"I have trouble with this whole sexy thing," confides Janet, as we cut to a sequence of Janet's less than graceful falls, naturally. Ooh, foreshadowing. I think she manages to yank her partner's top off in this one:
And when leotards revolt, they usually look like this:
They've set her routine to the Pussycat Dolls' cover of "Tainted Love." Gag. Equally nauseating are the bubblegum Coke can/iTunes-infected background graphics of girls dancing. Did I mention there is a bubble-blower going buck wild, too?
There's some horizontal balancing of Christine, her partner, on the soles of Janet's feet (as she hangs upside down). There are inverted V splits. There are tandem somersaults (like two people doing cartwheels together, but with forward flips). I'd personally be pissed if there were bubbles floating everywhere during my performance and demand that they play "Under the Sea" instead and dress me up as a lobster. There are even annoying slutty backup dancers whose sole purpose is to draw attention away from Janet putting on a safety harness at the end for her dismount. Just watch it here.
The descent is one of the cooler parts, as Christine grabs Janet's ankles and swings her downwards, releasing her into the arms of the spotters on the ground as Janet manages to land upright. Sure, it's not as crisp of a dismount as Mitch Gaylord would want, but it's still a badass routine overall, and better than Dionne's, in my opinion. There were more elements and skills learned and executed cleanly. My fear is that guy viewers can't get their minds out of the gutter.
4 out of 5 men agree: Better than chicks on trampolines.
Aurelia: "Eet takes a lot of body strength. I would know, I've been doing eet for twenty years! It takes a lot of psychologic to take zee life of someone in your hands. Bravo!"
Mitch doesn't really offer much, restating that Janet already has a gold medal. Tighten up your core, please. More fluidity. Louie is displeased by her lack of flair and feathers, calling her clumsy and uncoordinated and that if she can go without a splat or splash, she could be the dark horse. Err, okay. I am pretty sure this is all because Janet doesn't have breasts that slap her in the face as she flips around.
But seriously, all the toe-pointing in the world is not going to save you from going splat, or assist you in pulling off some serious moves.
Janet's duo trapeze scores
Aurelia: 8
Mitch: 7
Louie: 7
Janet's Average: 7.3
By now, it's obvious that Janet Evans was a gawky kid growing up and felt awkward about femininity. I can empathize, but I was totally unathletic and was a drummer in my high school marching band, mmkay? I kinda want to root for her, but then she smiles and ruins it. Pudgy Fatone covets her washboard abs and simulates scrubbing a towel on them.
This is both endearing and frightening.
Worried that your coulrophobia (an overwhelming fear of clowns) will act up with this show? Well, at least you're not this lady.
After round 1, Dionne's in the lead with an 8.0 and Blu's in the caboose with a whopping 4.7. Pudgy Fatone is as graciously annoying as ever (paradox, yes), but he makes me laugh. Join me next week, as we watch Peter Brady light himself on fire. Seriously, that was an NBC e-mail subject line. And "Rachel Hunter will perform a new act that is somewhat like the hammock." Well. I've totally mastered that act; just hand me a strawberry daiquiri and watch closely.
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Comments (6)
Another fine T.Vo recap!
I missed the show (something I plan to keep doing - I'm cutting back) but love your recaps.
BTW - in my roller hockey league, we would call someone who is 50 years old "the kid".
1 of 6 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on June 16, 2008 12:21 PM
Aww, fire@will, I'm so glad to see you -- it's hilarious how much they harp on Chris Knight's age as "old" (Joey, Mitch, Louie and everyone can't wrap their heads around it) but never mention that Stacey is 42 and glowing.
Do tell me about your roller hockey league!
2 of 6 | Posted by T.Vo | Posted on June 16, 2008 1:50 PM
YAY!!! hey Tvo--so nice to be reading you again, and tho I wont watch this either, it's great to have your thorough eyes on it, and your biting snark to boot!!! Great recap, and I love the judges comments!!!! LOL, zay are great!!!
I never thought I'd be attracted to Peter, but in those caps, he's looking kinda hawt to me . . . and had no idea Stacy was 28 during clueless . . . .she's sooo pretty and should be working, how'd she get this gig . . . wouldn't a Clueless sequel be almost as good and SexATC . . . Ms. Silverstone ain't done much either . . . and what does happen to Val's as they age . . . hmmm . . .
The clown link was priceless BTW . . . hard to see the fear there, and kuddo's to the clown for carrying on . . . hope she got cured, coz it must be hard to go through life and perform as a functioning adult with such a debilitating fear!!!!
3 of 6 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on June 16, 2008 3:09 PM
I refuse to watch this show for precisely all the reasons insinuated above: trashy, stupid, horrible wardrobe but still not ever as cathartic or calorie-filled as America's Next Top Model.
That said, I love this recap and T.Vo in general. Keep it up!
4 of 6 | Posted by magaliiiii | Posted on June 17, 2008 10:01 AM
why you gotta ruin terrible shows, tam. keep the squawk box hot.
5 of 6 | Posted by davidecorcoran | Posted on June 17, 2008 10:58 PM
this is the best show ever! I don;t know what you guys are ta;lking about. especially the wardrobe. its amazing. almost as perfect as those american gladiator outfits...
6 of 6 | Posted by dinalicious75 | Posted on July 3, 2008 7:34 PM