"No one warned me about the cameltoe."
Jesus tapdancing Christ. How is Ryan Seacrest suddenly plump, brunette, and bearded? Oh hai, Joey Fatone. I briefly thought this was an episode of N'SYNC's greatest hits revisited (I'd call it "Behind the Bye Bye Bye"), but it's all coming back to me. American Idol is over, but I still have a melisma hangover. So what do you get when you combine the producing talents and creative force behind Fear Factor and The Amazing Race? Celebrity Circus, of course -- let the three ring spandex spectacle begin!
By the way, this show does not involve any magic. That's VH1.
All the world's a stage...to crash and burn on.
Oh Gasmii, how I've missed you and our weekly therapeutic chats. I bought a bike with my stimulus check and since the season finale of AI I've ridden it no more than 5 miles. The bell is awesome and goes ding dong in a most pleasant way, but riding around town only tempts me to buy yummy things and lipgloss. Now I have an excuse to retreat to the confines of my comfy couch, solve difficult math equations, and reminisce about the long-gone Circus of the Stars. Something about this also reminds me of The Smothers Brothers and their crazy yo-yo tricks, but I have unusual mental associations. For example, I could've bought 1800 tacos with my tax rebate.
Sparkly spandex + requisite midget + Olympic athlete + Dionne from Clueless + publicity-desperate Peter Brady + Blu Cantrell + token supermodel/actress + Antonio Sabato Jr. + Joey Fatone as "The Ringmaster"/Perma-host of reality competitions + small children wired on cotton candy and Coke = ?!?!?!?!?!
Why not kick it up a notch and have child actors participate? And throw in some real live tigers and elephants and bring in Siegfried and Roy as mentors? Now that's what I call entertainment!
Not homoerotic at all...why do you ask?
Our favorite ex-boy bander/reality tv competition host, whom I have dubbed Pudgy Fatone, kicks off the ceremonies with real, talented circus performers. These are trained professionals, mind you, who are paid to do this for a living. We've got bald muscle man rolling around in the world's largest silver hoop earring, aerial acrobatics involving long silk drapes, a fire breather straight from Burning Man, and little Asian jugglers in aqua spandex unitards. The black-and-white striped circus tent drapes and floor remind me of awful bands and individuals who wear guyliner, like Good Charlotte and My Chemical Romance, Pete Wentz, and Beetlejuice. Well, Beetlejuice is pretty cool. But not as cool as these guys.
"Drop a ring and it's back to the Jibber Jabber factory for us, Chan."
The soundtrack to this truly ridonkulous display of dexterity, balance, stamina, and flexibility is, you guessed it, the CIRCUS SONG, only it's been punched up with some creepy organs so it's like you're trapped in a sinister Circus Circus Las Vegas Pleasuredome. The song most commonly associated with circuses, also known as "that goddamn clown song," is actually title "Entrance of the Gladiators" by Czech composer Julius Fučík. Poor Julius.
...and that's why it always sounds like bloodthirsty clowns are gonna kill you.
"Baby Elephant Walk" is much more pleasant.
There, there. Feel better?
Hey, Clown wearing upscale moon shoes and gallivanting around? It's not a talent. You're two steps away from being this guy:
Just as Sea Monkeys are not really a bunch of tiny pink people who wear crowns and create thriving civilizations, Moon shoes are not quite a personal trampoline in your backyard.
Pudgy Fatone declares that our celebrities have already been tested physically. One's broken an arm and the other's crushed their ribs. Stop exaggerating Pudgy, I bet it's a fracture and maybe a bruise, crack at most. Let's meet our celebrities and soon-to-be carnie victims!
Antonio "Shirts are for townies" Sabato, Jr.
Supermodel Rachel "Big Bird Molting" Hunter
Jackass star Wee "small hands, smell like cabbages" Man
TV and film star Stacey "Anything's better than Deal or No Deal" Dash
Singer Blu "You like? It's B'jork!" Cantrell
Peter Brady, a.k.a. Christopher "Hand me my cymbals, monkey!" Knight
Olympic gold medalist swimmer Janet "My abs make Pudgy look pregnant" Evans
The ringmaster with the skeezy moustache projected on the wall of the tent is creepy, no?
"Get into my circus wagon, little girl, I have cotton candy!"
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Comments (6)
Another fine T.Vo recap!
I missed the show (something I plan to keep doing - I'm cutting back) but love your recaps.
BTW - in my roller hockey league, we would call someone who is 50 years old "the kid".
1 of 6 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on June 16, 2008 12:21 PM
Aww, fire@will, I'm so glad to see you -- it's hilarious how much they harp on Chris Knight's age as "old" (Joey, Mitch, Louie and everyone can't wrap their heads around it) but never mention that Stacey is 42 and glowing.
Do tell me about your roller hockey league!
2 of 6 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on June 16, 2008 1:50 PM
YAY!!! hey Tvo--so nice to be reading you again, and tho I wont watch this either, it's great to have your thorough eyes on it, and your biting snark to boot!!! Great recap, and I love the judges comments!!!! LOL, zay are great!!!
I never thought I'd be attracted to Peter, but in those caps, he's looking kinda hawt to me . . . and had no idea Stacy was 28 during clueless . . . .she's sooo pretty and should be working, how'd she get this gig . . . wouldn't a Clueless sequel be almost as good and SexATC . . . Ms. Silverstone ain't done much either . . . and what does happen to Val's as they age . . . hmmm . . .
The clown link was priceless BTW . . . hard to see the fear there, and kuddo's to the clown for carrying on . . . hope she got cured, coz it must be hard to go through life and perform as a functioning adult with such a debilitating fear!!!!
3 of 6 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on June 16, 2008 3:09 PM
I refuse to watch this show for precisely all the reasons insinuated above: trashy, stupid, horrible wardrobe but still not ever as cathartic or calorie-filled as America's Next Top Model.
That said, I love this recap and T.Vo in general. Keep it up!
4 of 6 | Posted by magaliiiii | Posted on June 17, 2008 10:01 AM
why you gotta ruin terrible shows, tam. keep the squawk box hot.
5 of 6 | Posted by davidecorcoran | Posted on June 17, 2008 10:58 PM
this is the best show ever! I don;t know what you guys are ta;lking about. especially the wardrobe. its amazing. almost as perfect as those american gladiator outfits...
6 of 6 | Posted by dinalicious75 | Posted on July 3, 2008 7:34 PM