this was Hannah Montana! WAH!"

Last week on the first episode of the fifth 'Gasm show that starts with the word "Celeb," I was reminded that things could be worse. I am pretty sure none of you are watching this show. I could be recapping American Inventor all over again. I could be attempting a root canal with the pack of tiny tools included with Ikea furniture (while sitting in an Ikea chair, of course). I could be force-fed Pinkberry until I spewed fake frozen yogurt everywhere. It was pretty atrocious but I was hoping I'd have some company. 'Cause honestly, would it kill NBC to air this show at 2X the normal speed instead of taking up one and a half hour? That would make Celebrity Circus almost bearable. Almost.

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"No one warned me about the cameltoe."

Jesus tapdancing Christ. How is Ryan Seacrest suddenly plump, brunette, and bearded? Oh hai, Joey Fatone. I briefly thought this was an episode of N'SYNC's greatest hits revisited (I'd call it "Behind the Bye Bye Bye"), but it's all coming back to me. American Idol is over, but I still have a melisma hangover. So what do you get when you combine the producing talents and creative force behind Fear Factor and The Amazing Race? Celebrity Circus, of course -- let the three ring spandex spectacle begin!

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