Yes, this is the world's gayest gecko.
It's Do or Die week here on Celebrity Circus.. At least that's what Pudgy Fatone is telling me. Oh, but it's also Judgment Day according to Louie. But things here just aren't what they used to be. Peter Brady had to drop out of the competition and now there's a severe lack of hilariously incurred injuries on the show (the slow-motion video edit of him falling and re-breaking his arm was better than a free tank of gas). Four celebutards will become three, and it's THE FINAL COUNTDOWN. What should I do to stay alive? Go to the local Red Cross and beg for some transfusions of optimistic type O blood? Or cryogenically freeze myself and have you wake me up when this is over?
My apologies for being so tardy; I'm still living out of a suitcase (Week 3) and am on the right coast where I was promptly eaten alive by DC's mosquitoes last weekend. Now I look like I have chicken pox with a splash of leprosy or that I plaster pepperoni slices all over my legs. It's hot. If you're in NYC, you should holler.
"I'm not obscure; I have quotes online at ThinkExist.com!"
Pudgy Fatone is still chipper, so I applaud him for his valiant efforts, considering it's the final week of actual performances where votes determine the winner. His Victorian-inspired/Vegas burlesque lounge MC getups are getting more arbitrarily decorated with askew appliqués. And the facial hair is just driving me nuts. The overall effect can be best described as a mash-up of the following aesthetics:
PLUS
A celebrated people lose dignity upon a closer view. - Napoleon
Also, Fatone tells me we're going to attempt to break a world record on this stage. The one with no net. Oh goody gumdrops!
Now on with THE REVEAL. It's a bit distracting because it looks like Dionne's makeup artist was having a duel with Rachel's makeup artist (sure, it's probably the same girl, but for dramatic effect, I'm pretending it's two separate people, or someone with a split personality), over who could make their client look the least appealing in the shortest amount of time.
The lipstick smeared around the eyes? A Helen Keller trademark.
We're left with four celebucircutards: Dionne, Wee Man , Rachel, and ASJ. Or, as I like to call them:
Gangrene Girl, Captain Picard Jr., Poor Man's Tonya Harding, and Aladdin
Do you know what they're competing for? No, it's not $20,000 donated to the charity of their choice, or Kiva micro-loans to needy people. Or even an extra gig hosting the next season of this show (Dionne, you really need some work, girl. We love you but it's been awhile). Nuh uh. It's better.
Celebrity Circus Champ Trophy or Daytime Emmy? Yours free with 4 magazine subscriptions!
What the eff. A Bedazzled Wheel of Death? Can I get a trained hamster or two with that? Because if it doesn't actually rotate, I'm going to be pissed and ask for my three months of training back. Plus a masseuse named Sven.
Anywho, they've got to keep it interesting, so they continually change up the way they announce who's safe. It used to be at the end, now it's at the beginning, but now we're going doing one at a time and then allowing the safe kids to perform. It's not very difficult to guess who's leaving us tonight, but if you haven't been watching along with me, it's going to be a GIGANTE SORPRESA!*
*giant fucking surprise
Three acts over an hour's worth of episode means that there are exorbitant amounts of montages, dramatic sound effects, and editing tonight. But that doesn't mean I have to put you through them. Dionne's montage can be summed up as: "I'm a raging perfectionist and whenever I try to have fun on this show, they act like I'm a total slacker. Also, why did Alicia Silverstone get all the limelight in 1995?! My boobs are better."
The worst part about these montages? The hometown visits, a la American Idol and The Bachelor. These are more retarded than the "extreme cleavage pads" containing water/fake silicone-gel/strange clear liquid inserts that Victoria's Secret puts in their new line of push-up bras. Of course, I am probably the only person alive who snickered, yanked out the inserts and waved them around, and wondered if they were over or under 3 ounces and would meet TSA regulations at the airport. Certainly they wouldn't set off the metal detector, but how hilarious would it be if they did?
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Comments (3)
Funny recap... but the show must have been a real snoozer!
I like that you don't care about those silly records... either.
1 of 3 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on July 16, 2008 8:37 AM
Oh, fire@will: I'm not sure what I'd do without you and the lovely folks who take the time to write in. This show is ending TONIGHT -- Hallelujah -- so we'll move on to greener grass soon. I hope! What have you been up to? *Hugs*
2 of 3 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on July 16, 2008 9:54 AM
Seems like you gasm cappers are always traveling . . . Good to hear of your girl crush on Dionne, and who could blame ya, I don't remember if she could actually act, but it would be nice to see more of her on some show, or a Clueless sequel where their kids are the ones strutting with the lingo and they are out of touch with the younger generation! Well, I didn't say I was gonna write it . . .
Wonder how the ratings were on this show, and also, how many votes they actually get per epi . . . I'd say not a lot based on the interest here, but what do I know.
Can I also say, I think Neilson ratings are Bullshit--did you know you have to be a household with Two adults and Two children, then you have do logs or something, or click in when it's you . . . it's totally redonk--is that how they are getting the youth count, I'm sorry, are not the millions of kids in college counting here--it's like when CD's went to sound scan instead of estimates, and suddenly the charts were all over the place, can't wait till DVR's are counted and the ratings systems are stripped bare and spanked till red hand prints are semi permanently tattooed on their derrieres!!!! Harrrrummmphhhh!!!
Well, I'm so in suspense as to who's gonna win this puppy, and I also say, F that, I'd so sooner dance with the c-list than hang and spin and ankle grab (okay, maybe not the last one) Toooo hard, I say!
So Tvo, thanks for the recap and the soapbox, and what's going to be your next show?
HEART
3 of 3 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on July 16, 2008 1:25 PM