Antonio Sabato Junior wants you to STOP watching this show.
Celebrity Circus, you're like the ultimate cockroach. You resist radiation, survive FOX's attempts to kill you by way of lukewarm ratings, and thrive despite Joey Fatone's penchant for dressing like a total assclown. May you be plagued by a thousand violin-playing midgets on flaming tricycles made of swizzle sticks!
A Tribute to Siegfried and Roy: Available now at your local Hot Topic.
Let's skip the formalities and drawn-out introductions. Sensing my impatience and utter contempt, Pudgy quickly announces the three contestants who are safe this week. Brevity, I love it. It's incredible! I picked on him recently for sounding like what he thinks someone from Brooklyn should sound like, circa WWI. Then I looked up his Wikipedia entry and realized Joey Fatone is from Brooklyn. That means he's just 100% annoying.
"Isn't there more to life than being ridiculously, ridiculously good-looking?"
Overgrown Keebler Elf or Disgruntled Jewish Tailor?
I hate puppies, rainbows, and small children.
Oh! Pudgy is going to reveal the fourth safe celeb, just to drag out the final two for the next hour. Antonio Sabato Jr. is safer than using condoms, spermicide, and the Pill combined. Throw some abstinence education into the mix, though, and you're definitely at risk - I'm talking to you, Wee Man and Janet Evans. And poor Janet doesn't have the novelty of being a dwarf/Jackass/entertainer. I'm going to be sad that our only athlete is probably on her way out, but she appears to have a career outside of sequined shitshows.
Who will it be? The Gay Ice Luger, Bachelor Party Leftovers, or Pocahontas on Ice?
Trying to throw the audience for a loop, Pudgy announces that Wee Man is safe. If you slept through last week's episode, that might be a shocker (Oh no! ASJ might be sent home!? Global warming is real?!) but um, no - they just stupidly exonerated the only other person who could plausibly be sent home. He did have the lowest score of last week. Remember, the only folks voting on this show are Midwestern housewives and people who don't have lives. They want to keep a topless ASJ around. Foulmouthed midgets are still controversial. Olympic swimmers with gummy smiles? Not so much. Learn the art of suspense from American Idol eliminations, people.
If only one could win a Pulitzer for a career built solely on recapping bad TV. It's my one-year anniversary with the 'Gasm, and my improved powers of prediction should really get me a cameo on Heroes. Who's left?
Fortune Cookie Says: Your future is embarrassing. I can't even talk about it without curling right back up.
And what is with Pudgy's Brooklyn-ese accent in the commentary? Peter Brady is tackling the trapeze bungee and saying goodbye to his crotch (again). At least nothing's set on fire this week. He grunts and yelps through the training sessions, and it's not attractive. Even his trainer admits he has to outdo Dionne's flying funbags and sensual aerial seduction, but is pleased to say that Peter's never worked this hard. Cue more middle-aged man groaning.
We revisit 2002, as Pink's "Get the Party Started" blares from my TV, while Peter flips on his trapeze bungee, accompanied by two aerialists in pink frou frou outfits. How very Lady Marmalade of them. A couple of twirls later, he clambers onto the trapeze and then flings himself backwards off of it, hurtling towards the ground. REMEMBER: THERE IS NO SAFETY NET. NO NET AT ALL. INVISIBLE NET.
Peter also picks up a little friend, who appears to be a part-time genie.
Hammer Pants are BACK, baby.
Then the genie rubs his hands and ala kazaam, slingshots Peter back up in the air. That was neat, and not unlike a ride at Six Flags Magic Mountain. As glitter/confetti rains from the sky, Peter launches into a big setup where he swings and somersaults forward and manages to bounce into a sitting position on top of the trapeze. He's thrilled with his accomplishment, and I would be too, if my mantra was "Don't die." Louie's going to get him for breaking character and pumping his fist, though. However, watching Peter bounce around is probably not as delightful as the busty Dionne flipping every which way. Men in tights just aren't that attractive (unless you're ASJ).
The delight of a child is contagious!
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Comments (2)
Oh, Tvo, such dedications and surreal sacrifice, and no comments . . . sigh . . . considering your circumstances, how incredibly awesome of a recap, BABY!!!! I agree with Dionne's first screencap, I totally hope this gives her career a huge boost, she's just the bomb, and for reals, how in heck are these peeps doing this sh*t, I could never in my wildest, but I would so love to learn to do a back flip, or to toss head over heels on my way to morning coffee--after these caps, maybe I could . . . thanks for giving hope and breaking during your time away to think of us gasmi!!!! HEART!!!!
1 of 2 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on June 30, 2008 7:50 PM
juddfan, thank you for giving me something to live for. Seriously. LOVE!
2 of 2 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on July 1, 2008 5:14 PM