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Act 5: Blu Cantrell

Before this, I thought Blu Cantrell was a distant relative of someone like Norah Jones. You know, bluesy/jazzy and soulful, like a Billie Holiday type. I was sorely mistaken. Instead, her hit single involves walking through a mall with lackeys wearing shirts with dollar signs. Blu says she totally would've joined the circus had she not been a singer. Right.

And I would've been a pro basketball player at 5"2.

My cat's breath smells like cat food!

In which Blu Cantrell realizes exactly what a circus act involves, one eye at a time:

Her "extremely competitive" nature is at odds with her reaction and gets scared with the harnesses and the burning fire stick, which she's reluctant about. Frenchie is disgusted by her lack of initiative and wonders why he ever left the booming acrobatics porn industry.

Two girls, one gymkata

The Spanish Web requires a tolerance for speed of spinning (also known as momentum) and upper body strength. It is expected that the performer scale the rope and climb upwards. Blu has no desire to do any of these things.

"It has nothing to do with my work ethic or the fact that I want to be here."

Yeah, and I eat because I'm fat, which has nothing to do with my gross inactivity and torrid love affair with complex carbohydrates late at night.

Let me sum up Blu's performance.

Hey Ma, no hands!

This leg strap is MAGIC, I tell you, MAGIC.

Sitting on a lap: ALMOST as good as lying down.

Oh hey, look what song it is. "Apologize" by One Republic & Timbaland. I knew this tune would sneak its way in here. They even timed the lyrics "ten feet off the ground" to Blu hanging off the ground. Blu, it's really too late to say you're sorry as partner Sacha does all the work. The Spanish Web is supposed to involve climbing up the rope. Amount of climbing in this routine on Blu's part? Nada. The excessive fog and smoke machines and the shots of the other aerialists actually performing on their Spanish Webs makes this painfully evident. ¡Qué lastima! The show even tries to trick us into thinking she's doing stuff, when she's not.

THIS IS NOT BLU. DO NOT BE DUPED INTO VOTING FOR A COMPETENT PROFESSIONAL.

The cherry on top is when the two accompanying aerialists get down and start spinning their Spanish webs to make it look like Blu is doing more than being spun around by Sacha. The end.

Aurelia speaks: "Blu, I'm sorry but I hope zees sneer of utter and blatant disdain can convey zee steaming pile of crap you just handed moi. You deedn't climb up, didn't do anything - eet was NOTHING. God ees dead!"

You Blu it.

She's not finished. "Neither once zee rope and I understand there was not lots of time, but I expected you to go up zee rope and do something, no? And if you decide to do zee split, it has to be ZEE SPLIT; otherwise, don't do eet!"

Human Potato Head is all fun and games until someone puts the leg in the wrong socket.

Aurelia is a bitch fueled by baguettes, and I love it. Blu's face falls (wait for the diva tantrum to be unleashed, just wait for it) and she starts to protest. "HARD LIFE, THAT'S REALITY!" exclaims Aurelia.

"Tu peux manger deux hot dogs ? C'est rien ! Moi je peux en manger quatre d'un seul coup!"

Mitch summons his inner Paula Abdul and breathes out. "How do I put this...you were graceful/wonderful and relaxing to watch. Your inactivity was super-slow moving and tranquil and sleep-inducing for me. Like Lunesta but free." He makes a good point about how athletes don't expect to compete with what they haven't practice, and you should perform what you have trained. Truf.

Louie brings out the double-decker lisp for this: "Okay, Miss Thang, I know you're a diva, but I didn't see it in this performance. You get one chance and you're using it now, I know you've got it in you, but I want to see that fierceness." Blu pulled the lazy diva card, all right.

Blu's scores:
Aurelia: 4
Mitch: 6
Louie: 4
Blu's average: 4.7

She should just be kicked off now, but she's a loaded drama gun ready to shoot her mouth off and it makes for excellent television. I spoke too soon, as Pudgy Fatone asks what Blu thinks of all this.

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Posted in Celebrity Circus by T.Vo at 11:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: dinalicious75 on Jul 3, 2008 07:34 PM.