And now he's in me, always with me, tiny gangsta in my hand...
Dear juddfan and mullymoon (No doubt LeeH has stopped reading to do something productive like watch Paula Deen on Food Network),
Congratulations! You are the only two people to ever read this. I am so glad I didn't apply to grad school so I could earn a Ph.D in English and spend six years on a dissertation that perhaps three people will skim. Because it would cost a helluva lot more, but feel vaguely similar. I could be stuffing my face with delicious babyback ribs and Shiner Bock, since I am in Austin for the first time ever. But I love you kids and I have a hard time kicking that ingrained Asian work ethic, so I am ponying up $9.99 for hotel wireless and relinquishing the shreds of my dignity to give you...Celebrity Circus!
Now that I think about it, mullymoon probably went out of town this weekend, so I'll have to pin all my hopes on you, juddfan. I promise to choose wisely next season. But first, an important announcement from Pudgy Fatone.
"FINE, I ATE ALL THE COOKIES IN THE COOKIE JAR! WHAT OF IT?!"
Also, Peter Brady had some technical difficulties.
Remember how there is absolutely no net? Well, a camera caught everything and rehashes it for us in slow-motion, complete with Brady bouncing on the hard floor and sound effects to make it that much more bone-shattering. Our favorite self-immolating clown has re-broken his arm (the one that was previously busted by the German Hamster Wheel) and has to withdraw from the competition. Boo. Just when it was starting to get good.
Kidding, kidding. It doesn't get better than this.
No teary, doctor-endorsed farewell would be complete without a video montage of Peter Brady's greatest moments. He explains to the concerned contestants that the doctor's pulling him out of the competition and that he'll have great things to remember for the rest of his life. Or at least till tomorrow, when he remembers that relaxing and eating delicious foods and swimming around in a pool full of money from royalties is infinitely better than life-threatening stunts without nets and crotch-suffocating harnesses.
Never mind.
The judges say some obligatory words of pithy positivity ("You brought fun! You overcame so many obstacles! You are so gracious, inspirational to old men and younger men, fabulous at fifty!") and Peter Brady pumps his fist and proclaims that old guys rule. Should've stopped at the fist pump, mister.
Also, there will not be any elimination tonight because they'd have no contestants left. Pudgy tells the celebs that they've gotten a new lease on life and some more airtime because Peter Brady wasn't going to be eliminated tonight. Ouch. I'm guessing Rachel was going to be sent home. This isn't how ANTM works at all - Tyra surely would've sent another girl packing!
First, Wee Man attempts some manhandling and balancing with Vlad the Impaler, his trainer. Vlad's a guy you want to please, because he turns into the Hulk when pissy.
In Soviet Russia, T-shirt wears you!
Ideally, your handbalancing partner is roughly the same height and weight as you. Wee Man comes up to Vlad's balls. Their first attempts are trying, to say the least. So who does the circus bring in for inspiration and positive reinforcement?
All this does, in my opinion, is make it seem even more impossible for Wee Man to pull off the act with Vlad, since balancing his new homie, Romeo, is a walk in the park. The guy weighs like three MacBook Airs. However, Wee Man and Vlad have done some intense bonding, like shaving each other's heads.
To the smooth crooning of Gavin DeGraw, Wee Man attempts some homoerotic lifting and cuddling with Vlad. It truly is impressive given the disparity in their sizes and weights. Half of the poses look like Mother and Baby Panda snuggling. The grand finale boggles my mind and turns on midget fetishists everywhere.
"I don't have to be anything other than a prison guard's son!" How apt.
Louie's been shilling McDonald's this week, because he keeps repeating, "I'm lovin' it!" Aurelia channels Princess Leia this week in a gold corset and a cuff on her bicep. She's losing it because she bows to Wee Man and proclaims that she loves it too. Mitch mutters something blander than a stale rice cake. Let's skip to the scores.
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Comments (6)
While I make you no promises for the future, I did actually watch this one episode.
(Your recap was a LOT more entertaining.)
1 of 6 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on July 7, 2008 3:25 PM
OMG!!! so much responsibility!!! MUST READ NOW!!!
but hey Tvo--it's not you, it's the show, they're just not that into it!
HEART
2 of 6 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 7, 2008 5:28 PM
and it's good to know you know I'm a fan of you, whatever you're recapping!!!
Okay, the fried food on a stick montage, was it me, or was the Jurrassic Dog just wrong, looked like a giant phallus and watching him take a bite, wrong-wrong-wrong, but hey, never have I been to a fair with so many choices!!!!
Anyhoo, let me guess, Rachel was leaving and didn't prepare an act, so she did the dogs, and they gussied it up to make it like a plus, right!?
Pretty impressed with wee man on this one, and hella that was some kind of strange erotic looking, I'm sure that trainer voluteered his body to action figure makers everywhere!!!
I caught the finale of one of those singing offices, erk, pretty lame, tho I wonder if the lead up was any better--guess that fat one is a big reality ho!!!
As you said last time, when did they shoot this, and how do they explain the time lapses of 8 weeks to learn something but they do it a week later? Somethin's fishy, and it ain't on a stick!!!
Thanks for taking time from your vaca and giving us some glee, I'm sure you've got more readers than commenters--is that a word!!!!
3 of 6 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 7, 2008 5:58 PM
I'm sorry, I fell into a diabetic coma after watching my beloved Paula eat a burger with two Krispy Kreme doughnuts as the buns.
Off to read. . .
4 of 6 | Posted by LeeH | Posted on July 7, 2008 9:36 PM
The show still sucks. Your recaps still rock.
Lose-win for all.
5 of 6 | Posted by LeeH | Posted on July 7, 2008 9:46 PM
Seriously loved the lolcat pics that accompanied this hilarious, and vastly superior to the source material, recap. Looking forward to more installments of this slow-motion train wreck!
6 of 6 | Posted by trainedgorilla | Posted on July 8, 2008 11:59 AM