Testimonials

So the contestant who bombed with the judges just two weeks ago is topping the charts this week. Let's attempt to have some more suspense on this show, as Dionne explains she became so obsessed with being perfect and the best in the competition that she resorted to steroids and blood transfusions from NCAA athletes in the PAC-10 (gymnasts mostly, and synchronized swimmers). Oh, and she's recently learned to cope with the stress and balance her circus act with family life and roller skating birthday parties. Training can be fun!

After her fall from being the judges' favorite last week, Dionne will take on the flying cradle, which is a lot like the modified see-saw on the backyard playsets all my neighbors' kids had. Only it's up in the air with no net. Plus a trapeze element.

And a man with a bulge in his pants.

And no thinking, says Dionne. She's going to let Sebastian run things this week. Just lots of "Do it!"

What can I say about this performance? There is lots of posing, clambering up onto the cradle, rocking, and flipping. Also, catching and releasing of Dionne by her partner. It's basically a static, swinging trapeze with a platform attached, since there isn't anyone to pass her off to. He'll swing her by her ankles and they'll flip her so that she catches his hands with her hands. It's so fast-paced I couldn't even get any good close-ups. I am nauseous.

But there is plenty of David Bowie's leftover makeup.

Hoo boy. All the judges agree. Dionne just didn't spread enough Diva Dust around, because they are not happy with her overly technical performance. In short, she didn't shimmy her moneymaker and smile enough. It's hard being an unemployed actress. Maybe she can get a stint on Flight of the Conchords like Rachel Blanchard (Cher on the TV version of Clueles) did. Also, thanks to selective video editing, the judges can harp on Dionne allowing her partner to take too much control this week.

Aurelia's contribution: "Relax, you just need to relahhhhhx, enjoyyyyy."

Scores, plz:

NBC's averaging calculator is busted, so no tricky numbers, people!

Antonio reveals that he's still miffed at Aurelia's lack of constructive criticism for his Chinese chopsticks routine last week. I too, would be miffed, if that were the only performance feedback I'd received in the past six months. ASJ was practicing the trapeze this week, but failed to master it. So they threw him onto the Wheel of Death. No big deal. ASJ reiterates that Wee Man had 8 weeks on the Wheel of Death and he has just four days (I don't buy that timeframe). Wah. I, too, make Baby Jesus cry with my excuses.

Red pleather pants were harmed in this next performance, and at least two tubes of red lipstick in the shade of Casual Whore were used to paint flames onto ASJ's naked torso. Unlike Wee Man, ASJ is as tall as the Wheel, so he can hold onto the sides of the top and go upside down as the wheel rotates. He does this three times in a row. It's less exciting than watching small children recite their state capitals, or watching obese pigeons get even fatter from crumbs strewn outside the local bagel shop. I'm falling asleep. It's just not the best event to get handed with "four" days to prepare.

Let's wake up with some Bert and Ernie gangsta rap. Ante up!

Better than the entire episode, which is only half over? You betcha.

Oh, and ASJ does a headstand on top of the Wheel of Death when it's perfectly still in the center. That last move is death-defying, but it's not going to be enough to save him from the wrath of Khan. Or that of the judges. Sure, I could never do this in a million years, but the entertainment is just lacking. Aurelia calls ASJ on the repetition, Mitch stammers that well, what ASJ did, he did well, and Louie decides to be contrarian and point out that the routine was difficult for just a few days' work, and that ASJ would've smashed more than just his face had he fallen, and that it was truly impressive.

Sadly, Louie stops short of a full Dionne Diva Flipout, but starts to tangle with Aurelia. Aurelia wants to see blood and to see ASJ rotate without zee hands. ASJ retorts that if he cracks his head and bleeds to death for her, it's not worth is. She pretends to not hear him. Burn!

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Posted in Celebrity Circus by T.Vo at 11:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: trainedgorilla on Jul 8, 2008 11:59 AM.