So in between that last screencap and this sentence, I hopped in a friend's car that was en route to Vegas. I thought I could recap a bit while in the car, but instead, I passed out and dreamt that I had to beat up middle schoolers for their lunch money so I could go buy a push-up bra for someone with no cleavage. Now it's 4 am. I just learned how to play video blackjack and got a free pineapple and Malibu, but lost five dollars, and I'm sitting in Excalibur the hotel, paying $12.99 for 24 hours of "High-speed" internet and desperately trying to fill out my notes by streaming the show from NBC.com. I even have a bag of Little Caesar's Crazy Bread next to me (no lie, they charge $2.40 for it), and I think I can do this.
Especially since I discovered something more frightening than anything that could possibly happen on this show. A thousand dicks have crawled back inside of themselves after first perking up over the right half of the sign:
Worst. Marketing. Ever.
"Carrot Top + Topless Show...it's like...they share a word or something!" Whoever made this ad should be shot after being forced to watch Carrot Top strip while the topless girls attempt to do improv with stupid props for twenty four hours straight.
Peter polishes off his routine with the endless somersaulting move that Dionne used last week to massive applause. But he just looks slightly awkward and emasculated, even though he got tricks in and didn't flub up too obviously. I'm proud of him for not croaking mid-air, but his tights are way too close to becoming stirrup pants, methinks. There's no real choreography, and I don't care enough to want to watch because the routine doesn't really go anywhere. Aw, he's still with Adrienne Curry (of ANTM fame) because she's in the audience clapping her little hands off. True wuv!
We wait awkwardly for Peter to get down from his crotch harness, and the judges are reintroduced. You know them as crazy French trapeze bitch, Paula Abdul if she were an Olympic male gymnast, and the Brit more bloomin' than Bruno. The show's wardrobe budget is severely limited because their tops have only changed colors, not styles or fabrics. And this could all be a Photoshop or lighting trick!
Pudgy skips over Aurelia, instead asking Mitch first what he thinks of Peter Brady's first acrobatic act.
"Aww, he's so cute when his Tourette's flares up."
Mitch gushes for a bit about giving it a standing ov(ary) while I tune him out. Slingshot triple backflip salchow looptyloop ice cream fudge sundae with a side of tiddlywinks athletic gymnastic airzen munchausen bloopity bloop bloop. Fannnnntastic.
Aurelia, whose blue-painted talons match her top (roarrr, watch the claws), says it was extremely acrobatic and impressive, but not as sexy as Dionne.
"You make meee smile because zhoo remind meee, oui, of Peter Brady and more innocent times, non? Before I had to go to zee trapeze labor camp and assume zee face of a nun forced to give blowjobs, euh?"
And Louie's all, nuh-uh girlfriend, I don't think we're watching the same show here. And that Peter reminds him of a baby in a bouncer while Dionne was a fierce diva. Yowza. I don't know, I'd probably give the guy a 7.5 if I could.
Peter's scores:
Bitch is the new black.
Next, a redux of Dionne's dominance these past two weeks. Cue Louie screaming "THIS. IS. CERCEAU!" and leaping on top of the judges table while exclaiming that he's love with Tom Cruise. This week's act will entail the Spanish Web, which Dionne mentions Blu got eliminated for - well, that's because Blu didn't climb the damn rope at all like she was supposed to and just hung on while someone else spun her, not because she worked diligently to master it.
Dionne also says she's 41 and the mother of two...but her birthday is January 20, 1966. Wait. Did our celebs start training during the writers' strike, film this entire show through to the last elimination, and pretend that votes actually affect who gets sent home in real-time? And the show's pretending that the celebs are still currently performing and learning tricks this week when in fact they haven't touched any of this stuff in like, five months? Because that'd be both unbelievably lazy and awesomely conniving, NBC. No wonder people can vote online. No one's counting the ballots!
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Comments (2)
Oh, Tvo, such dedications and surreal sacrifice, and no comments . . . sigh . . . considering your circumstances, how incredibly awesome of a recap, BABY!!!! I agree with Dionne's first screencap, I totally hope this gives her career a huge boost, she's just the bomb, and for reals, how in heck are these peeps doing this sh*t, I could never in my wildest, but I would so love to learn to do a back flip, or to toss head over heels on my way to morning coffee--after these caps, maybe I could . . . thanks for giving hope and breaking during your time away to think of us gasmi!!!! HEART!!!!
1 of 2 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on June 30, 2008 7:50 PM
juddfan, thank you for giving me something to live for. Seriously. LOVE!
2 of 2 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on July 1, 2008 5:14 PM