Testimonials

Fatone is attempting to sound grand and showman-like, but the effect is more as enthusiastic used-car saleman / promoter of Brooklyn-style pizza who lapses into British-accents and French-accents interachangeably. Mais oui! Medieval Times has better dialogue. Mmm, jousting and eating greasy chicken with your hands. I predict NBC will next come up with a reality show series involving celebs trying out to be knights at ye olde dinner and tournament. Pudgy tells us all to bust out the peanuts and sugary goodness, but my cupboard is empty. NBC, please send me a hamper full of deliciousness for next Wednesday's episode (I enjoy spicy hot links, funnel cake, and hush puppies).

First up, a contestant whose known for steamy love scenes and has been photographed in only his undies. Well, that rules out Wee man, whose peen has been on camera more than Lilo's crotch. The audience and the judges are not immune to Antonio Sabato Jr's (ASJ's) charms. Or his glistening bod. Watch out, people, he's got carnies in his blood.

Our strapping, virile 36-year-old is doing this for his two little kids, and his granddaddy and his mom were in the circus. Something tells me that ASJ can reverse menopause.
Obligatory flashback to our celebs' first day of training. Let's meet the man who is supposed to motivate crazies to train as well as make sure that none of them die.

"You veel make zee triangle of love, see? And I veel set eet on fire, fantastique!"

Philippe is actually French-Canadian, and is a former gymnast who's now an artist/designer with Cirque du Soleil. He named his two kids after Cirque du Soleil characters (Merlin and Uriel). That was a huge mistake. Whatevs, I'm still calling him Frenchie.

Our celebs have five acts to master in just eight weeks. ASJ's first act to master is:

Do not try this at home with satin sheets. You will fail.

So you have two incredibly long silk sheets (can't find these at Bed, Bath, and Beyond) suspended from the ceiling. They can be raised and lowered, but you control a lot of the movement by manipulating the silks and wrapping them around your body/hands/arms/torso/feet. At least that's how it works in theory. Flying silks require immense upper body strength and control.

ASJ's partner/teacher Sebastian is eyeing ASJ like he's a bacon western cheeseburger (2 for $4 at Carl's Junior for a limited time only). This show keeps hammering down the point that there is no safety net, so if you let go of the silk, you fly. Right down into the ground. It also causes extreme facial contortion. Sebastian gleefully informs us that Antonio's face is about to explode (while wishing Antonio's pants would catch fire).

"Antonio enjoys long walks on the beach, just like I do!"

ASJ confides that this is the hardest thing he's ever done. Until he gets to his next act, that is. Commence montage of ASJ grunting, thrusting, and slow-mo moaning as he attempts to conquer the silks. It is blatantly and unapologetically sexual.

"While you're down there, luv..."

ASJ boasts that he's given this competition 150% the whole time, and he wants to finish first. Yeah, well if someone busts out their 155% or decides they're operating at 200% all the time, you're screwed, buddy. What's with completely arbitrary percentages over 100% anyway? I win, because I put infinity percent into this competition all the time, and from my couch. Ha ha!

( I also love when people boast that they've made a change of 360 degrees, failing to recognize that puts them at exactly where they started. Our educational system is not doing its job.)

Act 1: Antonio Sabato Junior, on the Flying Silks
Accompanied by Shannon and Sebastian

He's caught in a love triangle with Shannon and Sebastian and, ad Pudgy reiterates, THERE IS NO SAFETY NET. Plus, ASJ's torso is topless and glistening, and he's wearing Aladdin/MC Hammer pants and heavy sexyman eye makeup. I really hope Flipit gets a glimpse of this.

In my free time, I also enjoy saving endangered animals and tutoring kids.

My immediate thought is: How much of an insurance policy did NBC have to take out for this? And how big is the waiver these celebs have to sign? ASJ has the silks wrapped around his forearms and takes a couple of laps around the ring. It's quite impressive because he looks the part and is pretty confident. Then, all the women and gays in the house hold their breath as ASJ all but mounts his gal partner Shannon to "The Adventure," by Angels and Airwaves. I personally would've picked something a little less punk-poppy, like One Republic and Timbaland's crowdpleaser "Apologize" but I'll go with it.

"Fine, I'll spoon with you!"

« She's Got the Look: Grannies Gone Nudie | Main | Hell's Kitchen: Um. What? »

Posted in Celebrity Circus by T.Vo at 11:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: dinalicious75 on Jul 3, 2008 07:34 PM.