"But Daddy, you said this was Hannah Montana! WAH!"
Last week on the first episode of the fifth 'Gasm show that starts with the word "Celeb," I was reminded that things could be worse. I am pretty sure none of you are watching this show. I could be recapping American Inventor all over again. I could be attempting a root canal with the pack of tiny tools included with Ikea furniture (while sitting in an Ikea chair, of course). I could be force-fed Pinkberry until I spewed fake frozen yogurt everywhere. It was pretty atrocious but I was hoping I'd have some company. 'Cause honestly, would it kill NBC to air this show at 2X the normal speed instead of taking up one and a half hour? That would make Celebrity Circus almost bearable. Almost.
Pudgy Fatone is really ramping up the circus-themed language. Three leotarded professionals are spinning endlessly behind him, in the hopes it will distract us from the hairy tumor eating his face. Oh, wait, that's just his face.
But I look like Johnny Depp in this! Or at least one of his victims from Sweeney Todd!
His bristly hair is so out of control, it'd make a really efficient toilet scrubber. Just sayin'. Our stars are reintroduced, and I start to fidget on the couch. TV can cause ADHD, right? Antonio Sabato Junior is still topless. All's right with the world. Dionne's wearing a bedazzled top that is clearly the collaboration of designers from Forever 21, Frederick's of Hollywood, and that store on Hollywood Blvd. called Forplay (yep, the name is not missing an e).
C-L-A-S-S-I-E. The new hit single from Fergie.
Rachel's makeup artist hates her, but loves the colors of toxic ooze and slime. Very Ninja Turtles. Can someone dress her as Gizmo from Gremlins already?
Chris Knight's costumed as the homeless panhandler you want to set on fire. Blu Cantrell is dead to me. Janet Evans' outfit did not change from last week, except for the figure skating skirt they threw on top of it.
Why can't I just recap episodes of Unwrapped? I love that it features Marc Summers, who hosted Double Dare while struggling with OCD. So sometimes the camera will catch him compulsively rearranging the food on the plate, and he never visits the locations he does the voiceovers for. This makes for a much more amusing show. I love Food Network so. And I want to recap how awesome the Drumstick factory is and what makes frozen custard different from ice cream (20% air versus 50% air. Also, custard is served at a higher temperature). Sigh. On with the show.
There was a flashback of last week's episode that shall be ignored, because I, unlike NBC, do not want to insult your intelligence or imply that you have Alzheimer's or induce post-traumatic stress disorder. It would probably benefit you to have short-term memory loss. Just remember that Blu threw a hissy fit at Aurelia and basically challenged her to a trapeze-off. Which means tonight's elimination will be a shitshow.
Who's first to be safe? Let me skip through 15 minutes of unnecessary dawdling and tell you that Dionne (broken rib and all), ASJ, and Janet Evans (the dark horse!) are safe. You know, people with work ethics and social grace.
Dionne's doing the Cerceau (giant spinny hula hoop) this week. Think anyone ever puked during practice? She performed her routine halfway through the week and the original music just didn't work. OH NOES. STRESS. TEARS. Let me psychoanalyze her video confession. Stacey Dash is an uber-perfectionist, and appears to really beat herself up for not doing well. The salt in her wound is that she appears to works incredibly hard but hasn't ever landed the role that would enable her to break out as an actress. In a bit of foreshadowing and smart editing, she confides she is not confident this week and probably won't maintain the lead. Thanks for telling me what happens before it happens. Sad panda.
I forget if they ever mention that she selected entirely different music, because what I hear is KT Tunstall's "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" and what I see is Bedazzled Ho 40 Feet Up in the Air Without a Net. Or sufficiently pointed toes. The song makes no sense when juxtaposed with her Victoria's Secret Angel of Sin outfit.
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Comments (5)
Great recap! I don't watch teh show, but I enjoy your hilarious recaps.
And I have to echo the Food Network love. Is there anyone better than Paula Deen? I think not.
1 of 5 | Posted by LeeH | Posted on June 23, 2008 4:41 PM
LeeH: You are absolutely right, and I'm so glad you share my love of Food Network.
"You know it's a good recipe if it starts with a stick of butter." -- Paula Deen
Maybe next week I'll just embed some recipes within the Celebrity Circus filler segments! I really am the only person watching this show.
2 of 5 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on June 23, 2008 6:32 PM
you know its diabetes if it starts with a stick of butter.
blu cant-talk-good.
oh, i went there.
3 of 5 | Posted by hugostop | Posted on June 23, 2008 6:58 PM
Sadly, I am watching this show. It was your recap from last week that dragged me in...and I have to say, that Aurelis (sp.) is one crazy bitch. Ick.
Great job with the recaps! They're hilarious! Way better than the show!
I am voting (not really) for ASJ to win. He's the total package. Janet Evan's smile is just too blinding.
4 of 5 | Posted by mullymoon | Posted on June 24, 2008 10:44 AM
Man! T.Vo, you and flip it have really got stuck with some summer downers . . . altho this show seems kinda sexy in ways--so the visuals can't be all bad . . . Dionne makes me smile, even in recaps . . . I hope she wins!!!! Always great to read you, and hang in there, Blu was a LOOOZAH!!! and no, I've never heard a song of hers . . . but Areola singing one might be a hoot!
xoxoxo
5 of 5 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on June 25, 2008 3:52 PM