TVgasm Recaps

It's been a little while since I've dealt with the beautiful mess that can be called Celebreality on VH1, and since House has been on a "hiatus" (new episodes Jan. 29th!!! (I'm not really THAT excited about it)) I thought it would be good to return to my roots. And oh how rewarding that was. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Celebrity Rehab.

It's been a little while since I've dealt with the beautiful mess that can be called Celebreality on VH1, and since House has been on a "hiatus" (new episodes Jan. 29th!!! (I'm not really THAT excited about it)) I thought it would be good to return to my roots. And oh how rewarding that was. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Celebrity Rehab.

I don't know what it is about Celebrity Rehab, but it just makes me want to drink. It may be so I can help out my celebrity counterparts who are unable to take a swig of sweet sweet alcohol, or maybe it's just a stressful show to watch. No I don't have a problem!!!

There's a "new male" coming today! Fingers crossed!

When I finished last week's recap of Celebrity Rehab, I was worried that with the end of detox, these episodes would start to get pretty boring. But then I remembered that these people have only completed the physical aspect of detox, and the more they want a fix, the more irritable they will get. And that is a formula for awesome disaster.

Ladies, here is your bicep pic of the day. Happy?

Last week on Celebrity Rehab, Daniel's Bitch Hour both bored and annoyed all of us. But after he checked out, we heard about some sort of situation involving possible sexual/suggestive texts between Mary and Daniel. And it looked like things were just about to get interesting. So let's check out what happened this week when we're going to see maybe 5 interesting minutes and then there will be much disappointment.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I think this music box you gave me is wasted.

It's been a pretty miserable week here at TVGasm Chicago North offices, so let's see what Celebrity Rehab can offer up. I doubt it's very much. Last week the happy ending was boring. Hopefully they don't try to pull that shit on us this week.

Woah, Mar. Rehab ages you.

When we left off of Celebrity Rehab, we had just learned that no one cares about Chyna, including herself, and that Vikki has at least a mild case of retardation. Hopefully tonight we will endure less of Jeff bitching about wanting to leave.

This week on Celebrity Rehab, we find out what Drew thinks about the whole food fight debacle, and we also learn that these people have very little respect for anyone or anything other than themselves (or we learn again, because it's been obvious so far).

Join the club.

Technorati Tags: celebrity, funny, puppy, recap, rehab, spoof, tvgasm

I was really having trouble finding the motivation to write the recap for this episode of Celebrity Rehab, but I thought since I'm coming off of a four day bender, it may be about as good a time as any to judge these poor saps who are slaves to their addictions. Suckers. So let's check out what happened this week as I try to piece together the past four days.

Whatchoo lookin at, bitch?

I have been unable to write the recap for the Celebrity Rehab because I have been binge drinking for the better part of five days. I thought it might be a little inappropriate to write a recap that I couldn't remember at all, so I tried to exercise good judgment for once. Don't get used to it. I also avoided writing it because it was so terribly boring. But if you care, which I doubt you do, here's where you can find out how everyone is doing out of rehab.

Alright, let's hear your bs one last time.

On the first episode of Celebrity Rehab's second season...

They let this guy back on TV. Now who's drunk?

Episode two leads off with process group. I was surprised that only one member was going through serious withdrawal (Nikki McKibben). Apparently the detox process really varies from person to person and substance to substance when it comes to both onset and duration.

Some people start getting sick right away, while others have a lag time. Watching the ones who haven't gone through it yet is like watching Johnny Knoxville right before he gets tazed. He knows it's coming. He doesn't know when. You feel bad for him, but a sick demented part of you can't wait to see his pain.

All right guys, sorry I'm a little late on this recap. I was sleeping. No I wasn't. I'm confusing myself with Gary Busey. I've got to stop doing that. Episode three led off with Busey not being able to get up for group session. Keep in mind, this is a man who has no job, no kids yelling at him or scratching his eyeballs out, no responsibilities of any kind. Not only that, he doesn't have a commute. All he has to do is roll out of bed and walk maybe thirty yards and he is in the group room.

Why should a counselor have to wake up so gd early!?!

Remember how couple of recaps ago I told of Dr. Drew's assertion that people have "different detox arcs"? Well, I guess episode four proves that Jeff Conaway's arc stays flat for a long time and then suddenly goes headlong into hell at a slippery forty-five degree angle.

Martha Plimpton? What are you doing here?

Thursday's episode started out with Jeff Conway explaining to the Pasadena Police that, he is, "..in pain, and they won't give me anything for it..." . I think he thought that he was in the Pasadena Medical Marijuana Clinic (be sure to visit the Cypress Hill gift shop in the adjacent lobby). Jeff wanted to make it seem like this was some sort of half-assed version of the movie Misery, with him as a more ornery but less talented James Caan and Dr. Drew as a more womanly Kathy Bates.

If there is such a thing.

Tonight on Celebrity Rehab, it's family time.

Calm down, mother. This is a professional environment.

I have come to the conclusion that Jeff Conaway is not real. Maybe I'm delusional. Maybe the pound and a half of Vicks Vapor Rub that I have lathered on my face and chest (and pondered eating) over the last three and a half days has finally leaked into my brain and caused some of my sensory neurons to liquefy. Hell, that crap has the power to turn the three tons of silly putty mucus that has been bottlenecking my esophagus and skull cavity into the equivalent of the Euphrates River after a two hour monsoon. Do we really think Vicks Vapor Rub can differentiate between snot and brain matter?

As I look at the label it lists the "Active" ingredients as: Camphor-4.6%, Eucalyptus Oil-1.2%, Menthol-2.6%. There are no inactive ingredients listed. That's right! I've been marinating myself in some crap whose manufacturers only have enough courage to list 8.4% of the ingredients! What if the other 91.6% is some flesh/mucus/brain eating strain of Ebola cells? What if I'm about to die? What if? All right. If I die from a Vicks Vapor Rub overdose consider the following my will. I leave my socks and my underpants to Flipit.

Aim higher, dude.